New here and have some questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
New here and have some questions
6
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:01am

Well, I am very new to this board. I retained an attorney Tuesday. My husband is very controlling and has been very verbally and emotionally abusive during our 16 year marriage. Things are not improving - they are getting worse day by day -- he is even asking me where I went 'cause my gas gauge was down from that morning!

He has not been served papers yet. He keeps telling me that he can't afford a divorce and that while our family is extremely dysfunctional it's still a family. I realize that this is part of the emotional roller coaster he has had me on for years. I have an 11 year old son that is beginning to show the effects of the stress in the house.

I have not worked in 13 years, so trying to get back into the workforce is not easy. I do not have a college degree -- I worked and put him through school and then was a stay at home mom.

Husband now says he's willing to do marriage counseling. I tried to get him to do this years ago, but he wasn't interested. I have told him for the past year that he needed to go to an anger management class -- he hasn't and won't -- says he doesn't have a problem. I realize that I'm being "too nice" but I don't want to destroy anyone.

I need out - I realize that -- i just wish I could snap my fingers and have this whole thing overwith. I am going to call my attorney Monday and have her go ahead and serve him the papers -- once they're served I think things will be easier. He says that we can live in the house together until the divorce is final. Is this a good idea?

My attorney is a shark. My dad retained her so I would have a lawyer look after ME and make sure my son and I would be well taken care of. Of course, the husband is ticked about that -- asked if my parents would retain an attorney for him!

If you've made it this far, bless you -- I'm just really emotionally confused and need to talk to someone. None of my friends are divorced, so no one close to me really understands what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 3:55am

Cheri - i am ALMOST (yippe!) divorced from a very verbally & emotionally abusive man. I ABSOLUTELY encourage you to NOT live in the house with him during this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:30pm

Thank you so much for your response. I think I just needed someone to give me that kick in the pants to proceed with the proceedings. I, too, wish everyone could afford a good attorney to look after them. Mine is fantastic. I am an only child, adopted too, and my parents are extremely protective of me -- which is good in someways, other ways it drives me nuts - lol. I honestly think my attorney eats testicles for breakfast (if that offends anyone - I am sorry)

My husband has been very emotionally and verbally abusive towards my son also. My son, who is 11, is to the point that when he hears the garage door go up, he says -- oh no he's home. The thought of living on my own scares the daylights out of me.

Again, thanks for your response. I'm going to call my attorney and tell her to proceed with everything tomorrow morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 3:17pm

hi and hugs... i also left an abusive and controlling man two years ago. my ex was/is not physically violent - he is too drugged out on tranquilzers to get violent - but you never know. i tried to get him to go to therapy - in fact we WENT to therapy , but he just WENT and didn't really participate, and at some point he stopped going "cause he didnt' need it".


i tried to talk to him about getting divorced, tried to sit down and work out an agreement etc - he refused to do anything about it. all he would say were things like "first YOU have to do XY or Z and then i will be willing to CONSIDER discussing this". things like that. at some point he was on a 'business trip' and so i filed for divorce,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 9:16pm

Wow -- Isn't amazing that when we think we're alone, there are so many people going through the same thing(s)? My husband had/has my self-esteem terrible. You know the normal stuff -- If I was better in bed, etc. I have put up with this so long and am so sick of it, but I have days where I wonder what will happen when it's icy - how will I get to work, and when I'm sick - who will take care of me? Some of this just scares me to death.

I also hate to admit this, but I had (had) a miscarriage about 2 1/2 years ago - husband didn't comfort me nor did he touch me for 7 months. I went online and found a man and had an affair. It was the best thing self-esteem wise that I could have done. I know morally it was terrible, but I needed to feel like a woman again. I did tell husband about it -- he didn't get mad -- told me he was sorry -- if he'd been a better husband it wouldn't have happened - yada yada

Throughout the marriage I have been the one who apologizes for everything. If I wanted him to speak, I had to apologize, grovel whatever.

If I could just get out of the marriage with no more stress than I already have, life would be wonderful.

I see a therapist, am on Xanax, Prozac among others. I am making an appt for my son to start seeing a therapist. I think it will help him.

Wish me luck girls -- calling the attorney in the morning to get the ball rolling!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:59pm

hey honey---- reality check time: you say <<<>> but then you say <<<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 12:42am

Thanks for the pick me up. I realize that no one can make me happy but me. I did tell him that he would be served with papers in the next couple of days. Of course he "wants" to be married, yet everything in our marriage has been all my fault, etc. Just when I thought he was going to say something nice, he turns back into a jacka**. I am on a rollercoaster ride and need to get off.

The attorney has started proceedings. Wish me luck - I never ever thought getting a divorce would be this difficult. It is like something has died inside me. I can't stop crying - he's playing emotional games with me and I just want to go scream -- I may have to go out in a field and scream tomorrow - LOL