New here. Been seperated 6 months

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New here. Been seperated 6 months
3
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 5:40pm

Hi My name is Mindy (30). I have been seperated from my husband (39) for almost 7 months now. We have a 3 year old daughter. He was living with a girl (22) that he met at the bar he used to DJ at. I want my family to be together but I am just scared. His friend moved back to Illinois and he said he wants to take it slow and see what happens. The thing that really gets me is if he wants to take it slow and see what happens he needs to quit talking to her. I don't know what to believe with him anymore. I want my family together but I am tired of the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for 6-7 months. What advice can anyone give I am willing to listen to anything. We have been together 7 years and married for 5 years.

Mindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 7:16pm

Hugs to you.


I know this is hard.


I have to tell you, at first my XH told me that he wanted to work things out and "take it slow" but he was still living with her. At the time he lied to me and told me that they were not dating. Then he fessed up, told me that they were, then a few months later he was calling me telling me that things were not working out between them and he wanted to leave her. I filed for divorce shortly after that and now they are talking about having a baby together.


We all go through what you are going through. The rollercoaster can sometimes make us nuts. I know first hand what it is like to become someone else because all you want is your family back. I used to beg and plea and I would literally do anything he asked. I believed everything he told me.


Then I took a step back and looked at what he was saying. I started listening to my gut and realizing what I wanted. I missed being married. I didnt miss him, I could never forgive him for leaving me pregnant and for leaving our 5 year old. Especially knowing that he lied to me about his relationship with OW. I would never trust him and I realized that without trust I don't have love.... that lead me to the decision to mentally, emotionally and physically move on.


There comes a point when you have to do what is right for you. Yes, you miss him. Yes you "love" the person you married, but that person doesn't love you back. If he did, he would have never gone elsewhere in your marriage. He would never hurt you or your son. It's time to think about YOU not him and your "family". You and your son are first and foremost. Would you want your son growing up with a mom who doesn't trust daddy and a daddy who will defend himself in arguments for what he has done everytime you ask where he has been? Even if you don't argue, kids know what's up.


I know the decision is hard, but it's time. Do what's right for YOU.


Hugs to you and good luck.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 7:20pm
Hi Mindy,
This is ONLY my opinion... I would run. Run fast and run far. My ex cheated, and swore he would never do it again, two years later I caught him again. I have been separated just over a year, and we are in the paperwork stage of our divorce.
If your ex says he wants to take it slow - how slow is seven years? Ruined by a 22 year old from a bar? Did that take a long time? No? I think he just wants to test the waters, keep you as an option and see if he can lure his playmate back (or attract another one). Especially since he is still talking to her!!! If he was committed to change and making a go of the marriage, he would be 100% committed. You don't need this pain all over again. Your child doesn't need this pain. He knew what he was doing when he betrayed you, when he left you, when he moved in with his floozy. He is being selfish. Of course you want your family to be together! We all do. But not with "extras" and not without love, honor and respect. He has no reason to want to go slow, he knows you, he has spent 7 years with you. You are not a stranger. You have done nothing (that I know of) to betray his trust. If anyone would want to go slow, it would be you, cautious after being hurt. But you know what you want. And if he isn't into it, he's just not that into you.
Walk away. Tell him to anty up or cash out.
JMHO.
L.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:12am

hi mindy and hugs. all i can say is that your marriage has been thru a very very rough crisis. you can't just wish this away, and its not going to go away just because your husband wants to make it work. IF this marriage is going to work, you both need marital therapy, and possibly personal therapy as well. your husband is going to have to take responsiblity for what he did and you are goin gto have to learn to trust him again.