new & feeling weak
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| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:17am |
Hello everyone. I'm new and really need some support. I just had the fastest divorce - in less than 30 days. My mind is spinning. My heart is broken. I recently found out my husband of 4 years was cheating on me. He started the relationship online when I was 6 months pregnant with the baby we planned together. My baby was 5 months old when I found out. I kicked him out immediately because I had hired a private investigator and found love letters they wrote to each other and that they had met up for 3 overnights - one of which was in my house while I was gone for the weekend. They tatooed each others names on their bodies. I had no choice but to divorce him. And he has acted so badly ever since. I have taken our baby 4 states away, left him penniless and angry. I thought about giving him another chance at one point when he seemed to want it but I caught him in another lie. He said it was over with her but I found out he had been talking with her on his cell everyday - 16 times a day! He didn't want to do anything to work on it. He just threw me and his baby away. It's been months and he hasn't visited or paid child support or the court order amount he needs to pay for the mortgage until the house is sold. I've read books and I know he's the worst of the worst when it comes to liars, cheaters. I know from all I've read that there's no hope. He stole money from us and bought all kinds of toys while we were married. He says 'so what' about it all. And then apologizes. But he never changes his actions. When I kicked him out I found all kinds of stuff he bought and lied about - including a $5,000 item! My family and friends hate him. I hate him.
So I ask you this - why do I check email all day everyday wondering if he will write and say something to explain this. I desperately want him to want me and his baby - even after all of this. I'm an intelligent woman. Why in the world would I be acting this way? Why do I keep forgetting how awful he is?

You can't be with someone for any significant ammount of time, have a child with them and then expect to just drop the affectionate feelings that are within you. Part of being human I guess. Also over years (a few or many) we condition ourselves to tolerate horrible behavior and still care for the person doing those things.
Just remember that a legal divorce is a totally different animal from the emotional divorce. Some people are already emotionally divorced before the legal one comes about while others don't reach it until long after. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Remember a divorce is a loss...like a death and we go through the grieving process just as with any other loss. Take care and hang in there.
katkat
Because you are hurt and you have every right to be.
Hi there,
I haven't delt with this type of situation personaly but I know others here have. What was done to you put a complete halt on "your" life. He had a whole other life outside of you. As far as he is concerned he can continue to live it the way he sees fit. You did the right thing and it will take time to trust again. Heal your broken heart. If at all possible get into some counseling. It really can help. Don't be surprised if he doesn't e-mail or keep in touch with you. Nobody likes getting caught doing something they shouldn't and for some they just never can admit what they did was wrong. They will find every excuse to make it someone elses fault.
Hang in there and feel free to come here any time.
K:)
Hi,
I am nowhere near the place you are since we haven't even filed yet. However, I know one of the hardest things for me is that I want a concrete explanation for why my kids and I aren't enough for him to be happy. I want to be able to make some sense out of why you would committ yourself to someone, bring other human beings into the world and not be able to honor that committment. I know that it will take me a lot of time to get past the pain of his infidility and I'm sure I will spend a lot of time reflecting on why he didn't want me. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to fail. You invested a lot in this realtionship to make it work. To find out the man who CHOOSE to spend his life with you was not man enough to keep the promises he made to you hurts. It takes time to get past it. Hugs! I hope things get easier for you soon.
Amber
Hey there...
Like the others have said, you're doing this because you are human and because you did invest a significant amount of time and energy into your relationship...
Have you filed for full child support enforcement yet? My enforcement across state lines is not going well, but at least I've filed... and I would encourage you to do the same... you little one deserves to have his support one way (emotionally) or the other (financially)...
Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling... if you don't you won't get through it as quickly because you'll gloss over your true emotions... yes this hurt... but it does get better with time... Keep us posted!
*hugs*
Julie