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| Sun, 01-22-2006 - 3:12pm |
Hello everyone,
My name is Taylor and I have been married for 7 years and we have been together for 10 years. We have two kids, my daughter is from a previous relationship.
She was just a baby when I met my husband and she doesnt know that he is not her biological dad..... That is a whole other story.
Divorce has been a constant thought on my mind for the last 3 years. I am not at all happy. My husband cheated on me 3 years ago, I got over it (as much as one can) and I started to do things for myself. That is where all the problems started. He started to accuse me of cheating. We had many fights about what I was wearing, I had to give exact times I would be home, he would call me several times a day so on and so on. This has not really changed, I have just gone back to being the person HE wants me to be.
To make a very long story short he is very controlling and is threatened by anything and everyone including my friends and family. I dont feel free to be the person I really am. And I dont want to wait around for him to change who he is.
I know I will be happier divorced but I just cant quite do it yet. I really dont know what I'm waiting for.....the worst has already come.
I'm hoping to get insight on what to prepare for.
Thanks for listening.
Taylor

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Hi Taylor!
You didn't ask for a man's opinion, but Pianoguy would like offer one if that's okay???
I've been divorced twice. One marriage lasted 16 years....the 2nd 15 months!!! In between there was a 4-year relationship with "the girlfriend from Hell!" While each relationship meant a lot to me, I discovered (like yourself) that there wasn't a great deal of happiness present. I blame myself for some of the problems, but I also realize that the partners I chose had other agendas! Marriage or having harmony in a relationship WASN'T the #1 priority for either side.
So if you've spent every waking hour of every single day in misery, you need to change things a little?
After reading your post (twice), I honestly think your ability to forgive your husband (about the affair) probably was impossible? You might have thought that you did, but it's obvious from what you've written that YOU DIDN'T! .
What you should ask yourself is...."can I support myself alone and still be a good parent to my children?" While your soon-to-be EX won't have control over you...YOU HAVE TO CONTROL YOUR FINANCES AND NOT TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON YOUR 2 CHILDREN.
You might want to 'write a few things down' and discuss your needs with a lawyer or legal advisor? If you think your husband will listen to you without over-reacting, give him the first option. Then obtain professional advice from a competent legal person. .
Just remember that there's a 'major emotional transition' that takes place when a married person attempts to become single! The process ISN'T EASY. But once you've made the decision to move forward.........don't look back!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
Hi Taylor... I suggest that you have a consultation with an attorney just to find out what your rights and responsibilities are if you decide to divorce.
You know, when I was reading your post, I was thinking how typical your husband's behavior is.... of someone who is still involved in things that he's not telling you about!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi Taylor...
Welcome to the board... I'm sorry you find yourself in a place where you need to find us, but I'm glad that you did...
You're right, divorce is not an easy road... it is one with many ups and downs... but overall, it can get you to a better place, which it sounds like it will in your case.
Since your stbx is so controlling, you probably want to go ahead and start doing a little planning/research early... copying financial information, insurance policies and such before it really gets out and these records disappear... you may wish to open your own bank account and speak with an attorney to determine what your rights are... a common theme on this board is that knowledge is power and the more informed you are, the better you will likely feel about things and the easier it will be to decide to actually start down this new path.
We're here for you... If you have specific questions, toss them out there and we'll do our best to answer or point you in the right direction...
*hugs*
Julie
Thank you for your support and information. I was planning on opening a checking account tomorrow with a bonus check he doesnt know about.
He asked to have a talk tonight and I think I will just agree with what ever he has to say and do my research. Your absolutley right about "knowledge is Power". I'm going to need to be prepared espeically where it comes to my rights due to the fact that my stbx is a cop. I can see him using that to his advantage if I do something that is illegal or something that he can twist around to use against me.
I can support myself and kids with out him but I will not allow him to take everything. I have been through alot and have sacraficed too much to walk away with nothing.
Thank you again, I am very pleased with the response from everyone so far. Everyone has there own advice and experience to bring to the table.
Taylor
Thank you for your post! I am really greatful for any and all advice and experiences shared. I think that sometimes our minds can play tricks on us and it takes someone out side of the box to point that out.
I think that I have gotten past the affair. When I wrote that I got over it as much as one can, I believe it is always there in memory. I dont bring it up in arguments unless he is accusing me of cheating (which I'm not and will never do). You maybe right on some level that I'm not over it at all. But it is not my main reasons for getting this divorce.
I have gone over several times financially I can make it with out him. I just need to prepare myself with as much knowledge on my rights and what to expect before I drop the bomb.
Thank you again for your male point of view.
Taylor
Hi cl-wildlucky4me!
Thank you for your post. I love the poem!
It sounds like we have somethings in common with regards to having someone invade any possible privacy. My stbx is always snooping through my closet. I think he followed me to my tueday nite cooking class last week. I really needed some time alone so I parked in the parking structure and poured out all my feelings on paper for 2 1/2 hours then threw it away. When I came home my daughter said he had gone to the gym for 3hrs...this is after he had already gone for 2hrs in the morning. I knew by the questions he was asking he followed me. He has no reason to do something like that nor does he have a right.
He wants to have a talk tonight and I have decided to take some good advice and just agree with what ever it is that is on his mind. I cant handle another blow up.
Wish me luck, I'm going to need it tonight.
Thank you again for your post and I will keep the poem close.
Taylor
Well, you should
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi Karen,
I was just re-reading your post. I pasted below what you wrote:
You know, when I was reading your post, I was thinking how typical your husband's behavior is.... of someone who is still involved in things that he's not telling you about!
Are you saying that he may be still cheating?
He has such a tight hold on me that I haven't thought about it. I know that I have told him several times that "usually when someone is acusing another of doing something with out cause...its usually because they are the ones doing wrong".
hummm thats interesting. I would not be surprised if he is or has.
Taylor
You absolutly must get your ducks in a row before you make the "step". Don't forget to document everything! If you don't keep a diary/journal start now. It's amazing the things you'll forget once the wheels are in motion.
You know nothing in the world feels better than not being miserable. I was thinking of what your response to me in my thread and I can tell you that even though I'm struggling and living in a tiny apt w/ my children I honestly have never been happier. Nor have I ever appreciated ME more. I hope everything goes well for you :)
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