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| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:05am |
Hello;
I've come back to ivillage after quite a while.
My name is Laurene, and I am in the middle of a very ugly divorce. I was married for 23 years. My marriage, looking back now, was very unhealthy. The mental, emotional and psychological abuse went on for most of it. At the end, before I fled, there were threats of physical abuse. I fled in April 2006.
I'm 40, and finally decided that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life in a relationship, especially a marriage that just wasn't ok.
After the papers have been filed, I now face losing everything. I am disabled, cannot work due to physical issues, and therefore, I lost physical custody of my 4 boys, ages 21, 20, 18 and 13. They all live with their father. He is manipulating them and my mother to no end. I now face losing my spousal support, all of the stocks, retirement funds, and all of my belongings. I have, what was purported to be, a wonderful, bull-dog of an attorney. I am finding that in Michigan, my rights are next to none. Frustrating!
I guess I'm here just to have a place to talk, to find out information and seek support.
I am in a present relationship with a very loving, supportive man. He must be the most patient man in the world!!
How do you all deal with the daily frustrations? Facing being backed into a corner by your soon to be ex-spouse? How do you all deal with the frustrations, anger and disappointment of your children?
Thanks for reading!!
Laurene

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so I can tell you that I did not deal very good at first with anger, frustration and fear.
I let it out for a few days but now I am calming down. It helps me to remember the bad marriage and that I have a chance to be happy now as I live my life out.
I was searching around online dating then decided to take my profile down. I need a year to heal. I suspect I will be a basket case for a bit.
You could write down all the mean bad things he said and did to you are re read it and then you could be reminded that is a blessing and no matter what happens you will be better off away from the toxic marriage. good luck
Thanks so much for your response!!
I am finding the frustration and anger hard to deal with. I guess that's one reason that I came back to ivillage.
The wonderful man that I am with now is very understanding, as he went through an ugly divorce years ago. He's gotten through that part, and has moved on. He's found ways to deal with these kind of issues in his life, but I'm still in the middle of it. I tend to be hot-headed, and the frustration and anger tends to well up and just roars out.
Since I cannot have contact with my ex, due to a PPO that I have out on him, I cannot turn my anger and frustrations out on him. I have no one else to turn this gammut of emotions towards anyone but myself. Unfortunately, it tends to come out on the people around me, and it's not fair to them. They don't understand the amount of emotions that I have, and I get frustrated by the fact that there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that I can do!
I knew going into this that it would be a daily roller coaster ride, but I never knew the emotional and physical toll it would take on me.
Working on myself daily, I find that I am stunted in a lot of ways. I was married at 19, and a lot of things that I need now to make a successful life and relationship, I don't have. I know, a lot of excuses. I just feel absolutely helpless. I've begun writing down a lot in my journal, and just look back and say, "Why did I stay so long?" Having grown up in an alcoholic home, I can completely sympathize with you. It was horrible. The fact that you took it upon yourself to leave, and not take it anymore, says a lot about you.
Again, thanks for your post.
Laurene
It will be tough for a while, but you WILL make it. Never give up. Just take it one day at a time--one hour at a time if necessary. Find a way to vent your anger so it is not directed at anyone else--I find writing is very helpful. Deep breathing also helps-breath in deeply and exhale the stress, pain, frustration, etc.
Hang in there!!
Becka
Becka;
Thank you!!
I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Some days it's one minute at a time!!
Being in the middle of a divorce, with children isn't easy in the first place. I never expected it to be. But this!? My soon to be ex has begun a smear campaign of me. He talks to everyone that we knew, I do not live in the same town anymore, I now live approx. 35 miles away, so I cannot defend myself. My integrity has always been very important to me, not my reputation. I know that they often go hand in hand, but I care what people think about me. The fact that all of my "friends" have taken his side just ticks me off!! I've tried to talk to them, but because he has custody of my kids, and it "appears" that I've abandoned them, the people that I knew are taking his side against me. I know, if they were truly my friends then they would not have done this, but it still hurts!! Not having their support during this really drains me. I guess that's one of the reasons that I came back to ivillage. I don't expect everyone to understand or accept my present situation, but . . . just having people who will talk to me, and give me their honest opinion helps!!
Thanks so much for the ideas. I do biofeedback many times during the day for the pain that I am in due to my physical issues, and sometimes it helps with the anger. It just wells up, and I tend to take it out on myself first. I don't drink, anymore, and the medications that I take are strictly for the physical pain. I just wish that there were something, other than time-I'm not the most patient of people, that would work.
