new here, feeling confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
new here, feeling confused
5
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 7:46am

I am new to this board. I have been married for 13 yrs to H and we have been together for 15. we have 3 beautiful girls, a very nice house, nice things, he has a good job, I have been a sahm for 15 yrs, and just got a part time job about 1 1/2 yrs ago.

so that's all great right? I don't want it. My H is a great guy, a good dad, but I have been struggling with this very strong desire to be alone. I beleive I don't love him anymore. When he is gone I miss him, but the minute he walks through the door, I hate him. Can't stand anything he does. I don't know why. I have been struggling with this for about 6 months, maybe longer now.

I have gone to a Theripist in hopes to figure this out. I told him I want a seperation,, he didn't like that. He for awhile didn't know anything was wrong. The more I try to go back, I can't.. I don't want to be like this, but It's like I have no control.
I hate hurting him, I do feel bad. But.. I just don't know.

has anyone else been here? did you leave? I don't know how I could. I have no money, no real job,, 3 kids, etc.
I don't know if I can take it much longer. and it's not fair to him either.

thanks for listening,, some feedback would be great! I am so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 10:43am

"He for awhile didn't know anything was wrong."

So Sunshine, what is wrong? I understand these vague "feelings" we usually get them to notify us that something is up, but usually if we sit with them for a while and start asking questions we start getting answers - even if we don't really like them. If you've been going to a therapist, have you discovered any reason why you feel this way?

Chances are there is something either missing in your marriage or your life right now that is making you feel this way. It may be that its time to move on from your marriage but I wouldn't suggest it until you know why you need too. If you don't know what you are looking for then being alone isn't neccessarily going to improve your feelings, and its going to upset your whole family so much that you really are going to have to be strong and sure in why you are doing it. I have a pretty darn good idea why I'm wanting to leave and I'm still struggling to do it.

Start asking yourself questions like:

What's missing?
If I could have my life anyway I wanted it what would I have?

If seeing a therapist isn't helping (and it usually takes a while so if you've only gone a couple of times keep trying - or find a better one) get some self-help books that seem relevant to you and start working through them. They are usually filled with question and exercises that will make you think, sometimes even things that aren't related can help as long as you are really looking for some answers.

Perhaps you are just feeling like you need to prove to yourself that you could survive on your own? Perhaps its something else. A lot of us feel like we lose our identity in a marriage, do you feel that way? If so, can you work to find it in the marriage or is the marriage keeping you from it?

If you can figure out what you are needing an why, it will be a lot easier for you to figure out what to do about your marriage, and what to tell your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 12:15pm
i'm new here too. It has been three weeks ago today that me and my H separated. we have 3 kids, 17 yr boy (adopted), 6yr girl and 1yr boy. I too am a sahm and own a business with my H. I so badly want to move on, yet we are so connected financiallly.. So many things are going through my mind: I don't want him, I do want him. I understand the feeling of missing him when he's gone, and frustrated when he's around. We went to some counseling sessions when we were together, they were a joke. He pretended that everything was OK, and it was just me with the issues. This left me with an incredible sence of guilt, Maybe I HAD ruined our marriage. I tried to address his particular issues, me griping, complaining, etc. But the one thing he always said is that he just wanted me to be happy.
How great that sounded, I had a man and ALL he cared about was me being happy. So I needed to fix myself. I had to take a hard core look at myself, at why I was so unhappy. Maybe it was my husband, my job, my life. I deceided that I was unhappy at myself. For allowing myself to wait for my husband to make me happy. That was not his job, I had set him up to fail daily. Now that I know that it was not him that made me unhappy, he says that it is not what he needs now. He says that he has so much anger towards me, because of me. He told me he thought i should move on while he understands why he is so unhappy.
I don't know how much this will help, but I wanted you to know you are not alone
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:26am
thanks to you both for you're responses. I just don't know. I thik I am not in love with him anymore, but do I love him? I have been thinking about this for awhile now. Anyway, thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:59am

Not all therapists are created equal. If the one you are seeing has not been able to help you find another one. If fact, some are really, really bad.

Maybe you are wondering who you are outside of being a wife or mother?? Have you considered going back to school? or pursuing a more challenging job? At this point, some vague feelings of dissatisfaction are not enough to pursue divorce IMO. Other people are not responsible for making you happy, you need to pursue finding out (maybe with a new therapist) why you are unhappy. Divorce is not an easy road and although for me personally I am SOOOO much happier divorced, the stress -financial and emotional- has been incredible. You also need to realize depending upon where you live, you may not get to stay in the house, you may not get custody of your kids, if you share custody of your kids you still may not be free to go where you want - you may have to stay in the same town or school district, in some states you will not get alimony or you will only get it for a very limited (get back on your feet) time, you may find friends and family do not "take your side" and so you will lose them. Divorce is a life altering experience for all involved. It is not something to initiate unless you are sure that is where you want to go. There are countless cases of spouses who felt restless and discussed divorce on and off with their spouse, after a while they make the decision they want to stay married, but now their spouse, fed up with the waffling, has moved on. Then they are getting divorced whether they want to or not.

I hope I don't come across as to harsh :)

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 2:42pm
Hey Sunshine,
I am in a similar situation, except my spouse works from home. Have wondered, "Why can't I just be happy with the way things are?" My H tried to convince me that I was an unhappy person when we got married. Ahhh almost believed him. I have been in therapy since around May.