New here, Do I take him on vacation?
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| Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:04pm |
HI I'm new here. This place seems like a great support system and a wonderful community of people.
My name is Anne, I am 28 and I am from Yorkville, Il (near Chicago). I have 3 children, Nick is 8, Kiersten is 6, and Bradley is almost 3. I had my H leave about 10 days ago. We have known each other since we were kids, been together for 10-11 years and been married 7 years. I've never dated anyone but him.
At first he refused to leave but finally did after about 48 hrs of pure torture. He does not want a divorce, I do. I have many stories of heartache that goes back 10-12 years of controlling, abusive and selfish irresponsible behavior that I shall spare all of you. His biggest problems are verbal/emotional abuse and he is addicted to computer games. I finally had enough self respect to say enough is enough after finding out he spent an obsene amount of money we didn't have on the game, two days b4 Christmas. I was forced to spend my savings before that because he wouldn't give me money for Christmas shopping. He has also been useless while my mom was sick in the hospital this past year and on Chrismtas Eve. AFter I asked him to leave he threated to burn the house down in front of our daughter and tried to hang himself with a belt in front of our youngest son.
AFter everything I feel bad and a little guilty, he says I haven't tried enough and am not willing to pursue counseling. We were separated twice before and was willing to 'TRY' then be he insisted nothing was wrong and he could change. I've been trying for 7 years, I am done. I understand this is him manipulating my feelings. I met with a couple lawyers and found one I really like.
We should have an 'uncomplicated' divorce since we have no property and not much in assets. I can stay in the house I am in. We all lived with my mom anyway. She has a large house she bought for all of us to live in together so he has no right to it. My kids and I can stay indefinatley.
I will probably get a pt job and I am about 30-40 hrs from getting my B.S. at NIU.
I can file anytime I want now but I have seemed to hit a wall. I know it is what I want and I know I can't go back but it is hard to go forward too. The hardest part is knowing how much he is hurting and doesn't want this. I know I am more than justified for my actions but I am having a hard time remembering this is a result of his actions not mine. I know I will be happier and eventually find some self worth.
How do I take care of this next step (filing for a divorce) and let go of my guilt etc??
Here is another big issue I was hoping someone would have some advice on....
A week from thursday my mom planned for all of us to go to Florida for a family function and to visit Disney world etc. She kindof thinks my H should go to get that "once in a lifetime expierence" with the kids but I say (and my friends agree) that he shouldn't go. How do I say I am filing for divorce and alow him to go on this vacation with us. If I allow him to go, it will only be for the kids.
How do I handle this???? I don't know the right thing to do.
I'm sorry if this sounds jumbled, but I am tired and I am trying to get it all out!
Help what do I do???
Anne....

Hi Anne, I'm Becka. To a certain extent, your stbx sounds like my ex--the verbal/emotional abuse, video games, etc. I've been divorced for 3 1/2 years now. I have a couple of questions for you to think about as you answer your dilemna. 1) Does he know you are wanting to file for divorce? 2) Would he be willing to give it his best shot for the two of you to get along for the duration of the trip?
That said, here's my thoughts: It would be nice if you could go on one last family vacation together before the childrens' stability crumbles. That way that might have a few good memories with their dad before everything gets stressful for everyone. However, if he will not be able to control himself (or his abusive treatment of you) then it would be best for him not to go. This needs to be a happy time for the kids--not a memory they would rather not have. If you do allow your h to go, I would sit down and have a very straightforward talk with him about his behavior on the trip. On the other hand, having him there may just confuse your children. Perhaps you should talk to a counselor about this as well. I believe your children might benefit from talking to someone outside of the situation as well.
Hope everything works out for you. Best wishes. Hugs and Prayers to you.
Becka
Thank You Becka, everything you said makes sense. I think he may be able to control himself for one week but only if he thought there was hope. He does know I am seeking a divorce and knows I have met with lawyers. He still wont leave me alone and is constantly begging to come home, saying he is different this time.