As of Wednesday, I made a decision about an upcoming court hearing-a mediation hearing. I tried to get out of it, only because I don't have the $300 for the hearing, and now, due to that decision I have alienated my attorney. On Friday, I received a letter from his office stating that if I didn't come up with the money, then he was withdrawing as my counsel! So now, I'm forced to come up with $300, and I only get $200/week in spousal support!! There is no money. I do not want to have to start all over with a new attorney, but if things don't go right, I may have to. I've aleady been in this for over 8 months! In Michigan, where I live, divorce can be finalized at the end of 6 months. I knew my stbe-soon to be ex-was going to drag this out as long as possible, but this is just getting worse and worse each day!
Whew . . . sorry for the novel there!!!
I hope you had a good day today!
Laurene
I just wanted to lend some support from Michigan. I live here also so if you ever want to talk, feel free to email me at heidifromscratch@aol.com
Heidi
Hang in there and don't give up. It does get better.
Becka
Laurene,
your story resonated so much with me. my STBX threatened me with a $20K custody battle, which both of our attorneys during mediation agreed that it would take to resolve the matter of custody, so, i felt that i should be the "bigger" parent and concede custody to my STBX. i figured since by twins are boys, moving into preteen stage, they truly need their father, and if it would've gone the other way, he abandoned them last summer. so, i knew he'd "punish" them again if i had been awared majority physical custody. i say this to say that no one can ever understand your family "dilemma" and do not allow others' thoughts to dictate what is best for you. do not give your STBX or others that much power, they don't deserve it, and only use it for negativity.
as women, we must STOP buying into or believing our "worst reviews," unsolicitedly offered by others who do not truly understand our journey as women, many of us on this board, struggling to emerge with conviction, courage, and sustained character from very, very broken marriages, often to men who have perfected this faux-perfect public relations campaign, where others cannot believe they are such emotionally cruel, distant, selfish, narcissistic, controlling men?!
and why is ok for so many "fathers" to adandon their children, but then when we demand that they be fathers and take ownership of this in the true sense, "we" as women are accused of "abandoning" our children, when in essence, we are oftentimes, the glue that held our family together in the first place--such an unfair societal position!!
all you can do is do what is best for you and your children. i see my children every other weekend from friday - tuesday, and i kid you not, our relationship seemingly has gotten stronger! i knew that they needed their father, and because i thought of THEIR best interest, in the long run, i know they will respect and love ME even more. no one will ever take your place as their mother for alll of their lives--no bad-mouthing, no distance, no "worst reviews" from so-called friends and strangers, no skank GFs, etc.
so, you cannot "abandon" people (your children) whom you will be always connected. and allll the negative energy and so-called revenge he is trying to heap on you WILL backfire (i know this to be very true, it is happening to my STBX, who continues to "try" to take me through hell).
yet, when you walk in faith, walk with boldness into your rewarding future ahead, it rings true that: "the stone that the builder rejected has now become the cornerstone."
those "rejections of you" are ultimately "rejections" of the truth about your STBX (and mine, as i reflect on this). it is easier to "blame" you for the demise of an already failed marriage than take responsibility. but at the end of the day, the accountability lies with those who are accountable. the rejection is not your personal truth, it is HIS--do not accept or reflect on the negative things that you are not. you are only accountable to your children and they KNOW who their mother is.
"the stone that the builder rejected has now become the cornerstone."
focus on where your heart leads you in life, and NOT those who reject you. then, and only then, will you emerge as a wonderful cornerstone, with those "rejectors" serving as mere pebbles BELOW your foundation :)
hugs!!
Heidi;
It always amazed me that I would go to a national/international website and find wonderful people right in my own backyard!!
Thanks for the offer of your email. I'll add it to my address book! Please, feel free to do the same with mine . . .lfurtonmail@yahoo.com
Laurene
Thank you so much!!!
I've never talked with someone who is going, or has gone, through something like this!! With the divorce so new, and unsettled, the boys are still quite angry with me. I see the manipulation that my stbx inflicts on them, and it frustrates me. When they talk to me, email me or see me, it's HIM that's talking. That bothers me. Just a week or so ago, the first big "blow up" happened between myself and 2 of my sons. I took it. During this whole awful scene, I tried to talk to them, explain my side, but . . . I realized that they needed to vent. They, all of them, have kept their feelings so bottled up towards me. I knew and accepted that it wasn't healthy for any of them.
The wonderful man that I'm with now, was with me the morning that this happened. I was retrieving items from our storage unit, and had no help. With my atty's approval, I took him with me. With my physical issues, I cannot pick up more than a gallon of milk with my left hand and arm. I knew that, being an absolute bookhound, I had many, many books, plus other items to move. My boys took offense at his being there, and he took it. W/o comment towards them. He went through an awful divorce himself, and realized that their anger wasn't exactly towards him, although it sounded that way!! I knew how hard it was for him to take their disrespect and comments, but he did it anyway, for me. After that situation, I realized that by me not explaining the truth to my sons, and trying to keep the uglies away from them, I hindered their being able to deal with all of this. Now, they are getting the "facts" from my stbx on a daily, minute by minute basis. None of my sons will see me. This breaks my heart!! But, I am willing to give them the time they need to work through some of their feelings. I email them daily, call them daily-although they will not take my calls either! I've begun to tell them about their Mom and her life. I realize now, that only the truth will heal them.
