New here - dealing with ex's new wife
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| Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:22pm |
Hi - my name is Stephanie. I am new here. I have been divorced for five years now. I have one son. My ex-husband has remarried and has two kids with the new wife. One was hers from another marriage, the other is from theirs.
So here's my problem. When my ex calls my son, sometimes his wife gets on the phone. My son puts them on speaker phone, so I usually hear the conversation. They live far away so she has only met my son once. She is so SICKENINGLY sweet with him that it makes me want to hurl! What is troubling is that I just know, somewhere at a gut level, that she is doing this mostly to get some kind of reaction from me.
Yesterday's comment from her to my son was "Do you know what I want for Christmas?" (you might want to reach for the nearest bucket before reading on) My son answered no, so she told him "I just want to see you and be with you!" Yech!!!! She tells him that she loves him so much, that she can't wait to be near him and give him a big bear hug (no joke), that he is so special to her, that when he is with her she is going to spoil him, etc. Bear in mind she has met my son ONCE. The whole thing often leaves my son litterally speechless (he's seven). He is not being hurt by her behaviour, but it is bewildering at times, I think. I don't believe he knows what to make of this woman!
Nothing in this world could ever convince me that anyone, ever, could take my place with my son. It's not about that. It just feels disrespectful to have this woman calling my house and acting like my son's mother (to the power of ten thousand!) Am I petty? I know it's better than her acting hatefully towards him, but come on, there are limits! How would she like me to call her daughter and say these kinds of things? I have met her once, too!! LOL
Somebody please help me to laugh at this woman before I end up doing something rash next time she calls! Any advice for me?
Thanks.
Stephanie

no, you're not being petty -- we can't help the way we feel.
however, you don't need to hear it. have your son take the phone off of the speaker. it's his conversation. don't ask questions other than -- did you have a good conversation?
put it in perspective. she's only seen him once. she's not hurting him. to him the conversation is probably just odd. you're probably right. she probably is talking to him this way for your benefit. but who cares? she sounds juvenile. you're not -- so let it go.
I am on the other side of the coin. I am divorced after a 29 year marriage. After going through 15 years of fertility treatments and all of the heartache of not having children, we were finally blessed with 3 wonderful boys. When we separated, my husband would agree to nothing less than a 50-50% living arrangment split in spite of what professional counselors, psychologists and educators who all knew our sons recommended (2 of them have learning disabilities). The court mediator (a disinterested lawyer) announced that the split would be in the best interest of the kids. So, I made the very painful decision of leaving them with him as the full time custodial parent.
While I am a working professional (college professor) my income is not all that great. I was not able to meet the formula's child support amounts, so in lieu of that I opted to not touch my ex-'s retirement funds. To make up for a lack of retirement savings, I had to relocate to another university 250 miles away where the benefit package and retirement package was much better.
I still see my boys every other weekend and talk with them on the phone several times a week. My problem is now that the ex- is getting remarried to a school teacher who is childless and 10 years younger than me,who always wanted kids and sees herself moving right into a well-to-do community with a ready made family. I am resentful that another woman is moving into the parenting role that I longed for many years to have. While I never expected teh ex to be a monk, I find myself very bitter about his new partner. How can I work through these feelings?
You have my sincerest sympathy. I have gone through some of these same emotions and it's really, really painful and difficult. It's very hard for me even though I live only a mile from my ex and we pretty much share possession. Being that far apart would make it even more difficult. My ex has flat out told me that he has replaced me with a better version. She's younger and childless also and jumping into "mothering" with real gusto. And that household has 4X the income that I do, plus the kids have no rules. It's a huge power struggle with Dad trying to manipulate the kids to prefer him over me.
Maybe some of the other first wives who have been in our spot will chime in with a solution. I haven't found one yet. All I hear is to "just get over it". Many of the second wives think we're upset because we're not "over the man" and jealous of her and him. I'm not, I'm jealous of her taking over my kids. I divorced a husband, not my children, but that's the way it feels sometimes.
I just try to keep myself very very busy while the kids are with their Dad and try to make the very best memories for me and my kids when we are together. I just hope she's going to start getting tired of doing all his work for him and back off a little one day soon. I'm so tired of her condescending attitude towards me that she somehow is better. He thinks so, but I don't.
I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your emotions. It does help me to vent on these boards and have my feelings validated by other women who have walked this same path. I hope you are pursuing some new interests or hobbies since you now have some time for yourself. Feel free to email through the profile if you'd like.
Warm wishes from cupcake
I am not in your position right now, but it is very likely I will be one day. My STBX makes ALOT more money than I do. So, when he finds someone new, I am sure they will have a nice life, house, vacations, etc. It does turn things into a power struggle.
I don't think this is something one just "gets over." You're really doing the best that you can, and I think you're dealing with the situation very well.
I don't think you're being petty at all!! He is YOUR son and some other woman is trying to be this huge part of his life, I'd be pissed too! I personally can't stand the thought of another 'mother' figure around my children. No on could take my place and I'm sure of that, however, you still are going to have those little insecurities when it comes to your kids. My mom has told me that if this is though for me just wait until my boys start dating and some woman wants to take him away from me! LOL Especially with boys, who are usually all about mom, it's tough to see another woman in their life. With my STBX's gf it's not a huge issue b/c he rarely sees them and from what I've heard she doesn' want him to see them b/c she's jealous of the boys and me. She's even trying to get him to move about 5 hours away even though it's not necessary for either of them to do so. Anyhow, b/c of this I can't really relate 100% to what's going on with you. However, I've told myself (we'll see how this works out though!lol) that if at any point she does want to have a relationship with them that it'll just be one more person to love and spoil them. At first I didn't want her within 10 miles of my boys, but now it's not a big deal anymore as long as the kids don't mind, but, she's also not calling my house.
I don't suppose there's anyway to have a coversation about this with your ex? I know if I did with mine he'd tell me I was nuts and to deal with it. However, like a PP said, you can ask your son not to put it on speaker phone. If he doesn't want to do that you can always just grab some good music and some headphones and play on the computer or whatever. Heck, I do that when my 2yo is throwing a tantrum (that way he knows he's not getting a response from me). It makes the screaming much easier to deal with b/c I can barely hear it. Same thing with her diabetic coma inducing voice/words....blech! I once overheard my ex checking his voicemail and there was a message from the gf on it. You wouldn't believe this chick!lol My STBX loved that I was not a 'girly girl', but this chick talks like she's been sucking on a tank of helium and it's 'I love you' this and 'I miss you' that (when she hasn't seen him for more than a couple of hours).
Okay, enough of my junk! If your son is uncomfortable with it then it does need to be toned down, in which case I would speak to one of the adults about it. Otherwise, just find ways that you don't have to listen to it. HTH! *hugs*
Thanks for the kind words, J&T. I appreciate the support.
Every week it's something new...some new conflict or competition. Now it's over Christmas gifts. My little one gave me a long Christmas wish list, of course I'll do a few things on it, but not go over board. Last night she said new wife went over the same list with her, saying now, tell (my name, not mommy) not to get you all of this, WE want to do your Christmas list. Back off B>>>! Call me Mommy to my kid! And quit trying to buy her affection! I didn't say a word to my little girl, though. Quite difficult to hold the tongue sometimes...
GRRR!!! And quit introducing yourselves as "DD's parents". Ex is, you're not.
Oh, and neither of them "cook" so they order takeout or go to restaurants most of the time. I, on the other hand, financially have to do the work of grocery shopping, cooking, doing the dishes, etc. I, on the other hand, am a good cook, care about nutrition and the kids do make special requests, I hope they appreciate what Mom does.
A whiney cupcake today.