New here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
New here
7
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 2:40pm

Hi, everyone. I'm new here, joining the ranks of the soon to be divorced. I've been married 7 years, 2 kids. We got married because of our dd and only knew each other 6 weeks before I got pregnant. It's been a struggle the whole time we've been married and I'm just tired of it all. I can't even say he's a great guy, but we just don't click. He's not that great of a guy at all. He's an ok dad, but he definitely has anger management issues. I think he'll make a great "weekend" dad. I've told him I want out, but that if he seriously wanted us to stay married, I'd go to couples counseling. He declined. I haven't moved out yet. I have nowhere to go. We're pretty new to the area and the only people I know are the people I work with. Since I've told him, he's gotten pretty hostile. I can't do anything right. Apparently, I refuse to take responsibility for anything. I have no idea what he was referring to when he said that. I asked and he wouldn't tell me. So that's my intro. I'm sure you'll be hearing lots from me in the next few months.

Allison

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: arynsmommy
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 7:39pm

allison...

It's only Pianoguy's opinion, but RIGHT NOW is the time to leave!

If the man you're married to has "anger issues" around you...what happens when he decides to take them out on THE CHILDREN?

This is the time to 'touch base' with understanding friends and family members. It's amazing how many will 'come through for you' if you sincerely ask for help!

Do this for your children...as well as yourself!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: arynsmommy
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 8:24pm
PG- Thanks for your reply. I've tried touching base with family and friends. All of my friends are too far away. I've asked my mom if we could stay with her for a while, but she said no. And yes, she knows how bad it is. She just doesn't care. I married someone just like her, so she thinks I'm overreacting. I'm going next week to DFS to see about getting into some subsidized housing, but I have no idea how long of a wait that is. I don't know what else I can do. I'm open to suggestions. I'm sure there's something I haven't thought of yet. If we were still living where we used to, I'd have people to help me out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
In reply to: arynsmommy
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 9:08pm
I grew up with a father who did not manage his anger well (i just recently posted right before i saw yours) and this is not good for your kids. It is better to leave now then later - your kids will be detrimentally affected by this form of abuse (yes, it is considered abuse) if it goes on too long. My younger sister and I are both adults, in our twenties, and I am more affected by it than her, so I guess it depends on each child's disposition, but I wouldn't risk that, not knowing for sure...also, perhaps check with a local women's shelter - I volunteer at one, and they are in the best place to find suitable and affordable housing...
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: arynsmommy
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 3:03am

allison..

A PS from PG:

If you know that your Mom won't come through for you (or her grandchildren)...go to a different source!

Surely there are people whom you work with...are friends with...even attend CHURCH with...who would be willing to (at least temporarily) help you out?

It's amazing how many doors start to open the moment a person finds the courage to 'grab the handle and turn the knob!'

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: arynsmommy
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 9:02pm
I know it might sound crazy, but I really don't know anybody other than my doctors and the people I work with. Since we've moved here, I stay home while stbx works and when he gets home, I leave for work. I do have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. I suppose I could ask him if he has any resources other than dfs. I don't know. It seems weird to ask my surgeon about it. I'm still planning on going to DFS first thing on Tuesday. I just wish I had family that cared or that I had some local friends. I don't even know how to go about findind a local support group or anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
In reply to: arynsmommy
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 1:03am
Hi there. I know how you feel. I am all alone where I am at too. We moved here in June and I couldnt take another minute by the begining of September. He moved out and back home shortly after that. I have not one friend or family member where I am at. It is really scary to not know anyone in town. I feel very isolated and scared at times and concider changing my mind and asking him back even though I would know it would destroy me. Theres just something in me that wont let me do that. Self preservation maybe....who knows...Just try to take it one day at a time and ask alot of questions. Maybe call a DV hotline? Often times, I have found that asking one person a question will lead to another person, and another...etc...Im going to be doing the same thing tommorow, in looking for a job and daycare. Hoping that one thing will lead to another. Just dont give up hon..it will all work out so long as you are activly working on it. Depending on how much money you have, could you get your own place? or even a roommate situation in the interim while things are getting started with the divorce? Good luck to you and your children through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: arynsmommy
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:07am

Thanks so much for your reply. Thankfully, I do have a job. It's not much, but it is a paycheck. I wish I had the money to just get my own place, but I don't. I just had two surgeries and was out of work for 8 weeks because of them. Besides that, stbx knows exactly how much I bring home and I haven't been able to stash any away. I've tried so many times to do that and each time, he finds out and then spends it. I'm planning to ask the people I work with tonight if they know of anybody that can help. I live in a huge city. I know there are resources out there, I just haven't found them yet.

Thanks!