New here, feeling very lost, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
New here, feeling very lost, need advice
15
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 11:44am

I may be in the wrong forum...if so I apologize. I can't believe that I am even putting this out there but here goes.

I have been married 3 years and have a 1 year old son. I will be 30 this year. I have known for a while that I was no longer in love or attracted to my husband. I feel so unnbelievably horrible about this, but I feel like I married the wrong man and I feel so trapped. He is not an abuser, he is not a bad person...he is a good dad. But I just don't think I want to be married to him anymore. He is verbally abusive sometimes, and overall I just don't think he is who I thought he was when we married. He is extremely negative and critical and tense almost all of the time. I feel like I am suffocating. I am scared to death to leave him because we have a young child, I am a stay at home mom...all of that. I don't even know how I would survive as a single mom and I know that he would freak and not make my life any easier. If it weren't for my son I would have been gone by now, but I just don't know if I can be a good mom and do this alone with NO money.

I don't even know the first step to take. My mom suggested saving some money on the side. I guess thats a start, but I really need some advice from some women that have been through it.

Thank you so much,
Jennifer

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 12:14am

Hi Jennifer..... your mom's right.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 10:20am

Ok, understand this is just MY opinion. I don't think divorce should be considered until there's been a real attempt to save the marriage (and there may have been, I don't know from your post). You guys have a child together and that, IMO, deserves a second look. Counseling, marriage retreats and such can really help people rediscover each other and create a new, loving bond. I tend to believe love is a choice that two people can make. That being said, if your husband isn't motivated to go to counseling or listen to you and your needs, then the marriage really doesn't have a chance. Too much resentmet will build and you won't be doing anything good for your child. Anyway, although I do not believe in staying in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship for the sake of a child, I do believe that most relationships CAN be fulfilling and happy with work (and I mean real, honest work from BOTH partners) and commitment. I am facing a divorce this year because my husband ISN'T motivated to work and commit. So, my only choice is to leave. I have been a SAHM as well so I know the fear you face. Anyway, I hope you come back and update us.

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 10:26am
Jennifer, After going through the last ten months (My husband divorced me and I didn't want to be divorced), I say to you need to think long and hard before leaving your husband. It is a very lonely world out there. I am going to suggest a book to you. It's called "Love must be tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I wish I had had this book 2 years ago. I probably wouldn't be going through the pain I am now. Hugs, Brenda


Edited 1/7/2006 10:27 am ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:08am

hi jennifer and welcome.


every situation is so different - in some cases, divorce is the only solution because the two people should not have come together in the first place. children can make the decision more difficult - but children should never be the *reason* for staying in a marriage, IMHO. if a marriage is so bad and so unhealthy and it CAN'T be fixed - then staying is not going to be good for anyone.


at the same time - its important to take steps to try and fix things IF YOU CAN. i knw that for me - even tho i KNEW, deep down, what a terrible mistake my marriage was (this was my second marriage, i had a son from my first marriage who was with me full time), i still 'tried' to fix things. and you know - even tho it prolonged my marriage, i am not sorry that i tried because at least i can be proud of myself for not just 'giving up'.


and of course - as karen suggested - its a good idea to check out your options. knowledge is power.


in addition to saving money on the side - you might want to look into career options - perhaps things you can do from your home, perhaps some kind of career training - even now, before you take any further steps.


good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:46am

maybe marriage counselling could help. maybe your husband doesn't even realize how critical and negative he has become and counselling could point a few things out to him. would you still love your husband if he was the man you married? things change with children. you're home; he's out. you need other interests to make your life happier and more interesting to him. maybe you're depressed? are things getting done around the house? maybe i'm totally off the mark. when you first were together, you led separate lives and came together after work probably. now you're leading separate lives, but in a different way. do you resent his life? these are just the questions i should have asked myself, so that's why i pose them to you. staying at home with a child is hard work. my husband didn't understand. no matter how much you love your children, the work that comes with staying at home: laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. is pure drudgery unless you're martha stewart. i resented that i was on my own and he resented the fact that i wasn't working and wasn't too happy about it when we both thought this is what i wanted. very complicated and maybe some of this is mixed up with what you're going through.

in any event, meet with an attorney just to know where you stand. put some money aside. and schedule the counselling session.

good luck. just doing something about it will make you feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 8:11pm

I just want to thank all of you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate and need the input, both positive and negative.

As far as counseling goes, I have asked him several times and he doesn't think that we need it. And finally I got tired of asking because a big part of me doesn't care anymore.

We are going away for the weekend alone next month as an attempt at some mending time together. I don't even really want to go...but I will.

I will keep you all posted. All my best.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2006
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 9:03pm
i may be completely wrong here but having a child takes a huge toll on your body. I was told by a doctor that it can take 15 months or longer for your hormones to balance out again. Are you sure you are unhappy in the marriage. Could it be postpardum depression? I think talking to an attorney is a good idea, just to get your options, I also think it might be a good idea to speak to your doctor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:10pm
your story is almost like mine except ive been married longer and i do love him but im not attracted,and i feel so trapped and if it wasant for daughter id be long gone
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:13pm
were you sad to divorce,did you love him but felt unhappy too?how old were your children and how did it affect them and how is your life now after the divorce?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:52pm

I was sad, embarrassed, stressed... mad.... and relieved.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Pages