New Here. AM I Crazy?
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| Fri, 04-11-2008 - 4:41pm |
We have been married almost 4 years...in couples therapy for 6 months.
I just need some validation, if I deserve it.
Our last couples session centered around my trust issues before I came into the marriage. Valid enough. But I believe that it is my Husband that has destroyed my trust...for the reasons listed below.
But, If I am over-reacting, ladies..please let me know!!!
I appreciate exploring my “trust” issues…issues that I may have brought with me to the relationship.
However, I felt as though we did not explore why I have trust issues with my husband, specifically.
I want to say that when I agreed to marry him, I trusted him very well. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t. He really presented himself “verbally” as a very , evenly overly now that I look back, straight and narrow kind of guy. He would regularly say things like “ I don’t want to go to a strip club with my buddies.” And criticize men for doing such things…Samr for the topics of drinking and adultery and even pornography. These comments were unsolicited by me nor do I believe I set up the expectation that Chris should have to say these things. He was just pretending to be the good little catholic boy he thought he should be. Truth is, I believed all along that men weren’t bad for having those desires and that Chris shouldn’t criticize his friends for those habits.
Then after getting married, It turns out Chris is normal and all of that fluff talk was lies. I dunno why he felt like he had to tell them in the first place. I mean, I repeatedly asked him about porn the two weeks before we got married. I felt like these were things we should discuss before the aisle and he lied all 600 miles to New Orleans.
Then, Imagine my surprise when we are in the French Quarter and he wants us to go into a strip club….after hearing a years worth of him putting his friends down for doing it and giving me the “I’m not that kind of a guy” talk…To me, it all seems weird.
Then for hi Batchelor party, He told his sister and her husband that he didn’t want to go to a strip club and when noone took him to one, he complained to me later. And, I was surprised too that noone did. I mean, they did it for all his buddies. But when you tell everybody that you don’t want it..what are you supposed to expect.
Then, the night we got married, he finally fessed up to his daily porn habit. After lying about it for weeks. After I had approached the topic very openly and nicely multiple times bc I was pretty sure he was doing it.
And also for trust, I can’t trust him with the motorcycle but he does obviously stupid and dangerous things with it. Like loading it onto and off of a truck by himself. It is a 900lb Harley. He weighs 170 on a heavy day. DId I mention we have a two year old daughter.
I was so hurt in this relationship bc I did trust him when I went into it. I thought I had the sweet guy that could be trusted. To the point of ignoring obvious signs…and questioning myself and believing him when he lied and believing him when he was trying to convince me that his lying was my fault. I discovered that I had a guy who presented one way and acted very much a different way…a sneaky way even and a deceitful way too. When given multiple opportunities to tell the truth in a nonhostile environment, he didn’t.
I didn’t go looking for reasons not to trust him. I was genuinely surprised each and every time.
I mean last week, he told me how he and his married buddies over lunch had discussed “cheating” on their wives and they all admitted that they would want to but wouldn’t want to deal with the guilt/backlash. Chris was actually stupid enough to tell me about that conversation.
Am I off base here, Ladies? Gents?

OMG!
It's okay to jump...you have wings!
To move forward...you have to stop looking back.
lissy
Sure.
It's okay to jump...you have wings!
To move forward...you have to stop looking back.