new here... Don't Know If I Will Fit In?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
new here... Don't Know If I Will Fit In?
5
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:59am

Hi! I am a 26 year old single mom. I was with my son's father for three years, we were not married, but I feel like I am going through the same thing many of you are. But I don't know if this is exclusively for "divorcee's" or if I can join the ride?

Anyway, completely out of the blue back in February he decides he doesn't love me and he wants out of the relationship. It competely caught me off guard, b/c earlier that evening we were talking about where we would go on vacation this summer. It was very hard, it still is for me. I had to go back into therapy and get on anti-depressents. I was completely devestated. Each day/ week had gotten better. We went to court last week for custody, and ended up putting all that on hold, b/c he wants a paternity test done. So there is so much drama.

My therapist says that even though I still want this relationship to work and I am willing, he's not ready. I do believe that he loves me and wants to be a family. But something (I don't know what) has affected him. He is a great guy, a great dad, and I love him with all my heart. He says he is completely devestated by the loss of his mom five years ago and he has never gotten past her death. I bought this at first, but now I just see it as an excuse. So, it has been hard on me. But I do know that we have to raise our son together, and do it amlicably, otherwise, our son will suffer.

I do admit I get jealous when I hear him on the phone, and I find myself questioning who he is talking to. When or if the time comes that he will start dating someone else, I don't know what I will do. Just thinking about it upsets me.

My therapist says I just need to stop blaming him and stop making him feel guilty for our relationship not working and just keep taking it day by day. I really want us to work out, and I wish I could know what the future will bring..... but since I'm not a fortune teller, I guess I will just have to continue what I have been doing. Anyone ever gotten back with their ex and it works??? Anything I can do to make our relationship come back together any faster? ( i know, that's a dumb question...)

Thanks for listening!

~K

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 2:05pm

You will fit right in, glad you found the board!

I think the best thing you can do (other than keep going to therapy) is to just take care of yourself and your son, and interact with him when it comes to your son's best interests. If he comes back to you, it will be because he see's you are happy and healthy and moving foward with your life, and he'll fall in love with you again. If he doesn't, it's because you are going to be better off in the future (even though it doesn't feel like it now) and you'll know there was nothing you could have ever done to change that. One day at a time is good.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 10:50am

Hey.... I know you don't want to hear this but..... space can be a good thing.


First of all (and I know it's extremely difficult to be able to see this when you're smack dab in the middle of it--trust me, I've been there and done that!), you don't want to try to save or have a relationship with someone that doesn't want to be with you.


Secondly.... absence will either make the heart grow fonder or heal the heart to realize that what we thought we wanted and needed was just a security blanket that distorted our perception of what we could really have.


And.... yes... you fit in here just fine.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 12:11pm

When do you stop fighting? I feel like a bad person b/c I just want to give up on fighting for this relationship. I know it's b/c I can't do it alone,and he says he wants to work on things, but I see not fruit of his labor.


I told him last night that I needed some space and distance, and he didn't like hearing that he couldn't at least see his son. I told him no contact, that includes phone calls. I asked for one week to figure some things out (although I know it will be more like months b4 I feel any better about our situation). He didn't fight me, but he didn't like it.


I know it's not fair to keep my son away from him, but I am trying to find family members to help mediate the visitation right now, b/c I can't see him. I don't want to see him. if we are not in court (we go tomorrow) then I don't want to see or hear him. I'm not angry at him, I angry with him, and his choices. I mean, we can all relate- but I am the best thing that ever happened tohm, and we had a great connection. But I need to take care of me. I am so tired of thinking what's best for him, what does he need.... SH!T on that (excuse my language) b/c he hasn't thought about how much he is hurting me by doing this seperation crap.


He's a good dad, despite the fact he wants a paternity test. It's all f-ed up ( again sorry about the language). I am having a hard time letting go. I don't want us to be over, yet I have no other choice, you know.... I just wish he would come to his senses and come back to me all ready.


Thanks for letting me vent!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 4:37pm

X and I were also not legally married, but except for that little piece of paper, we were! By both of our admissions.

I can relate to what you're saying about taking time for *you*. My x decided he didn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore when he started coming out of a depression. I stuck with him during his hard times. I took care of him. And then, at the beginning of this year when things were starting to look up again for us, whammo! He hasn't always understood *my* distance when I distance myself. He doesn't like it, but it was all his decision.

I have realized that I don't like the person x is right now. If he said he wanted to get back with me, I would be the one oppossed unless things changed.

Take it day by day. That's all any of us can do. There are good days and bad days. But that does make the good days even sweeter...

-Ruth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:54am

Take it day by day... the best advice!