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Registered: 03-26-2003
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Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:17pm
I left my husband the end of April. I have 4 boy's..my oldest, he's 21 lives with his dad. The younger 3 ages 16, 15 and 13 live with me. I'm trying to keep things nice and peaceful for the kids sake, this was hard on them but I'm running into some brick walls. I could really use some advice. I left for a lot of reason, one being he can't hold a job. He had a really good union job, stayed there for 5 years then started having an affair with a girl who worked there and things went down hill from there. Eventually he was fired. After that he had 4 jobs in a year, each time we had to start on the low end of the pay scale. I was a stay at home mom until May of 2005 when I went to work full time. That has a lot to do with why I left, I finally had the self esteem and some more resources than I did before. Now to my delima. Even though the kids are old enough to take care of themselves I like to keep track of them. I want to know where they are, how they are getting there or getting home, I want details. One night he had the boy's at his place, I was going out and asked him if he could take them, he said yes. Well he dumped them at his place and left to go do something. I was mad..I told him if he has plans to tell me so I can make other arrangements, he told me next time he would. Well he did it again last night. He said he'd take one of the boy's to a friends game...he did but just dropped him off then went and did his own thing. He arranged a ride home for our son with a dad but it was way out of the dad's way. Meanwhile I'm at home and have no clue what's going on until my son calls me on his way home to tell me he'd be home in a few minutes. I can't stand the lack of communication, the inconsideration and the irresponsibility. Am I being too controlling in this matter? What can I do about it without causing a big problem? My instinct is to just limit incidents like this. Take the kids myself, dont' rely on him to do what he says he'll do. Any advice would be great! Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:25pm

sportsnutmom...

PG's thoughts:

1. You already know that your husband (I'm assuming you're still married) won't BEHAVE the way you want him to. He doesn't have to because you're both leading different lifestyles! So if you're concerned about the boys...perhaps you need to come up with a different arrangement when it comes to "visiting Dad?" Sorry, but 'withholding children' from a parent isn't a good idea! If the boys are uncomfortable during their visits, THEY'LL TELL YOU!

2. If you feel your boys are old enough to care for themselves...teach them how to use the responsibility that their Dad obviously DOESN'T HAVE? Have them "check in with you" on the nights you'll be out. And if there are last minute changes, give each of 'em a cell phone and a phone number where you can be reached!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 8:01am
I don't have a lot of advice but just want to say that I do understand your point and frustration. Many parents believe that just because their kids are older, they don't need supervision anymore and the reality is, they probably need more. Hopefully you have wonderful, responsible kids but certainly your stbx is giving them the opportunity at a little too much freedom to get into trouble. You might have to get them cell phones and work out a plan to have them call you at certain times so you know they are safe. If you start to suspect they are taking advantage of the situation, you might have to plan to check on them off and on to be sure that they are where they say they are. There really isn't much you can do. Unfortunately we can't force these guys to be good parents just like we can't make them be good husbands. I just wanted to say that I understood your concern.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:48am

I was going to pretty much ditto what pianoguy had to say.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:46pm

The short answer is that what STBX does parentally with the kids is his business alone, whether you like it or agree with it. This is a rather unsatisfying answer, but that's just the way it is. He does not have to do a thing that you agree with or like.

There are reasons why you are getting divorced, and I'm sure parenting is one of them.

Your best approach is to emphasize resposibility, discipline and respect with your kids so they can self-monitor regardless of what dad does.

You might want to attempt full custody, but you'll need objective evidence (like arrest records, doctor/hospital reports of injuries, police logs et al) to prove he's an unfit parent. Otherwise, its that you and he disagree on parenting. And short of resting custody, the courts will not resolve that.

If you feel that strongly, and you pursue a full custody case, be prepared to a three or four year legal battle that will absolutely harm your kids, and probably cost as much as their college educations.