New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
New Here
2
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 9:19am

Good morning,

I'm new to this board but just wanted to introduce myself. I have been married to my college sweetheart for four years now. I am 28 years old and he was the first "real" boyfriend I had. i dated lots of jerks and delinquents in high school. He was my first love and my one and only sex. I always thought we were meant to be. Well, about a year and a half ago, my feelings all of a sudden began to change. I didn't enjoy spending time with him, never mind being physical with him. Last summer I struggled with my feelings and what to do. Finally, last September I told him my feelings were different and I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. We ended up going to a marriage therapist for about eight months which I believe was a waste of time. There wasn't a problem per se except that my feelings were different. The sessions consisted of me crying because I felt so bad and my husband saying how angry or upset he was. He is a wonderful man who is a hard worker, kind and caring. In my mind, I should stay with him but my heart is telling me different. I ended up moving out of the house about a month ago and am staying with my parents. I feel relieved to not have to go home to him everyday but also so much guilt. I feel horrible for making him feel horrible, I miss my dog and feel like I'm being a child (which is what my husband called me). He thinks I need to grow up and realize this is life. I don't know what the next step should be. I have to go away with him this weekend to a family wedding (by the way his parents are unaware we are having problems, only his siblings know) which I'm dreading. My own therapist told me I should live like I'm divorced for two weeks and then make a decision because it isn't fair to put him in this position. Any words of wisdom? Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
In reply to: emersonb
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 11:13pm
Hi! I don't know if I have many words of wisdom but I can relate to your situation. My H was my first serious boyfriend (I was 17 when we started dating), but unlike you, it only took me a few months before my feelings started to change. I denied it for years, and married him 3 years ago. But I definitely noticed that as time went on, any kind of "romantic" relationship was almost unbearable. Sex was almost out of the question. I thought there was just something wrong with me until I realized that the things I DIDN'T want to do with him, I wanted to do with other guys. Even when we tried for a baby, I dreaded the physical part. I hated when he complimented me, I hated when he'd try to cuddle, I just didn't want to be close to him in that way. Don't get me wrong, he's my best friend, but there's no marriage there. I told him in July that I wasn't in love with him and wanted a divorce. He hadn't thought anything was wrong and was crushed. I also feel terribly guilty as my H, like yours, is a wonderful man. We still live together for now, until I get a job and get my own apartment. He's actually told me recently that he wouldn't consider taking me back until I've lived on my own for a while, because he doesn't want to risk something like this happening again. (We've already been thru a similar situation once before, 4 years ago) This is after he tried to tell me that I wasn't "allowed" to date until at least 6 months after I moved out - which I told him would only lead to more resentment than is already there.
I'm not sure what your therapist means by "living divorced" for 2 weeks. You already live apart from him... do you still see him a lot? Do you act like a couple? I agree that you need to have some time away from him to clear your head. It'll also help him to see that life can go on without you, which will help you to not feel guilty. He's hurt and angry, so is my H. Neither one of them can be blamed, but you can't let your guilt to be the reason you work it out. Hopefully after that separation, you'll have a better idea of what your next step should be.
Hope that helped a little :) Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: emersonb
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 10:56pm

If he's calling you a child and telling you that you need to grow up.... he's hardly helping you to feel "in love" with him... and as long as he's not 100% supportive to that, you'll never feel the way you deserve to feel in a marriage.


Someone once told me... when we grow, we don't always grow the same direction.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~