new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
new here
7
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 10:13pm
Hi All,
I'm in the beginning of "the process". I've retained an attorney and he is in the process of filing my complaint.
Here is my story:
My stbx left 3 weeks ago. We've been married for 7.5 years, together for 9. He came home from work and announced that he'd been seeing someone else. (Let me say that it did not come as a surprise, as I had had my suspicions as had my mother, with whom we lived.) I asked him if "it" was over, did he want to seek counseling, etc...he came back with "well, we haven't been getting along for a while, so no, lets just end it" I said fine, but he had to tell our son, who was 4 at the time, now 5. I stood back while he did so, telling him that daddy was not going to be living with us any longer, that he did a really mean thing to mommy and that he needed to move out. Of course, our son started to cry, but I consoled him, telling him that we both still loved him and that it was not his fault, he did nothing wrong and that it would all be ok. We all took a walk to the playground to let our son be with both of us before I made my stbx pack a bag and go. As he packed our son started to cry, then my stbx started to cry and begged me to let him stay. I said no, it would be the worst thing in the world to stay together for him and not for us. So he left. He called later that night to say goodnight to our son, still crying and drunk.
He has since moved to another state and I believe, moved in with his girlfriend. He has called from her home phone #, it showed up on my caller ID and has actually told my mom to hold on while he said something to her. He has had the nerve to ask me on visits to our son if his girlfriend could pick his son up sometime. I think that he is brain damaged.
I am not as upset about the breakup as I am the thought of my son staying over with daddy and his girlfriend. I've had a broken heart before, and I've always survived, but my son is just 5 and will no way understand his dad shacking up with another woman. I've told my lawyer that I don't want overnight visits and have given him numerous occasions when my stbx was irresponsible when our son was in his care only, so hopefully, that will be the case.
Sorry this is so long, but I didn't want to lurk anymore.
Thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:44am
Welcome! I'm in the process too, although for different reasons. Anyway, according to what my attorney has told me. It's hard to keep a parent from seeing their child. You'd have to be able to prove abuse or neglect to the court. I was also told that when the child is w/the other parent, that parent can do whatever they want. My STBX has gone through his share of girlfriends and has unfortunately introduced them to our kids. But apparently, there's nothing I can do about it unless I can prove abuse or neglect to the court. Good luck with everything. I wish you and your son the very best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:24am
thanks for the reply, I too have heard that it is hard and I don't necessarily want to keep stbx from seeing our son. He is his father and I picked him, that was my mistake.
I just want to make this whole process go as smoothly as I possibly can. He is still just a little boy. All his dad cares about are "his rights" to see his son, not what is ultimately in the best interest of our child. Its like swimming upstream.
Hopefully his new girlfriend is a nice person and she can make him see that rushing a 5 year old into anything will just confuse him.
Good luck to you as well, I'm glad I found this outlet. Its nice to talk to someone that is not in the middle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 8:50pm

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this. I'm also new here.

I just wanted to say that my attorney put a clause in my divorce decree that keeps both my stbx and me from having an overnight guest with whom we're having an dating or intimate relationship while my son is in the house. It's pretty standard in the state I live in to have some language like that. I think it can be hard to enforce, but at least it might be an option for you to protect your son from that situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:36pm
Do you mind if I ask you what state you're in? I'm in California and hoping I can get that wording into our settlement.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:06pm
thanks for the great advice, I'll check into it. I'm in NJ and I'm not sure what the laws are. This is all so new to me and so very hard to sort out. I just want what's best for my son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 9:10pm

Hi, I don't mind at all. I'm in Texas. As I said before, my attorney cautioned me a little bit against putting too much hope in that clause because she said it can be hard to enforce. But I feel better knowing it's there.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 9:12pm
Best of luck to you in trying to sort this out. It's so unpleasant, but it sounds to me like you have your son's best interests at heart. I'm sure you'll make the right decisions for yourself and him.