New here and considering divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
New here and considering divorce
9
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 5:26pm

Hi everyone,

I've been married 12 years, has one 5 year old DS, and contemplating divorce. The problems in my M started when the baby arrived. Since that time, I had marked 18 years as the time when I can leave, for the sake of my child. I have come to realize, however, that this timeline is neither good for myself nor my son. My H is a good man, but over the years of turmoil, I have lost my love for him. I can safely say that I do not love him anymore, that I do not feel that I need him in my life, nor can I see me growing old with him. I had three talks with him last year, each escalating in seriousness. The first one was our marriage is in trouble (zero affection, zero communication). The second one was I think I don't love you anymore (Is love like a plant, if watered, will grow? Or once it's gone, it's gone?). Third talk was I don't love you anymore, I want us to go to counseling, and I will be looking to get out of the M if it doesn't work. Now I really headed toward the direction of divorce and not even wanting to try MC. I feel like MC won't help coz all it would do is to address symptoms. I feel the issue lies with me, that I am a different person from the 23 year old girl, and that H will not be able to change himself (not that I would want him to) to fulfill the me that I am now. I also feel that even if MC helps this time around, and we're okay another year or two, I'd be back at the same state of unhappiness/discontent that I am in now. But how do I reconcile to myself that I'm making the right decision? As I said, H is a good man but we do not connect at all anymore, we're like roommates co-existing, sometimes harmoniously, sometimes tip-toeing around eggshells so as not to make the other one pissy. We also have built a good life together. We both earn a good living, own a house, take nice vacations, put away for retirement. So do I throw away all that and start over again? I know the only one who can answer this question is me. But if anyone has been through a similar situation, I would appreciate any insights.

The second issue is DS. From reading and talking to people, it appears to me that divorce at age 5 would be far easier than any other later age. I love him very much and he is very attached to me. He loves his father too, but is not as bonded with him. That's another thing I'm disappointed in H about -- while he loves DS, he's not the kind of father I thought he would be. So I almost feel like the sooner I go thru D, the easier it would be for him to adjust. If I wait, the more he will understand and perhaps blame/hate me.

And now comes the issue of D itself. What logistical steps or research should I do prior to telling H. I'm not sure how he will react. H has always been the one in charge of all our finances. Everything is held jointly, but I have no clue about which which banks, passwords, brokerage, etc. I don't know if he will be reasonable or turn nasty. If he turns nasty, then I will have no money of my own. Together, we have good assets. Should I take out half of the joint savings, and open my own account? I fear doing that would only piss him off (and probably rightly so) and set the stage for battle.

And lastly, but definitely not the least, is the custody issue. I know DS will end up with me most of the time. I have no family support in my area and know it will be difficult, but I'm ready to face that. H has said that if I go down the D route, he will likely look for a job overseas. I expressed that I don't understand why he would choose to remove himself from DS' daily life, but I would accept his decision. I would like to suggest to H that we have shared custody (in a way, to force the situation on H to continue a close relationship to DS) but if he does move away from the area, then change to me having full custody. Is this realistic or something I should not even consider?

At this time, I am weeks away from telling H. I am just not sure how to bring it up. I guess I'm biding my time for our next fight to enunciate the point, doing a little research, reading relationship books, to try to get more clarity.

Sorry for the long novel for a relatively common problem. Thanks for reading, and I would be grateful for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 6:17pm

I, like you, stayed in my marriage for the sake of our son. Now, I realize I let too many years slip away in a very unhappy relationship. My biggest regret is that we didn't divorce sooner. We first separated when our son way eight. We tried to reconcile, but it didn't work. He is now 11, and the divorce will be final shortly. It would have been A LOT easier for him to adjust three years ago, but I thought I was doing the right thing by giving the marriage another chance.

In some cases, MC does work. With my attempts with STBX, things would go along well for a while, but we would always end up back where we were. I think you know in your heart the marriage is over. Most of us know that, but we are held back by concern and worry for our children, finances, future, etc.

Before you make a move, consult with an attorney. Bring the questions you have along with you. Most will provide a free or low-cost initial consultation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 7:50pm
I'm sorry you find yourself in this sutiation. I can't give you any advice on your feeling about the marriage. I'm on the other end. My stbx gave me the very reason you stated for wanting to leave being that he doesn't "love" me the way you should love a wife anymore. I can however tell you that I wish he had done this when my son was 5. My middle DD is 5 and is handleing things so well. My son is 7 and has started having nightmares, uncontrolable fits of rage, ect all due to the fact that he's so a mad at stbx for what he is doing. If you know that there is no chance of reconciling don't draw it out any longer then you have to. For your sons sake, do it while he is still at an age where he won't understand as much. I wish you luck! Hope to hear from you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 12:42pm

justice and dcs.... thank you very much for sharing your experience. They are exactly what I hoped or feared to hear.

