New here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2005
New here
3
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:20pm
I am a sahm of 3 boys ages 9,7,and 5.My husband has been moody the past month or so.We celebrated our 10 years on Thanksgiving.He gave me a real sweet card and wrote that he doesn't always show it but he loved me,but then he has been real moody.He goes and hangs out at the pool hall till late at night with his one friend who I can't stand.Friday night he said he hates coming home at night because i am a terrible wife.He said I don't show him affection.I have 3 kids and I babysit 5 kids so I am tired.The only thing my husband has to do around the house is take out the trash,I do everything else plus mow the yard and take care of the flower beds.My husband also doesn't talk to me in a way he should all the time either.My fil talks mean to my mil when he gets angry.One time we were on vacation and my mil didn't read a sign the right way and my fil said "You can't ******* read a thing you are so stupid".After that my mil told me she would put up with it so he wouldn't take it out on the kids.My husband isn't that bad but I do see some of fil in him.If I ask where has he been he'll say none of your business.We fight alot about his family.My inlaws live 2 hours away and never come out to our house.I had my two younger sons birthday parties at thier house this year since they won't come here.The thing that gets me is they can drive out here every fri and sat night in the summer to watch my bil race but not to see the greandkids.They have never seen the kids on xmas because she can't leave her family(she is one of six kids).My grandma is dying and I wanted to go see her and he says he doesn't want to go there and just sit.My grandma lives hour and half away and he said I can see her anytime and he always wants to go to his moms.Hospice said my grandma only has a couple of weeks.In anger I told him his mom and dad have no excuse not being able to drive out here while my grandma is bedridden and can't.This is the first year my grandma has not come here for xmas.I am sorry this is long and a rant I am scared for my boys and that I won't make it money wise without him. Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: cnleycrew
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:40pm
I am so sorry Lori! I know how you feel. My H always said where he went was none of my business either. And his mother was soooo cruel and mean to his dad. and it was constant. it was like an insane asylum in his parents house. He has verbally and emotionally abused me for 28 years. we are filing an uncontested divorce. seeing the attorney on friday. He has found the married woman who gave birth to his daughter shortly after going back to her husband. then he met me.......we had two wonderful children. He has found her again to try andfind the daughter now the two of them talk daily on the phone and email all the time. She told him she wouldnt leave her husband but he had had two heart attacks. oh my. this is one big soap opera. I have been in so much pain, agony, anger, fear! But even though I still love him this way the abuse will stop.
I am 57 and he has always been the main breadwinner and provided insurance.
There is alot of good advice on this board about what to do and how to take care of yourself and get what you deserve. My kids suffer from the dysfunction of his abuse toward me. I would say dont tolerate it. but you have to do what you feel is best. In my opinion his parents are also emotionally abusing you and your children by making it so clear how unimportant they are to them. Each day I feel better and I have not thrown a fit everyday just every other day LOL.........
He just left to take some movies back and he said "I will be gone a while" he calls her alot at this time of night.....I am thinking her churchs Relief Society gets out about now so spose they talk on her way home. I feel sorry for her H but I am not going to tell him. I am just going to get out of this marriage and try to be in tact emotionally and physically as possible. He only had a six month affair with her 28 yrs ago but now its true love in spite of their spouses? ok........he wants out and he can just go.
Life is too short to live so unhappily. I Had thought about asking if we could stay married just by law only so he could get the house interest tax benefits and i would have insurance . He said he would consider but you know I got to thinking. I would probably sit here all alone and say Hey I have a husband and never leave him alone and that is probably true.
I think the more we stay in an abusive relationship the more we think we are spose to try and we become so co dependant that we cant get out.
I hope the best for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
In reply to: cnleycrew
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 3:41am

Hi, I'm new as well. I just moved out of my marriage of 22 years. Mine was very contolling and would come up with some strange @*%! to get his way all of the time. It sounds like yours is controlling as well, but since I dont know you, it's hard for me to tell you what to do. All I can do is listen and tell you about my trouble.

OUrs started out great as they all do. I had a problem with trust since my first hubby cheated on me after 2 years. So B had it rough at first. Looking back, I can remember one night he said something that made me bolt out of bed and say that I was leaving. I can not remember what it was, but I wish now that I had followed my instincts. That's the biggy. Instincts. Don't second guess yourself. 9 out of ten your instinct is right if you are being honest with yourself. It's harder for you because there are kids, but in a way that could make it easier because you need to put them first in respect to how they are treated and spoken to, what they miss out on because of the controlling hubby and what are they learning to do and or to tolerate as adults?

It's hard to make your stand and choose your battles, I know. If you start now maybe you wont be where I am right now.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2005
In reply to: cnleycrew
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:01am
Thank you for your response.The other part that scares me is him taking the kids to his parents house and me not being there to make sure the kids are safe.When we were there a couple of weeks ago for my 5 yr olds b-day the adult men were outside shooting a rifle near the house.My boys were outside playing and I made them come in.My sons have never been around guns and they are not used to them.My mil told me that I'm turning them into city wimps.My youngest son is allergic to peanuts and they gave him turkey fried in peanut oil.Luckily he didn't eat any yet,and they said oh we forgot.I am just scared the boys will get hurt if I'm not there.My mil cusses all the time and my 5 yr old picked up a certain word.You would think she would try to watch her mouth,but it made her cuss more I think. Lori