new here - 12 years and hitting the wall

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2008
new here - 12 years and hitting the wall
4
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 9:58am

I feel like my world is crashing down around me. We have been having problems now for the last few years. When I look back, it seems that our entire marriage had alot of bad times. But we also had a good times, and three great kids. I got married when I was 19.


He is very unresponsible financially. I always have to be the mommie to him and the kids. Even basic needs - he just cant handle it. So I went to work full time (after always working part time) nine years ago and became the breadwinner.

seven"ed" out girl

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 12:20pm

Hi girl... Hang in there and it's called plan, plan, plan. You need to make a plan. You can talk to an attorney and they will help you get the ball rolling. You don't have to hire one right away, or you could and just postpone filing and serving the stbx.


My attorney put my mind at ease..we even laughed, but I wasnt in love with my stbx anymore and had emotionally detached myself years prior.


Have you talked to family/friends?


Hugs!

~Lisa

~Lisa  =))

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 2:23pm

July,


Hi. I agree that a plan is necessary. Plans include goals, action steps and deadlines.


Ok, so you've done the marriage counseling. Good! It will help you feel less guilty about ending the marriage. MC is great and it works but only if both people are willing to do their homework and really put themselves in 2nd place. Sounds like your husband is emotionally immature. You can't help that and you can't fix it.


First, it sounds like you did seek out an attorney in the past. Did you "share" this attorney with your husband? If so, don't do that again. Hire an attorney to represent your interests and your interests only. Don't try to be "nice" and let him use your attorney. Divorce is an adverse legal action not a "nice guy" move. So make sure your attorney is working for you and only you.


Secondly, you need to ask this lawyer if you can file without your husband's cooperation. If so, do it. In some states (and only your lawyer will know this) you can file for divorce and if your spouse doesn't respond (or doesn't want it) you can be granted a divorce by default. Check into that option.


Third, I would immediately set up your own bank accounts, PO Box, and credit. Don't wait around for legal papers to be filed. Get your personal information together - birth certificate, SSN cards, insurance, benefits, etc. and get these documents stowed where you can get to them. Make sure you have copies of your Tax returns, any medical/prescription information, and all your children's information as well.


Living arrangements. I can't tell from your post if you own a home together or rent. If you rent, then by all means, make arrangements to get your own place to live and move! If you own a home together, make sure you understand who really owns the house...whose name is on the mortgage and who is on the title work. Your attorney can help you determine how to handle the maritial residence.


And, alimony isn't a given. It can also be extremely limited, for example, you may agree or be required to pay him some, but only for a limited time or say you give him 6 months to find a job. You can also work out "in kind" settlements like you give him a car or a percentage of equity in your home instead of a monthly check. All options are possible. Make sure you explore them with your attorney.


Finally, the only way to stop feeling trapped is to ACT. Stop waiting around for your husband to grow a brain, spine, and start acting his age. You're letting him control you by NOT acting. So get busy!


Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2008
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 8:37pm
hi, i know what you mean on how he pretends all is fine and yet you are in your own hell and going out of oyur mind, I want to tell you I too have been with my husband for 12 yrs, married for 10,i was 17 when i got with him, i moved out of my dads who wouldnt let me date and was in such a big hurry to learn of love, so i never had a dating experince, i got involved and moved in with him right away, here we are all these yrs later with 2 kids a girl who is 5 and son age 10. ANd i am sad because i have wanted so bad for tihs to work yet i know it never will, he is to set in his ways,control, mind games and at time domestic violence, I want out, i signed up for hud and was aprroved i go to get my voucher on the 24th, heh as no clue, i have 90 days to find my kids and me a home,i asked him for us to seperate and work on it but he told me if i left file for a D because he would get drunk and have sex with someone else so i feel its what i must do but i know when it comes down to it, he is gonna flip, i have no clue how to do it but knowi need too. Im here for you and we

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2008
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 9:11pm

wow. you guys have great advice. thanks.

seven"ed" out girl