New here, getting separated

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
New here, getting separated
2
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:00pm

Hi all,

I'm new here, but I've posted for quite some time over at the Dealing with In-Laws board. I originally posted this on the Married but Separated board, but that seems to be a ghost town, so here I am at this board. DH and I are separating after almost 19 years together. We got married when I was pregnant-- we really didn't know each other very well, and I was barely 19 when we got married. We have 2 beautiful sons, 18 and 9. DH is an alcoholic in denial, and is from a severely dysfunctional, alcoholic family (a bit redundant, I know! ;-) ). After trying to work on the marriage for 2 years, and DH refusing to get treatment, I've decided to start living again, and to end the marriage. I feel dead inside, and the stress the booze and booze behavior has pretty much ruined my health. I'm in counseling for myself, and it is helping.

DH is *supposed* to be moving out at the end of the month, but today he told me that he doesn't think his apartment will be ready by then. The apartment is actually at a business that we own, so he can really move in there at any time. There's no running water, but he is working on fixing the pipes. I think that DH doesn't want to believe that the separation will be permanent. I told him that I thought that it was irreconcilable at this point. In fact, DH tried to substitute the booze with regular coffee, and drank so much coffee in one day that he was so hyped up and bitter that I had to call the police. He spent the night elsewhere.

Our sons are coping as best as kids can be expected in this situation. They're both in counseling (have been since before we told them we were separating), but they're still hurting.

I guess I just need a friendly ear. ;-) I do have a good support system for myself-- mom and dad, some friends, counselor, lawyer... and I'm trying to get back into some activities for myself-- genealogy and I'm joining a knitting club (First meeting is tonight).

Anyone have any advice? I feel kinda lost, this is uncharted territory for me. I'm a SAHM, and DH has always taken care of the finances, oil deliveries, phone, etc. I'm sure all that stuff can be learned, but right now it feels sorta like I'm a displaced housepet!

Thanks in advance for any advice!

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:22pm
I can certainly relate to a lot of what you're going through. These boards helped me a great deal a couple of years ago when I was going through a really tough time & felt really alone. I am recently separated (have been separated before) but I think this time it's headed for divorce. we've been married almost 16 yrs. He's been involved w/ drugs for many yrs & in& out of rehab. It took its' toll on the marriage & on me. I felt I was losing myself. It was always about him & his problems. I took everything on...the bills, the day to day,etc. I tried soooo hard to make things work, mostly because I really loved him & had faith that one day he would stay clean & sober (which he did for short periods of time). Finally, I had enough..I was miserable all the time & felt life was just passing me by. I still love him & wish things had turned out different, but life is not always the way you hoped it would be. It's cliche, but the saying "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" is very true!! also true..."I'm a better person for it". I'm still a work in process...I take it one day at a time. So much of me was defined by my marriage, by our life together so now new meaning is needed. You're your own person. Sometimes, it's liberating to realize the freedom, the choices I can make. Counseling has been a tremendous help...so I highly recommend it. You may not see the results right away but in time you see the difference it makes. Try to find joy in the simple things...
I wish you well & you're certainly not alone. take care & keep us posted.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:40pm

Hi Stillwish,

Thanks for your reply. My DH has never been clean and sober-- mostly he'll dry out, but then he'll start up with the drinking again, thinking he can just have 1 or 2 beers... he gets to blaming me and our DSs for his problems, complaining about us, that we're a burden... after hearing this for months on end, I was just completely drained emotionally and physically. I've had health problems for about 5 years, and I believe that they are directly caused by the constant stress that we've had to live with.

I've had to be the stable parent to my kids-- their father is quite the drama queen, and when he'd have a meltdown, he'd hightail it outta Dodge, and I'd be left having to calm the kids down. DH would waltz in later on as if nothing happened, no apology for his bad behavior, wasn't accountable for his actions, etc. Sheer madness. I tried to get him to help me make things work-- to try to make it work as a team, but he refuses to believe that his alcoholism is THE major factor. Like I said, his demeanor changes after just 1 or 2 beers, and I've had enough of it.

My lawyer and my counselor have pointed out that I need to take care of myself, and not to worry so much about how other people are doing-- I hadn't noticed that I did that! When I did notice that I did that, I also noticed that nobody in my house asks how I'M doing-- that was a sad realization! ;-) I think realizing that will help in the long run, now that I'm aware of it. I guess I've just gotten so used to having to mop up DH's messes that I need to nuture myself. Even re-learning what it feels like to feel-- I know that sounds wicked dumb!!-- is strange. Just listening to music that has a lot of emotion in it, like Carole King or The Replacements, is almost too much, I've forgotten what it's like to be a part of the world.

Take care, and thanks again.

Susie