New here and in shock

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
New here and in shock
13
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 5:41pm

I am new here - and I have to say I never thought I would need a board like this one. My husband and I have been married for nearly 18 years and have three small children. A few days ago he announced to me that he no longer loves me and doesn't want to be married to me. Furthermore - he doesn't know that he ever *really* loved me at all. He says he has not been sexually attracted to me for some time. He evidently had an affair recently (not sure if it is still going on). This is all news to me. I feel like such a fool. We seemed happy together - I was happy. We had sex regularly (especially if he wasn't attracted to me, it is amazing he continued to initiate sex 2-3 times per week). He never mentioned a word about issues with my appearance, etc. We didn't have an argument related to any of the things he had to say to me. He just laid it out there. He was my best friend as well as my husband. I have never been alone in my entire adult life (we married very young). I have no idea how to move forward or what is going to happen next. For now he is staying in the house (not in my bedroom - clearly). I am having such a hard time with my emotions. I feel like my world has just ended.


I apologize for having such a long post but for those of you who have been where I am - please tell me the pain does end? tell me things are going to get better (they have to right? I can't imagine living with this pain for very long).


I am certain we are headed for divorce - he has not left the door open at all for any kind of counseling (except maybe parental focused). I know I need to (somehow) accept this and move on and I am sure I eventually will be able to do this (how long will I feel this way?).


I want to have an 'amicable' divorce - if that is possible. I would even like to be friends with him some day (but I love him too much to think about that as a reality in the near future).


Has anyone had a friendly divorce? does it exist? am I being naive?


I think that is enough for one post LOL. Please someone who has been there - I would really like to hear your thoughts on these questions.


HurtnLost

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 6:13pm

Yes, there is such a thing as a friendly divorce.

 

 

 

 

 

******************************************* “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 7:03pm
I also just found out about my husband's infidelity, and am devastated because it took me by surprise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 8:20pm
Just know you're not alone. I'm going through it as well. Plus, I've been
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 9:23pm

Thank you for replying. It makes me feel a little bit better to know that I am not alone and I am not the first person this has ever happened to. I still can't believe this is happening to me. I actually went to see a counselor today and will go again next week. My husband went to see someone a few days ago too but isn't going to go back because he doesn't need it (says he has it all figured out). Whatever - he has had months (who knows how long) to think about all this - it is still very fresh to me. Plus - his attitude makes me think the other woman is still very much involved.

While waiting for one of my children to get ready for bed tonight, I wandered into the closet and when I saw all his shirts hanging there - it just made me ache for him. I wish I wasn't still in love with him. It would make things so much easier.

He was very friendly when he came home from work tonight. I am trying to keep my emotions away from my interactions with him so that I will have some chance of maintaining friendship with him. I don't think yelling at him or crying in front of him is going to change anything in terms of his feelings anyway. I have been reaching out to my friends for extra support and try to keep my crying off his radar. Is this pathetic? What I really want to do (but will not do!) is beg him to stay.

Delicateviolet - I can't imagine going through this as a stay at home mom. I am so sorry.

Thanks again for your support.
HurtNLost

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 11:59pm

Dear hurtnlost,

I know it feels like the end of the world. But have faith. Everything always work out for the highest good of all concerned. Gael Chiarella is giving a free teleconference/webcast this Saturday March 8th at 1:00pm EST on this topic. Go to www.FromDivorceToLoveForce.com for more details. I also recommend you reading "It's a Guy Thing" by David Deida and "Lasting Love" by Gay Hendricks. You have the power to have a committed, loving marriage. Whether it's with your current husband remains to be seen. It is important you focus on bringing yourself to a place of feeling lovable, repeat... FEELING lovable. That's the law of attraction. Love to you!!!

LoveForce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 4:49pm

hi,


I am so sorry you are going through this, men can be so heartless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 6:22pm

Thanks for responding - it just helps me so much to hear other people have been where I am.
He is 38 - a little too young for a mid life crisis - wouldn't you think?
(my first thought was that it was just a midlife crisis, so was my counselor's).

BTW - we told the kids.. and it was not a good reaction (which is not surprising). We simply told them we were divorcing and that the reason was an adult issue and not their business but that it wasn't anything related to them. They were quite upset - my oldest (without even knowing who instigated the divorce) said to me 'I don't like anyone hurting you'. I am just going to try to be as strong as I can for them (and for myself).

On the plus side, I have been reaching out to my friends (normally I am one to try to solve all my problems myself) and I am proud of that.

Thanks again. It helps to share these feelings.

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 10:48pm
I am very sorry that this is happening to you. I am a betrayed wife. My H never came home when he had his affair. And was never very nice about things either. He had once been my best friend too. I went to therapy quite a while. He refused to go when he was told by the therapist there was a problem. He and the OW were like partners in crime. The heck with a wonderful family of five. You don't really get answers and it hurts. Take care of yourself. Do not let him take advantage of you. I remembered what it was like to kiss my H for the longest time. Kind of unreal to let it all go down the drain. You love them and you want them to be happy. (But not with someone else) As time goes on, I have to wonder is it really so important the father stays in the children's life. I kept him in ours but its actually painful. A constant reminder of tragedy, failure, disrespect. Kind of outweighs the beauty of the once loving relationship.
who are these people that don't think? love?
Thank goodness for boards like this. We need support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 3:08pm

So glad to hear you are seeing a counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:11pm
I've been married for 21 years and am going thru a divorce also.

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