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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
New here
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Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:06pm

Hi all, I am new here although I have been lurking for a little while. I decided to post today because I am not doing so well and need some help. Can I make this sort of long? I'll try and hit the high points...
Last February, I had too much to drink and made out with one of my coworkers, a good friend of mine. This guy and I had been good friends for a long time, we worked together and spoke on the phone every day when one of us was not in the office. After the make out, we didn't speak for about a week, and then I wrote him an email basically saying that I hoped this didn't ruin our friendship (he was about the only friend i had made here since moving back) and he wrote me back saying it wouldn't. I thought I deleted the email but at the end of November, my husband got into my email and found it, and confronted me about my affair. I told him I didn't have an affair, and told him what did happen. He didn't believe me...I don't blame him, I would not have believe him either knowing that I continued to talk on the phone to my friend every day, even after he moved out of state. Eventually, H acknowledged that I didn't have a physical affair, but he feels I had an emotional one. Maybe I was...I don't know to be totally honest with you. I know that things had not been good between my H and I for a long time, but there were enough bright spots that I would have told you I had a happy marriage. About a month before he found the email, we had not been getting along very well, he took a new job and wasn't spending enough time with our son (3YO) in my opinion. Around this time we also found out that I was pregnant, something we had been trying for, although not for very long.
Anyway, that is the background....Dec and Jan were very rough, in Feb he moved to the guest room and quit coming home at nights and in March he moved out. He has been saying that he can't ever trust me again. I have been telling him that I think that he could, with the help of counseling...that people get through worse things than what I did. But he says he knows that and doesn't want to.
Yesterday, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, can't see ever being married to me, and that he wants a divorce. He told me he has slept with other women since he moved out.
In my heart, I have known for a while that it is over, for lots of reasons. Mine are different than his. I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who I am never good enough for. He never admits that he is wrong, never apologizes, never wants to take me anywhere...I think that I am simply not the right person for him. We met when he was 20 and I was 21...now we are 30/31 and I think he just thinks that he can do better. Like I said, things were not good between us for a while before he found that email, and I think he found a great excuse to get out of something he didn't want to be in anyway.
I am sort of in shock today. Knowing that someone doesn't want to be married to you, and hearing it said out loud are such different things. It doesn't help that I am sick and have the pregnant hormones going on. I am working from home today and I can't concentrate...I have to pull myself together before I need to pick my son up from daycare.

I know what I did was wrong, I feel terrible about it. But am I wrong to feel like the punishment is not fitting the crime? I feel like if he had told me he made out with a friend and that this friend had been there for him when I had not, that I would be horrified to find that I had made someone feel so worthless around me. I am not saying what I did is his fault at all, but I have realized through seeing a shrink the reasons behind why i did this and why i told him other stupid little lies, which have also led to him not trusting me or wanting to try and trust me again now. He doesn't care...he says that he doesn't want to know why. But I know that I would...because how he has treated me since our son was born has a big part in why I couldn't ever talk to him about anything.

ag i am babbling, i'm sorry. i'll try and be more focused next time I post, I just feel lost and paralyzed and i do not know what to do to get through today. much less the rest of my life at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: nflfan
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:22pm
god, you sound so hurt. you need to talk to a professional. yes, you were wrong to kiss your co-worker -- and yes your husband should have been upset. but it's the sort of thing that means that were problems in your relationship and once it was out in the open, marriage counselling would have helped -- if you both agreed to it. your husband wanted out and you probably already knew that. and someone wanted to kiss you -- that meant that he actually was finding you attractive .... see where i'm getting? anyway, a professional could help you now -- a lot. get a refferal if you can. if not, make a few phone calls to psychologists covered in your health plan and schedule with one who sounds good to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: nflfan
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:11pm

Hi there....


A little backround. I am divorced and in another relationship with a wonderful man. I got pregnant a year ago and during my pregnancy my boyfriend strayed. He kissed another co-worker. I was devistated. I was pregnant, my husband left me for another woman.... I felt trapped and "fooled" by this man who took care of me and my kids so well I completely trusted him after I had my heart broken by my husband. I was ready to leave the day I found out about BF's kissing episode. He and I fought about it. We talked, I cried, I yelled... all of those things. He believed I was ready to leave. He ended up apologizing. I told him he was no better than my ex husband and it something snapped. He broke down, swore it wouldn't happen again and I believed him. I decided that night to stay. I had more to lose than just