new here ex and child etc

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
new here ex and child etc
4
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 4:33pm
Hello I am not newly divorced. Someone had given me this link after hearing a bit of my story and thought I might be able to have someone relate and understand what I am dealing with. I have been reading a few weeks now I was unsure if I qualify since I have been divorced for so long, however I read a post today that hit close to home and I could relate to very well so here I am. (I am not sure of all the abbreviations that are used here) I have been divorced since 1994, we had reconciled for two yrs soon after. He abused me, was/ is a heaver drinker and heavy marihuana user. A very high functioning alcoholic tho I might add. We have a son who is now 16 yrs old. The child was only 3 when I first fled. Thing is to this day he chooses to get back at me and essentially hurt our son. He gets just enough behind with the child support to cause a disruption and not have it directly taken from his pay, he chooses not to call the child for months and missed the child’s 16th b’day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. He lives one town away. He has very high profile attorneys that are in with the legal system This has been pretty much the case since we have been divorced. It’s been a huge sense of control for him. Now I am dealing with a child who is angry and rightfully so, chooses not to reach out to his father in return. It is just beyond my realm of comprehension how anyone can treat their child this way. I do not disparage him, to the contrary I do all I can to build him up. Sad to say he uses the child not only as a means of communication but also as a weapon. This is the longest he has gone w/o seeing the child and I know it’s a blessing in many ways, just still hurts……. I am all my son has, I over compensate to a fault to make up for all his father’s shortcomings. I have no other family. Being a mom is a job I take seriously, I really mean I am all my son has. Guess I should mention I am feeling a bit suffocated as well? There are many reasons I could take him back to court (the child support or lack there of is just one) the last time I even filed my own motion. It’s just so incredibly draining –the court system and what his money is able to buy him out of. I would need to argue for a new judge. Oh it goes on.. Right now son is angry because he could be driving, his father could easily help him out with this he makes over 6 figures and yet does what??? Sorry that was my rant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:17am

Welcome - i wonder if it was something I posted that hit home for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 7:45am

i agree with rebecca . but of course - this is your life and you have to make this decision. I chose to stop fighting my son's sperm donor for CS because i wasn't getting anywhere anyway ( i live in a different country and the *system* here is just terrible anyway). i know a lot of people had said to me that i made a mistake ---- but i can tell you, in the final analysis, that i have friends who spent LOTS of hours, money, and emotional effort on chasing their ex's for CS - and they didn't always get very far either.

my DS (19) has been very badly by two men in his life - his sperm donor (i got divorced when DS was three, and his dad stopped seeing him/supporting him from about age 5), and his ex-step father who was very abusive to him. my ds went thru a stage of 'blaming' his ex step dad for his issues, and thru therapy and a LOT of talking with him, he has moved past this. your DS needs to be helped with this issue too. its a bad habit to place blame on others, instead of taking responsibility for your own issues. its not unusual for a teen to be this way, but its not healthy.

for example, if your son wants to be driving, then let him get a part time job, and pay for whatever he needs. its nothing to be ashamed of - at 16, he is quite old enuf to start working on becoming self sufficient. its not good that HE is becoming angry at his DAD. *this* is his life, *this* is the situation, and your ds needs to start taking responsibility. yes ---- its not 'fair', but that's the way it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 8:40pm

Hi... never divorced "too long" ago to fit in here.... mt divorce was final almost 6 years ago... and here I am!


It's so frustrating when you've got a parent that uses the child (or the child's resources) as a game.... and so sad!


You asked about abbreviations here...... I've got a list!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 12:50pm

“Right now son is angry because he could be driving, his father could easily help him out with this he makes over 6 figures and yet does what???”

A few months ago I posted the same issue about my DD (16). My current husband and I bought her a car (1989 Jeep Wrangler). We told her we would pay ½ of her driving lessons and she would have to come up with the other ½. Then she would have to get a job to pay for the insurance and spending money. She went to her father to see if he would help out. His response- “that is what child support is for”. He makes over 120k per year. And, like your situation, he somehow managed to further his career while drinking excessively, and cheating too. No matter how much he makes he is still a LOSER in my eyes.

Also, like your ex, mine always seems to find a way to manipulate things. He insists he should not have to pay child support on his commissions-because “he works hard for that money”. He does, only because has not yet figured a way out of it. He took me to court to stop paying alimony to me. He lost big time and then he turns around and files a “Motion to Reconsider” with the court. My lawyer told me his case was weak, but it has been almost a month. I am worrying a little.

My DD knows all about her father. She doesn’t let him get away with a thing. My son (12) has yet to see his father for what he is. Maybe he never will.

Good luck to you.
Karen