New here, getting divorce now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
New here, getting divorce now what?
2
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:26am
Well last night my husband and I decided to get a divorce, after much thought, and consideration. And yes we tried to save the marriage, but It just isnt working out. I am sad yet somewhat relieved. and of course Scared to Death. Now what? I feel so alone in this process, as we have not mentioned it to our family (parents, brothers, sisters)yet. there are 5 children involved and after the Holdiays we will tell them. I am scared that the children will not take it well. I have not been out on my own in 13 years and to tell you the truth I dont know how I will handle it. My husband took great care of his family, took care of everything, the bills, kid stuff, household, cars, insurance, just everything, and I have to now fend for my self. I am so used to him taking care of everything and now I have to learn how to do it myself. Any words of encouragement? I am going thru all these emotions at once- scared, stressed, lonely, cant eat, cant sleep, started smoking, lost 15 lbs. Just plain old sick. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 12:20am

Hi there:

I think the best thing you can do right now is to take one step at a time. It all seems very onverwhelming in the beginning, but you will get there. You could make lists of the things you need to know about or do first, second, etc. Break the big picture up into smaller bits and set short-term goals for getting things done. That's what I did.

In terms of the practical, every day stuff, can you ask a friend to mentor you? Maybe she/he could talk to you about how to get the phone hooked up, same with cable, etc. Then you could maybe get a referral to a personal banking rep that someone you trust deals with and make an appointment with her/him. Explain your situation and ask for some guidance. It's their job to advise people and they should be happy to help. If you need to find work or apply for welfare, women's centres can be a great resource. They can refer you to employment counselling for women, give you tips on dealing with welfare if you need to do that, etc. Same with housing.

I left my ex with literally nothing but the clothes on my back and three months pregnant with my son. The clothes I had weren't going to be much good for long, either, because I had not yet purchased anything for maternity and zippers were beginning to gape! We had just moved so I had no where to go, no job, and no credit or money that wasn't joint. I moved in with family, got a job, then an apartment, had my baby and got cusotdy of him, then went back to university and finished my BA, then attended graduate school. You can do it, one step at a time, whatever your dreams might be!

Let us know how you are doing.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:34am
Stephanie:
thanks for your post, I really dont have anyone to talk to about all this, as I am such a private person, and it feels good to get things off my chest. First of all I do have a new place to live and it seems to be okay so far, got the electricity, cable, heat, all turned on. But I just wasnt used to doing that sort of thing and then I forget to pay bills. My husband spoiled me rotten. I have a great job which pays pretty good, but I am not used to budgeting, when I was with my husband, my paycheck was mine to spend on whatever, he paid all the bills, so now I am really broke. I was considering counseling but with my schedule its pretty hectic, 5 kids, full time job and college classes at night, sooo exhausting! I earned my degree all the while my kids were babies, and working, now I am taking a few more classes to keep me busy and my mind off of things/divorce. My husband and I are still on friendly terms, we still are very close and he is wonderful guy but unfortunately things didnt work out. But I am still stressed and very sad that it has come to this. Does it get any better? will I feel sad always? I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.