new here, any advice for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
new here, any advice for me?
7
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 11:59pm

I am a middle aged lady struggling to survive the end of a 30 year marriage....my self esteem is in the minus colume and I have gained 30 pounds in the year since I left home. My husband was an emotionally abusive heavy drinker and although it was hard to walk away, it was impossible to stay any longer. I moved away from the tiny town we lived in back to the town I grew up in...but reconnecting to my past and old friends after 30 yrs is so hard and I spend my time either at work or alone. Any attempts at dating have been a disaster and I feel like my husband got custody of our friends since I moved over an hrs drive away. I went to counselling for awhile...I didn't feel any better and so I took a break from it. My son is grown and newly married. He needs the space to build his own life...he does not live close by and I see him about once a month. I am confused and incredibly lonely. Are there groups on here for women my age going thru divorce? Sharing with friends on line would help so much. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks
soft

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 5:58am


They have the 40's and fabulous board.

Are there any divorce support groups in your area? I would look into that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:55am

I'm a middle-aged woman living alone after 23 years of marriage. It's not easy, but I'm staying in our tiny town and my EX is very much a huge presence around here. I wish I could have done what you did, but my parents and my sister and family are all here -- to say nothing of my job.

I found a support group in DivorceCare.com It's usually run by churches and has a Christian background -- I just like to let people know that because some people don't want that perspective. I went through the course twice and then started facilitating the group. I didn't make many new friends, but I did get a fresh outlook on my life.

Also, on yahoogroups there is a women's only e-mail support group called Picket Fences -- I enjoy their ideas from all different stages on this walk.

Edie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 12:32pm

hi there and welcome.


I am 45 - is that middle aged? lol


I am divorced twice and happy. of course, i would be happy if i were married or in a secure relationship - but right now i am happy. my second marriage was h*ll. my ex is a very very abusive and controlling man - to other people he was a good guy - but i know the truth.


what helped me? my friends, learning to be honest and open with myself, and therapy. therapy is tricky- you need to find the right therapist and you need to be willing to do the work. If you were in an abusive marriage for so many years, then you DO need help. its not easy coming out of that.


other than that - if you are depressed - you may need some medications for short term. (I am not a great fan of meds but something they are needed). together with the therapy, it may help you to focus and begin to move forward. your son does need 'his' life --- and you need 'yours'. sometimes its hard to make that first step towards building a freindship - but sometimes its not too hard. maybe there is someone at work you could go with for coffee? or maybe join a gym? or some kind of hobby group? book club? volunteer? something "else"...


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:03pm

If you're feeling lonely and bored, do something new and exciting to you. Do something you have always loved or something you've never tried. Now that you are only responsible for yourself, you have the freedom to take a class, join a book discussion group, learn to knit/paint/play the piano, whatever. You'll meet new people here, you'll exercise your brain and learn and feel fulfilled. You'll have to take some action, though...they won't come knocking on your door!

Having the freedom to choose what to do with one's own time is a huge gift. Take advantage of it!

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 10:48pm

Hi softsmiles.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:41am

thank you , thank you, thank you.....all of these suggestions have been helpful but the greatest gift was knowing I am not alone. Actually, I joined the local gym last friday and I did volunteer this summer at the library, before a shift change at work changed that plan. I promise not to just sit on my butt and pout because something ended but try to rejoice because something new is beginning....Dr. Phil said something good today to a lady on his show...."You may be your own best kept secret" Lets see if thats true for me too...I may learn to invest in me and become my own new friend.

Thanks so much,
soft

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 8:08am

With that attitude... you're going to find everything you ever hoped for.... and more!


Good for you!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~