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| Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:04am |
Hi I'm of mom of two who has been married to a military man for 7 years. He went away to school and called me and told me that he's not in love with me anymore and wants to divorce. He isn't fighting me on anything. I pick up our speration agreement sometime this week. When he gets back we will use the base of the seperation agreement to file for the divorce. I think I have most things in order but then who kows right? He has agreed to me having full custody of the kids and allowing me to move from Ga to Tx with then. He is giving me all of our households items and will continue to make my car payment in leu of alimony. My kids are 6 and 3. The hardest part so far is dealing with my 6 yr old who has lots of questions because she didn't see it coming. It's not like we fought anything. He just seems to think he can be happier with someone else. It is all so confusing. I have been a SAHM mom for over 3 years and the thought of going back to work and leaving my youngest in daycare scares me. He is a mommas boy and has only ever been watched by one friend and that was only a few hours at a time. I am looking for a place to through out some thoughts with people who understand. I know when he actually comes back from school in May that that is when things are going to get tough.

I am sorry to hear you are going to have to go through this when it's not what you want. I just wanted to make a comment on him paying the car payment instead of alimony. You really need to talk to an attorney about that and see if the alimony would be around the car payment amount. It is possible that since you've been a SAHM the alimony would be higher and last longer than the amount you own on the car, and it's also possible it could be less than that. You want to ask an attorney so you know what you are giving up or getting. It's fine to compromise and agree on that, but you should do it knowing what you could have gotten under the law.
The other question is who's name is on the car loan? If your name is on it, you need to take responsibility for checking each month that the payment was made and was on time. It's easy to do this, just ask the car company to send statemetns to both of you, or make that call once a month (or go online) and check the payment posted. If he misses a payment it could be months before you found out and your credit would already be ruined. It's fine to trust he would never do that, but it's happened to too many women, and checking isn't hard to do and it doesn't mean you don't trust him, it's just that you have to look out for yourself now.
I know the board website has some great books for explaining divorce to children.
To answer you questions the carpayment is 400 a month which is more than I would have gottenin alimony. Also the car is in his name only so if he misses a payment it would ruin his credit. Plus it is already set up as an alloment out of his check so there is no chance of it NOT being made the military is good for that just like they will be with the child support. It is also written in to the agreement that he has to sign the Blazer over to me when it is paid off next Novemeber. The lawyer that drew up the agreement saw to that.
As for whether I want this or not, at this point I just don't know. I am trying to accept and move foward.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this!!
It sounds like you've covered a lot in your papers. What kind of visitation do you have written down. Does you separation agreement address holidays, medical payments, insurance? There are a lot to cover and you can't always anticipate that you'll be amicable. I pray for you all, that you do, but as we've all learned when you're in the first part and sometimes almost numb and filled with many emotions, things can be talked about in a different way than later on when emotions are hot and heated.
Is he seeing someone?
It's always best to work things out amongst the two of you but I would still talk with people who have been through a divorce and make sure the dots are dotted. My attorney, who was the best in my state, failed to tell me many things I 'should' have done. My friend had a very amicable separation agreement that was also supposed to be rolled over to a divorce decree but then she found out he had a girlfriend and things got ugly. He agreed to everything she wanted at the start and then fought her on everything when it was time for the divorce a few months later. From what I have heard, Judges like to keep things similar to what was in the separation agreement, but that doesn’t' always mean that's written in stone. Is there a reason you’re not just filing for divorce? If it's going to be a divorce eventually, you might think about that. It will save you money in the long run, they are basically the same paper only one is more 'final'. Not only do you only have to file once, but you won't have to revisit some of the battle grounds, they will be resolved.
It sounds like he's being fair.........I would just ask why. Is it that he feels guilty about leaving and wants to genuinely be fair or is it something else?
I had NO idea my ex would be so difficult afterwards. We figured out our parenting agreement in mediation and I left out a lot of details because I just assumed he and I would communicate and parent. When his girlfriend entered the picture, all hell broke loose and he's never really communicated with me again on anything, including things like medical insurance, payments, stupid things and big things. We spent the year after the decree was final in court with contempt charges because he wouldn't do things that were in the agreement and I had to fight for things that were not adequately spelled out. Modifying later is expensive and exhausting so what ever you can address up front, the better. If you don't need it and you two decide to change things later between you two, you have that option.
