New Here and Needing Wisdom

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
New Here and Needing Wisdom
8
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 10:07am
Wondering if anyone has advice for this situation. Filed for divorce February of 2006, separated since June of last year and still waiting for divorce to be final as the soon2B ex will not agree on ANYTHING to bring this to a conclusion. It could be another 3 to 6 months. And believe it or not, there are no kids. This is all financial. Could there be anything dumber than hanging on in this situation? But it's everyone can see it's his way of punishing me for leaving him. (did I mention the drug, drinking and gambling problems he had?)
So how do I "move on" when it's not over? We were married for 10 years and had no kids (which according to everyone else is "good news" but now I suspect I will never have the famly I was hoping to have with him). Work and friends are both great but after almost a year of living alone and feeling I can't date because I am still "married" it's getting more and more difficult to believe that there is a bigger brighter future out there. No kids, no husband and oh by the way his family was "my family" so no family to speak of either. But glad to be here :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 11:32am
Usually if some one will not agree to terms, it is to hold on to the past. If you want out bad enough you can make it happen. Not a put down, just a fact. What is your lawyer saying? The longer this goes on the more you are paying your attorney. Is it worth it?
If someone is using, I would think it would be pretty easy for you to get a divorce. Maybe you need a new attorney.
You will move on. Just give it time. There are many ways you can have a family. If you are young enough, adoption, with a guy who already has children, foster care, many, many ways.
Try to think of this as away to discover who you are. It's hard at first to be alone. But it gets easier. I don't see anything wrong with you going out, doesn't mean you have to jump into a relationship. Just check out whats out there. Kinda like window shopping. LOL Good luck. When one door closes, another one opens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 11:28am

True -- if I wanted to give him everything we own, I supposed I could get out. But even the mediator advised me to be patient and go to court. I am not paying the attorney anything at the moment, just waiting (and waiting)for a court date. The attorney is great. She has done anything and everything to keep my fees down.

As for the 'family' thing, late 40s is starting to feel to old to still want so badly to have a family but it doesn't go away, it's still there. But by the time I get out of this, meet someone and start over, I just don't know......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 5:37pm
Don't be sad. There is plenty of time for you to have a family. Raising kids alone is hard but, it is done all the time. There are so many kids nowdays that need a secure home. So many that have lost parents to drugs. When you have a kid, you have a family. There are all kinds of ways to have children. Mine are grown. But they are still my family.
Just take one step at a time. Things have a way of working out. Divorce is one of the hardest things I went through. But it was the best thing for my children and me. Have you ever thought of Foster Parenting?
Sorry your divorce is taking so long. Hang in there, you will be okay. I was with an alcoholic and drug abuser. His ex wife showed up and had drugs. Things ended really fast. Then he died. Our son carried a message to him from me when he was on his death bed. Son was an adult. I did forgive him.
Drugs are the worst mistress there is. There is no fighting back. All you can do is move on. Life is to short.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 10:02pm
I am a) scared of foster parenting. Not sure I am equipped to handle the emotional problems that someone else created AND b) have a hard time seeing myself as a single parent because of my work. I travel a lot so it seems to me in my situation there would need to be two parents so one of us could agree to stay home, I don't care who that is. I just think if there are going to be kids in a home, if at all possible, someone should be home for them. I guess it's the way I was raised....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 6:56am

Hi Spike,

My divorce took forever too because the x wouldn't cooperate on anything. Mine almost went to trial, but fortunately his attorney talked some sense in to him. It was frustrating feeling that my life was on hold, but eventually it all works out.

Right now you are feeling like you missed out on things because of him, but just be patient and it will be over soon. You then will be able to move on and go from there.

Hang in there,

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 7:23pm
I don't blame you for wanting someone home with a child. Who knows maybe one of these days you will meet someone who has a child or two. Life has a funny way of working things out. There are alot of Foster kids out there of all ages. Little babies to older kids. From what I have heard it is because of crack. Myself, I wish I could take about 100 of them. I always wanted alot of kids. Raised alot. My own, my little brother, grandkids, other peoples kids. The joke in my family is, that they will probably have to amputate a kid from my hip when I die. You still have alot of life to live. You will be just fine. You have a kind heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:16am
It seems to be the only advice there is "hang in there and be patient".....but don't there have to be limits? I am definitely feeling I missed out on lots of things, like the life and family I thought I was signing up for instead of the loneliness and inability to see the future that I seem to be dealing with at the moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:20am
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I know things will get better, I just can't seem to see how or when. And can't understand why crack moms have kids and I never did? One of those things in life that never makes any sense.
Just spent two days with the ex's family for a graduation and they are so good to me it helps but there is the "elephant in the room" of my ex that we just don't talk about....
If I can't just get about 4,000 more people to tell me "it will all work out", I think I'll be okay...