I had a talk with H last night and told him where I am at. I think we are nearing the end. It's sad and bittersweet that I'm finally taking this step which I had been thinking about and wanted for a long time. Yet, I'm sad. And there's also that niggling doubt in the back of my mind whether I'm doing the right thing.

If anyone else has thoughts or advice, especially about the custody question, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:25pm
You are very courageous to make the move to D. I need to get the courage to end our M but I have too much guilt because H is trying to change...he is a liar, cheater, gambler & thief but overall he is a good person. In my heart, I know it's over b/c I'm not the same 23 year old he met 7 years ago. I have more self confidence and self respect and know I don't need him to survive. I think I married him b/c I thought it was time to start a family and thought he was the right guy. I was naive and willing to accept his lies. I've never trusted him from the beginning so we don't have much of a foundation. He said he's ready to accept what I decide to do but I don't know how to say that I'm done. I said I want to try but I think I'm just going thru the motions. I think it's my responsibility as a wife to try if the H is willing to change. I need to get over that. One of my biggest fears is losing custody of son who is almost 5. I talked with a lawyer already and she said it depends on the law in the state but here its a no fault state meaning any D will be granted. The law is only suppose to look at who is the primary caregiver, what your work schedules are and not the faults of the person. I don't have much advice for you but to find a good lawyer and tell her everything about the money and ask all your questions. But if you have any advice for me since my mom is all for me staying in the M I would love it. Good luck and I hope to be in your position one day soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:51pm
I was going to tell you about a book I started reading called Not My Mothers Divorce. This book focuses on young women without children divorcing but I found some of their info useful to me. Might want to give it a peek.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 1:39pm

mcm,

Thanks for your reply. I'm not courageous. If I were, I would have addressed the issue much earlier than this. Even now that I think I know in my heart that it is the end, I've been filled with doubts since yesterday (the day after the talk) because it is hitting home that this is either the last or second to the last gate I walk thru before filing. I am self-confident and know I can be self-reliant for me and my son, but I am afraid of making the wrong decision and throwing away a good man, tearing apart my son's parental unit, and all that we have built together.

I too have been going through the motions. H even saw thru that and said so the other night, that I've just been ticking off the checklist of what I think I should do to "try" without really doing so. I am still in this mode, and started listening to Dr. Phil's book called "Relationship Rescue". I would have been skeptical of Dr. Phil as a celebrity, but I really like it so far. If anything over the last year has made me take a deeper look, it is this book. I am only about a fourth of the way through the book, but I like it because he approaches the rescue as evaluating and coming from within oneself first, rather than blaming the partner or past events. I don't know where this book would lead, but I am welcoming the introspection to gain insights into love relationships as a whole, myself, our relationship and hopefully if I'm making the right decision. I wish I had read the book six months ago when I was more willing to work on the M, as opposed to now when it's a last-ditch, going-thru-the-motions, effort when I really don't feel like trying anymore. I am also very conscious, rightly or wrongly, of my son's age as a looming deadline.

As for your situation, I really wish you the best whatever you eventually decide. Firstly, I would say evaluate your M and your H and determine if you want to really try. If you think there is enough there for you to want to give it a last shot, then I say give it a good effort so you don't regret the decision. I would recommend you reading Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. But If you KNOW that the M is not salvageable, or just that you don't want to even try coz you married the wrong man or whatever reasons you may have, then I say go for it and don't look back. Putting it off is not going to help anything. I've been in that position very recently and I was willing to wait it out another six months or so, for no good reason, just because there's no rush. But as the previous two posters said, if you're absolutely certain, then it will be better for your son to do it soon. You should not worry about what your mom or anyone else thinks (I know, easier said than done). It's your life and your happiness and you are the one that matters. Just because he is willing to change is not enough reason to say, in my opinion. It would have to really depend on you. Do you think you will be happy staying with him if he did change? In my situation, I know that there is nothing H can do to make me want to stay, "I" have to want to stay in order to rebuild our M.

Sorry if I'm not making much sense. I wish you and your son the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:06pm
Do you think this book will change your decision to leave and make you want to stay to work on the marriage? I have the book at home but not the workbook. Maybe I will take a look at it tonight. Please let me know how you are doing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:17pm
Ironically, my stbx bought Relationship Rescue for me as a birthday present in October. AFTER he had already decided he didn't want to work on our marriage. I have been reading it and think it is a great book weither your marriage is salvagable or not. I haven't finished it yet but it has given me a lot of insight about myself and the way I have handled things in my marriage. I know it will have a big influince on how I approach any new relationship, if any happen to come along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:19pm

I love that book!.... and as Dr. Phil says, the first 7 or 8 chapters (I can't remember exactly now) are all about your relationship with yourself!


I, too, think it's just a good book to have read that can only enhance the person who's willing to read it and put it's ideas to use.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~