I am not badmouthing their father to them. I won't go to his level!! I hear them out, when they are willing to talk to me, about him. I realized that at their ages, they needed their father. One huge issue with me about this though, is the fact that when they were young, my stbx and I had the conversation that at some point, them all being boys, they would need their father to teach them how to become men. This is NOT something that I can do!! I've never been a guy, and although I know how I want them to treat women, and all other people, I cannot teach them what they need to become young men. My stbx explained to me that he didn't know how to do this!! His excuse? HIS father didn't teach him! That's the way that my stbx is. Everything, every problem that he has ever had, is having, or will have in his life is someone else's fault. My sons now take this on as their own thought process. This worries me to no end!!
Looking back on the people in my life, I guess I can no longer call them friends, I realize that I can move on w/o them. Sure, it hurts . . . but I can do it! When I fled my home, I did so because I decided that my children deserved to have a mother who was healthy, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It was the hardest decision that I've ever had to make!! Knowing how their father is. But, I know it was the right decision. Just recently, during our verbal altercation, one of my sons told me that my stbx still loved me. I told them then, and in recent emails to them, that what their father is offering to me as love, isn't love. Having the love of a wonderful man has shown me what it is to be loved. Accepting that offer isn't always easy. After all of the years of being beaten down, I thought I wasn't good enough, and didn't deserve it. Now, after almost 8 months with this wonderful man, I am beginning to see that I DO deserve it. We all do!! The scars still show, and I know that it will take a while to heal, but I believe that I am well on my way.
I've had people ask me, "how can you go from being dependent on one man to being dependent on another?" Believe me, it was easy!! I know that sounds awful, but I'm not "dependent" on him!! I'm becoming my own person, and he's all for that!! Down the road, I would love for my sons to have a relationship with him. They need and deserve to be loved by a "real man", who knows himself, accepts himself and all of his problems and faults, and works through them. I could not ask for a better man!!
The divorce process is never easy. If someone came to me with problems with their marriage, yes, I would still say "try to work it out. Seek counseling, if not together, then go by yourself!" What I would caution them to though, is to NOT let someone else cause you to begin to doubt yourself. My stbx didn't support any of my dreams for my life. Would not support me working, wanted me under his thumb at all times. The other thing that I would caution people about is the fact that "emotional scars show". My stbx told me once that they didn't. I believed him!!lol stupid me!! I think sometimes, the emotional scars are the hardest to deal with. The physical ones heal, but the emotional ones are the ones that we have to deal with 24/7.
As women, yes we are "programmed" to stay. Especially for the children. I bought into that. My mother, who was in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage, has told me that I had no right to leave!! I would have thought that someone with her background would have understood. Many of my "friends" have asked why I didn't come to them instead of leaving!! Looking back, they wouldn't have heard me, nor would they have stepped up to help. Dumping on friends, while it can be cathartic, after awhile gets old. I understand that we all have our issues to deal with. Many of my friends have huge problems of their own. Who was I to add more to them? Now, I see that they couldn't have handled it anyway, especially since they think I am in the wrong now. Some of these people I have known my entire marriage!! Some longer!!
All I know is that I am better for this divorce. Even though it's tough, and we all know it is!!
Thanks again for your wonderful post, and thoughts!!
Laurene
Hi Lauren;
I also left a long marriage of 29 years, it would've been 30 years next weekend. There was physical abuse early on and I left on a couple of occasions as did he. I kept staying for the children and as the years past the control became more evident, no more friends, we didn't socialize with anyone and although the physical abuse stopped, the verbal and emotional abuse continued. I don't know why we take it so long, I guess it becomes normal life to us, I was only 17 when I married, and so never knew how to be different was my excuse for years!! It will get better I left last spring, have used my money up as well, but fortunately for me I have a good job. The issue with friends I totally understand that , the old ones disappear as well I had as taste of jealous girl friends because I am now single and they don't want me around their SOs. I had a male friend that helped me considerably , tolerated my moments of frustrations, and I didn't know him very long at the time. This friend and I will probably only ever just be that, Friends, because of the emotional issues he helped me through and saw me at my worst. ( I have posted about him before) It is a very hard road but I feel alot better now and know that I did what was best for me, you are on your way to a better life now, Congratulations for loving yourself enough to do it! : )
Suzie
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