I think, however, If he would go knowing we were divorcing for sure (if I were to file this week or something) I am not sure if he would be civil with me. I have the option to stay in my mom's hotel room though. The kids need him even if he is not father of the year. I don't want to confuse them (I think my oldest might understand) and I don't want to confuse him.
I would like to talk to a counselor but I am literally broke and I have no access to our finances. Where could I go??? He was forced to go to one when his work found out about his "threats" etc and he keeps having the therapist call me but I would like to meet with someone independant of my STBX. Thanks for the advice, it is soooo appreciated.
Anne
Are the kids on any medicaid programs or any state issued insurance? If so, that usually covers it. If not, check into any local community centers that might have programs available. You'd be surprised at what is out there. Also check with the school counselor.
If your stbx is not going to be willing/able to be civil with you for the kids' sake, then I would not invite him to go. If that is the case, tell the kids that it is a special treat just for them. I would not jeopardize the fun they are going to have just to let their dad come along if he is going to make a show of himself.
Hope this helps.
Welcome. I am sorry you had to make this difficult decision. I hope all of you will some day flourish.
As for the vacation ... I would look at it from "what is best for the children." All my decisions about whether or not to include my spouse in future activities are going to be based on what is best for the kids.
We are meeting with a child psychologist at my insistence to make a parenting plan and one of the questions I will ask is about how much to do "together." If we want to have a positive co-parenting experience for the kids -- how does that play out? I don't know yet.
So, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you the standard I use -- the kid's best interests.
Also, I am interested to read your perspective. My h initiated our pending separation and divorce. I am hurting, but mostly because it destroys the life I wanted for my children (I am a sahm and wanted to stay one) and because it will hurt them tremendously and because they will simply not have the quality of life that would best serve them (in my opinion).
Unlike your h, I haven't engaged in any dramatics (except tears and anger the first night he told me he thought he wanted to divorce and more tears and anger in "marriage counseling" when he made final declaration and after we'd suffered through Christmas being polite and courteous and respectful). None of this has been in front of the kids.
All I can say is maybe use counseling to bring closure to the relationship and help you both shift to the roles of co-parent (because you will always have to deal with each other); it may help him and it may help you not feel so guilty. My h and I are *tentatively* pursuing that route. Additionally, you might want to use a child psychologist to help you work out a parenting plan -- helps to have a neutral 3rd party and expert in children/divorce, especially if you have concerns about your h's ability to parent independently (remember he will have the right to have the children overnight, etc).
Anyway, those are some thoughts from the "left" for the "leaver."
Stick around -- this is a very helpful board.
M
First of all... he wants you to feel guilty.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
UPDATE:
My Stbx is NOT going on the trip with us. I was sure I did not want him to go and had support on that from friends and family however my mom (she is super supportive of the divorce) just wanted the kids to experience Disney with their father too. Well she has a big heart. We have two rooms for the week so I offered him the opportunity to go while I would just stay in my mom's room and tell the kids after vacation about the divorce. He said ABSOLUTELY NOT. He was not willing to put aside our issues for the kids. I was not surprised at all. He said he didn't care if he sounded selfish he only wanted to go if I sleep in the same bed as him. (aka make him think there is a chance) He stormed out after promising to take the kids to McD, breaking that promise and insisted he will not go. He such an immature putz. I was willing to compromise all the progress I made so that he could have this experience w/the kids. I just feel bad for my babies. Oh well, We WILL HAVE A GREAT TIME anyway! I never needed his help with the kids, I have always been the only one to care for them so I'm not worried that I wont have his help. He never helped. Just thought I'd update and THANK YOU for all the advice, you are very caring and unselfish, it is refreshing.
ps...I have an appt monday w/my atty to file divorce ppwk officially.
This kids will have fun with or without him there, and if he's already breaking promises to them (to go to McD's), then they'll probably be more relaxed if he's not there because they won't be worried if they're really going to get to do something they're anticipating.
Sad... but true... and they will survive it.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~