New here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
New here
1
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:42pm

Hi there. As the title says I'm new here. And new to getting a divroce. I left my husband in mid-November because I couldn't live with an alcaholic/coke addict anymore. That's after 25 years of marriage, 5 children and 2 grandchildren. I think the final straw was when he started using coke this past summer but it had been in the back of my mind I think for quite a while. The constant thought "when the kids are older". The youngest is 18 now so at least I made it until they were all adults. What's making this the most difficult for me is how needy my husband is. He just can't let go of me. I know it's tough for him right now - he's been clean and sober for about 2 months now but he's really confused and lonely. He's managed to alienate most of the kids with his erratic behavior. I've gone to the house a couple of times to help him figure out the bills and whatnot. Each time he turns it into a highly emotional scene. Either tearing me apart for all my shortcomings and leaving him, or making me feel so guilty for leaving him. I just can't get him to understand that even though I want him to do well with the rest of his life I can't be a part of it. I don't know if it's because he truly still loves me, has lost control over me, or some of both. He's tried a couple of times to keep my car because someone told him it's marital property and whoever has posession of it owns it. Now I don't go to the house without locking the car and keeping the keys zipped up in my coat pocket which I don't take off. I've pretty much decided that all I'm going to do for him going forward is to send him regular checks to help pay the bills (which I am still responsible for). We have decided to share a lawyer to save money which probably isn't the smartest thing to do but neither one of us can afford our own. He's also really stressed out over having to sell the house which I totally understand since his father built it. I don't care if the house is sold or not - but I do want the debt from the marriage paid off and my name removed from everything left over so I don't know what he's going to be able to do about it. Right now I'm living with one of my daughters and her boyfriend but I can't do that forever. I need to get on with my own life and I know from experience that it's not healthy for a relationship to have a parent living with you for long. My MIL has lived with us from day one since we moved into the family home when we got married. But she's another story for another day! Let's just say that her picture will be right next to all the MIL jokes and horror stories.

Wow - I just realized how much I wrote. I guess I needed to talk to someone who wasn't family. If anyone has any advice on how to stay strong without being cruel (which I am constantly being accused of), I would really appreciate it. I need to validate myself and my thoughts and my feelings. I can tell myself that I'm not a bad person, that I'm doing what I need to do for me, but then the Pisces in me starts feeling all bad for him and I start to crumble. I really need a support system!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 12:51pm

Yikes!!!!!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~