new here - 12 years and hitting the wall
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new here - 12 years and hitting the wall
| Tue, 07-15-2008 - 9:58am |
I feel like my world is crashing down around me. We have been having problems now for the last few years. When I look back, it seems that our entire marriage had alot of bad times. But we also had a good times, and three great kids. I got married when I was 19.
He is very unresponsible financially. I always have to be the mommie to him and the kids. Even basic needs - he just cant handle it. So I went to work full time (after always working part time) nine years ago and became the breadwinner.

Hi girl... Hang in there and it's called plan, plan, plan. You need to make a plan. You can talk to an attorney and they will help you get the ball rolling. You don't have to hire one right away, or you could and just postpone filing and serving the stbx.
My attorney put my mind at ease..we even laughed, but I wasnt in love with my stbx anymore and had emotionally detached myself years prior.
Have you talked to family/friends?
Hugs!
~Lisa
~Lisa =))
July,
Hi. I agree that a plan is necessary. Plans include goals, action steps and deadlines.
Ok, so you've done the marriage counseling. Good! It will help you feel less guilty about ending the marriage. MC is great and it works but only if both people are willing to do their homework and really put themselves in 2nd place. Sounds like your husband is emotionally immature. You can't help that and you can't fix it.
First, it sounds like you did seek out an attorney in the past. Did you "share" this attorney with your husband? If so, don't do that again. Hire an attorney to represent your interests and your interests only. Don't try to be "nice" and let him use your attorney. Divorce is an adverse legal action not a "nice guy" move. So make sure your attorney is working for you and only you.
Secondly, you need to ask this lawyer if you can file without your husband's cooperation. If so, do it. In some states (and only your lawyer will know this) you can file for divorce and if your spouse doesn't respond (or doesn't want it) you can be granted a divorce by default. Check into that option.
Third, I would immediately set up your own bank accounts, PO Box, and credit. Don't wait around for legal papers to be filed. Get your personal information together - birth certificate, SSN cards, insurance, benefits, etc. and get these documents stowed where you can get to them. Make sure you have copies of your Tax returns, any medical/prescription information, and all your children's information as well.
Living arrangements. I can't tell from your post if you own a home together or rent. If you rent, then by all means, make arrangements to get your own place to live and move! If you own a home together, make sure you understand who really owns the house...whose name is on the mortgage and who is on the title work. Your attorney can help you determine how to handle the maritial residence.
And, alimony isn't a given. It can also be extremely limited, for example, you may agree or be required to pay him some, but only for a limited time or say you give him 6 months to find a job. You can also work out "in kind" settlements like you give him a car or a percentage of equity in your home instead of a monthly check. All options are possible. Make sure you explore them with your attorney.
Finally, the only way to stop feeling trapped is to ACT. Stop waiting around for your husband to grow a brain, spine, and start acting his age. You're letting him control you by NOT acting. So get busy!
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
wow. you guys have great advice. thanks.
seven"ed" out girl