New here, feeling very lost, need advice
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| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 11:44am |
I may be in the wrong forum...if so I apologize. I can't believe that I am even putting this out there but here goes.
I have been married 3 years and have a 1 year old son. I will be 30 this year. I have known for a while that I was no longer in love or attracted to my husband. I feel so unnbelievably horrible about this, but I feel like I married the wrong man and I feel so trapped. He is not an abuser, he is not a bad person...he is a good dad. But I just don't think I want to be married to him anymore. He is verbally abusive sometimes, and overall I just don't think he is who I thought he was when we married. He is extremely negative and critical and tense almost all of the time. I feel like I am suffocating. I am scared to death to leave him because we have a young child, I am a stay at home mom...all of that. I don't even know how I would survive as a single mom and I know that he would freak and not make my life any easier. If it weren't for my son I would have been gone by now, but I just don't know if I can be a good mom and do this alone with NO money.
I don't even know the first step to take. My mom suggested saving some money on the side. I guess thats a start, but I really need some advice from some women that have been through it.
Thank you so much,
Jennifer

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"He is not an abuser, he is not a bad person...he is a good dad. ... He is extremely negative and critical and tense almost all of the time."
You are not the only one who is miserable right now, and you are not the only one who is considering divorce. If you were to attend counseling just for you, and started changing your life and finding happiness for yourself, then your husband might be motivated to join you.
I strongly believe that choosing divorce (except when there is abuse, drugs, etc.) is choosing to swap all your current problems for a bunch of new ones hidden behind Door Number Two. You don't know all of what is behind the mystery door, but it will include having strangers raise your child in a daycare, spending your entire weekend doing housework you couldn't do while you worked all week, and possibly a parade of frogs who will never become princes, and some of whom might be dangerous to children. I cannot know what else.
But isn't it true that you married THIS man because he looked good enough to marry? Why does finding more happiness for you have to start with a divorce? There is so much more to life than just changing up your roommates and partners. How about changing the content of each of your days? How about finding a bright new interest to shine some light on your soul? No, I don't mean a new love-interest. There are countless other ways to make your life beautiful and fulfilling.
Hi Jennifer,
I'm new at this posting board myself. Everyone here is very helpful and supportive.
Being a stay home mom is hard, I love my kids 4 & 14 but I find it easier to work. With out knowing your whole story or how your life is at home, I can only guess that you put everyone before yourself. I decided a year ago that I was going to take care of me! I stopped busting my butt to work full time, keep the house spotless, keep the bills paid,drive the kids to and from school, cook dinner, so on and so on all while all he had to do was wake up, go to work, then spend 2 to 3 hours at the gym everyday! My house is still clean, and my bills are paid but its all on my terms. I dont wait around for him to come home at 8:00pm most nights to eat dinner anymore. Just little things like that that he expected me to do with out any consideration to me or the kids. I have found that I am much happier and I am able to spend more time with my kids instead of driving myself insane trying to do it ALL.
So what I am trying to say is maybe you need to focus on making you happy. It may not help your marriage but you have to be happy first. He can only do things to please you and you may feel happy for the moment,but in the end you have to responsible for yourself.
Things for me in my marriage are bad but I try my best to be responsible for my feelings. I hope this all made sense! I've just been rambling!
Taylor
"You don't know all of what is behind the mystery door, but it will include having strangers raise your child in a daycare, spending your entire weekend doing housework you couldn't do while you worked all week..."
That actually sounds more like my life while I was married!
Thanks for writing this. I tend to agree with you. In my case, my husband is a chronic cheater and that won't stop. I have no choice. Still, I've tried for years. I think my husband does these things to find happiness. Currently he is convinced that all of his troubles will be gone once this marriage is over. Most of our friends tend to believe he will bottom out because then he won't have me to blame his unhappiness on. Who knows? Still I think before divorce is considered, one should go to therapy and really get to the bottom of the unhappiness. Find outside interests (not other partners). It would just stink to put a family through the pain of divorce only to learn that the source of unhappiness wasn't the spouse.
Kimberly
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