You are making this choice for longer term. I know it's hard to think of it that way, but you need to because it's costly later on, both emotionally and financially. There are people that divorce amicably and I envy that and applaud you if you do, however, I'm not sure, at this early stage, you can know what’s around the corner. You can hope for the best, be reasonable, fair but you need to cross your T's and dot your I's. If you've never been divorced and shared custody, there are things that crop up that you won't expect or you assumed.
You're smart to take the car payment in your circumstance. Alimony is taxed, but I'm not sure him making your payment will be. You might want to look into that. It sounds like he's being fair, if not overly fair, for what ever reason. You're in the hard part where your emotions are in front and logic can sometimes be in the back seat and yet these decisions you make will set the precedence for the future in a way people often don't grasp when they are starting it.
I was able to stay in the house so my kids didn't have that change as well. My kids were 10, 5,4 & 2 when we divorced. I had been a SAHM for 10 years. I started a daycare in my home so that I could be home with my kids. Our daycare bill would have been $1300/month too. It's turned out to be a huge blessing for my kids because not very much as changed in regard to where they live, friends, school. Lots of things change, but the more that can stay the same, the better off I think they can handle the rest of the emotions. Kids just need someone to be there to listen and cry with them and they need to understand that everything will be okay. They need to hear you both do and will continue to love them and they will see their dad and when. They need to be able to have bad days and be angry at the upheaval in their life, just as we do. there are some great books for kids that are for you, to help them and to just read to them for understanding. My 5 yr old knew what was going on, but only as a 5 year old can. They all had a bad year in school the next year. I worked closely with their school counselor and got them some counseling with someone that specialized in kids. Mostly, they need to see as little conflict as possible between the two people they love in the world. They need to know the soft place they depend on, will not leave. You need to take care of you, so you can be there for them. It's a rough road, but there is a light at the end of the numb, distant, sick feeling you’re probably feeling. Be open with your kids......appropriately. You are on a roller coaster ride that takes many turns and sometimes leaving you motion sick.....but there are calms and there are moments you will grow in ways you wouldn't have. As hard as it is, divorce can be the beginning of something you may not have chosen, but are deeply grateful for when you look back.
Best wishes! Cover your fanny......take care of you.......take care of your kids.
The lawyer I am seeing had us put in every other weekend and every other holiday. Even though his job won't allow that pr pur location even the lawyer said if it was in their then we wouldn't have to worry about it later. We did add that since he is far away he must atleast give a 24 hour notice for weekend visits and For his 2 weeks every summer he has to give me 30 days notice and written notice if he is taking them out of state. He is in the Army so the kids will continue to have fll military health ins and he willpay the dental plan and 50 % of the co pay. We also put in that he will continue to pay child support as long as the kids are in school including college. It is also in there that with his pay increases so will the child support.
As far as the seperation it is what the Jag lawyer said needed to be done first because with it he has to give me 700 a month as long as I live in housing. I am the filing for the divorce and will do so right before he comes in May. The seperation agreement is to protect me in the mean time because the military protects the spouse(me). Even if the divorce isn't final with this agreement in place I can move in June and the child support will automatically go up the the amount specified by Ga.
As far as him being fair he is feeling guilty about the kids and what this is doing to them. He wants there lifes to say as much the same as possible. He is moving into the brracks there for doesn't need furnishings. As for the car he is doing that for them too because I will need transportation to take care of them. Plus he wants the car with the lower payment because his 73 firebird is his baby.
You sound like you've got things under control and spelled out good. It sounds like you've had a good attorney. I've heard that in the military they take care of the families. I pray all goes well for you and you can move forward through what you have to emotionally. The paperwork is just paperwork, now you have to heal your heart and that seems to take more time and isn't so cut and dry.
Best of luck and don't hesitate to ask questions here there are some knowledgeable people who have walked the same path. :)
Take care of you and your kids.