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| Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:01pm |
Hi all! I'm new here. Here goes with my story....
He and I had been married for almost 11 years. We have 2 kids.
She was my best friend. We did everything together. Our kids played together, we shopped together, she helped me get through my fathers death, I helped her get through her husbands alcoholism. We were the best of friends!
Last year, after her husbands drinking and subsequent rehab stay, we (as couples) started hanging out together a lot. We had great times. We all got along great. She and I became friends with each others husbands too. During the summer, things started to get a little strained between her and her husband. She had a lot of resentment toward him because of the drinking and he didn't understand why she couldn't see the changes in him. Anyway, long story short.... he left her in April. During this time, I had been trying to open up some communication between me and my husband hoping to improve our relationship.
The truth is that we hadn't been truly happy for several years. Between the infertility treatments, pregnancy, newborn twins, and me losing my job when the kids were 18months old.... things just got really crazy for us. When I lost my job, he started working a second job because we couldn't manage daycare. (My prior job had been working from home.) That was when the stress really started.
His hours got longer and longer. I was overwhelmed with taking care of the kids with NO help every day and he was overwhelmed with working so much with no down time. I tried to maintain a relationship with him, but he seemed to feel that his only responsibility was to provide for us financially. He forgot about providing for me emotionally. After a while, I gave up. I felt like he didn't care about me and I let myself fall into a pattern of dealing with him the same way he dealt with me.... minimal contact. We got by that way for a few years. We were both too busy to really worry about the marriage.
I guess we both thought that we just needed to get through the first few years of parenthood and then we would have all the time in the world to work on our relationship. So, this year, the kids started school and I started working part time and I thought things were going to change for the better. But... they didn't. Right about the time I got my job, we had to buy a new van which sucked up most of my income. He wasn't able to reduce his hours much and really, seemed unwilling to reduce them anyway. He was never here and when he was here, he was so exhausted that we didn't interact.
I kept trying to talk to him about our problems and he never seemed to have the time or the inclination to work on them. Finally, two months ago, things got really heated and he moved out. He has told me that I never appreciated him, that I made him feel worthless, and that he lost who he was during all of this time. The way he tells it, this is all my fault. I gave up on him, I quit supporting him, I stopped loving him. He NEVER sees that I was only responding to the way he treated me! Not that I am trying to say that I was innocent in all of this. I know that I made mistakes and did the wrong thing too, but it ISN'T all my fault!!
But the real truth is that he left me for her. He is now living with her and on the weekends that he has the kids, they spend it with her and her children. I found out about it one night when I drove over to her house at 2am and found his car there. He denied it, she denied it, but.... I'm not stupid. They both have said that he has stayed there on an off recently because he has been sick, blah blah blah.
I am having to move out of our house and move in with my mother because I can't afford to stay where we are. My kids will have to change schools. He informed me on Sunday that he has lost his job but "he will still try to help out as much as he can with money". *Sigh*
I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed and tired and heartbroken and betrayed and.... I could go on and on but I won't because this is too long already! If you have made it this far into my saga, you have my thanks. Please tell me it gets easier. Tell me I will stop crying some day soon. Tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please?

That's alot to deal with. Deep breaths. One step at a time. So sorry you have to move. At least you can be with your mom. Glad you have a job. Those are good starts.
I am not sure I would believe him that he lost his job. Some men do that so they can't be liable for full cs and ss.
I would get all the financial info for the family (debts, assets etc). See a lawyer. See a counselor. Also, since he moved out you can go to court for dissertion and get temporary support. If you haven't done that I would.
Take care of yourself.
As for the OW ... double betrayal. Can't even imagine how that feels. I am sending hugs!
M
Hey there...
I'm sorry you have found yourself in the place where you need to find us, but I'm glad you did find us...
As for your stbx losing his job--this will not automaticaly mean he does not have to pay.
I feel so sorry for what you're going through. I can say it gets better...but I have still yet to be even close to "back to normal". This past year, I have gone from severely depressed and almost hospitalized, to happy and carefree, and back again. Such a vicious emotional rollar coaster. I feel like no one understands why I still feel the way I do. However, many of the people on this board are the closest I will come to someone understanding me. My STBX left and said the same exact things yours did...I didnt appreciate him etc etc. I look back, which I shouldnt do, on all the little thinsg I did constantly that should ahve showed him otherwise. I used to write letters on our dating and wedding anniversary just to let him know how much I appreciated him if I didnt say it throughout the year. But of course....he forgets all of this. He chooses to as he so elequently puts it. So in his efforts to forget the good things in our relationship, he has begun to think it was horrible, when in fact it was not. I really do feel for you. Your situation is exactly the same as mine...only the friend situation is worse. I dont know how I would react to that...cant imagine the double betrayal. But all in all, keep in mind, the crying stops, and it may stop for weeks, but it will come back. Just try to do a better job than I do, and remember as sure as it will get bad, it WILL get better again. I dont know how long it should take, but I hope you are better at this than me.
Karen
Dear andthentherewere3:
I was lucky that at least my child is an adult and out of the home!
My ex is now with his 'former best friend's', 'soon to be ex wife' and I think this started several months before he said he wanted out.
This is to me the most devastating because we tend to feel humiliated and used.
Ex sprung this relationship on our son when he came up for their annual lake weekend - and ex had this still married woman with him, then was gone the entire time with her in tow.
And yes, the pain is true pain - you can't eat or sleep - you cry easily.
It will pass and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Go to a counselor (woman) so that you have someone non-judgmental to talk to.
Remember the good times and then stop there, write your anger down in a notebook.
Eat something so you don't become ill.
These men are self centered, egocentric, and narcissistic people. I was too nice during the settlement - make sure you have an attorney , request he pay for it all as it has been his infedelity, protect yourself and the children.
It is 6 months for me now and yes, there are still down days but those are fewer and fewer between and the good days come more and more and more often.
Hang in there.
hugs
Hi there,
I am so sorry you're hurting like that. I am new here, too and still in shock so I can't advice you on much... Just know I hear you and feel sad and sorry. Hugs.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I, too, was betrayed by both my husband and best friend, and it's so difficult.
I can't tell you when you'll stop crying (I haven't yet), but I can tell you that you are not alone. Sometimes just knowing that helps. Sending positive energy your way.