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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:11am |
Hello,
I am new to your board. I need to get some thoughts “out there” so that I can work through exactly how to take the next steps.
First, I have been married to my H for 10 years. I’m in my very late 30’s. We have no children together (2 miscarriages) and he has a 16 yr old D from a previous marriage. My husband is not abusive. He is not an alcoholic (he has used drugs in the past but says he has been clean for 3 years now). Things for us are not going well at all. We have not been fighting, we just don’t seem to live together any more. He has been sleeping in another part of the house for over a year now. When I asked him about it, he got defensive. He says he wants me to sleep with him in the living-room. He has not held down a steady job for years now. Recently, I stopped paying his bills (auto insurance, vehicle payments) and now, he is getting angry with me.
We got into a huge fight – he says he does not want a divorce, but that I am never going to be happy if I stay with him. Is that true? Am I asking too much from him? I am grieving over the loss of my not being able to be a parent to my own children and I know that I am angry over things that he can not control, but I also believe that if I have not completely accepted that loss, I am coping with it. I am finding ways to accept that change of plans for my life and to move on to something else.
Here’s the thing…..I know that my marriage is not good, (understatement) but when people stay married for over 50 years, don’t they have to go through some of the same things? How do you know when to file for divorce?
The people closest to me (mother & best friend) both say that this relationship is over. I should have divorced him a long time ago. I don’t believe in letting other people make my decisions for me, but I am so confused. When I picture my future, I don’t see him there, when I think about that I feel heartbroken.
I am very grateful for the opportunity to have a place to be open with my thoughts and feelings and I thank you for allowing me to express my very confused self in such a way.

Well, it sounds like he's not happy with himself... and until he takes some steps to get off the sofa, get a job and do some responsible things for him that will give him a feeling of self worth, you're fighting a loosing battle.
In his eyes... his depressed-I-need-professional-help-eyes..... your paying his bills, and even sleeping on the couch with him are validators, to him,
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
not all marriages go through this! my parents have been married 30 years (i am divorced after 5 years of marriage) and they have had rough spots, but what your h is showing you is more than a rough spot.
hes mad that you arent paying his bills? this guys nothing but a mooch.
please listen to your mom.
sometimes it helps just to hear someone else say they understand.
and just a random thought, you could always look into adoption if you still want children. regulations vary of course, but one of my friends started an international adoption as a 30+ single woman.
be strong
:)