New here. Here's my story. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New here. Here's my story. Any advice?
4
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 2:01pm
Hi. I’m new to this board. I have been reading posts for a couple of weeks now. I thought I would finally post and see if anyone has any advice to offer. My situation/story is like a lot of you. I married young. 16 to be exact. H was 18. I had my 1st DD (11 now) at 17, my DS (9 now) at 19 and my youngest DD (3 now) @ 25. I’m currently 28 and H is 31. We’ve been married for almost 12 years. I dropped the big “D” word last week. I want a divorce. I’m not happy. We’ve had problems ever since my youngest was born. I lost all respect for H when I had her. He kept pushing for me to have an abortion. He didn’t want her. The youngest also has medical problems that H has a hard time accepting. I have said for the last 8 months now that we have problems and that we need to work on the marriage. H has blown me off saying that everything is fine and that it’s all in my head. Well since I dropped that I wanted a divorce now he wants to save the marriage. I don’t know what to think. I’m pissed that I’ve said something nearly every day about needing to fix this M and he has blown me off. I don’t know if I want to fix the M anymore. H can be verbally abusive. We’ve gotten into a couple of physical altercations. I should also say that H has cheated on me with 3 different girls though this was before we got married. I don’t agree with it but than again we were teenagers. 1 girl did happen to be my best friend at the time and I believe this happened back in 99 while we were married. XBF is now long gone. I should have whipped her a**. UUGGHH! Anyway I can truly say that I don’t believe my H was attracted to me when I was heavy. I have lost 50 pounds in the last 9 months. I went from a size 20 to an 8. I think H wants to keep me since he now knows I can get a new man. Before it was always “our so fat nobody is going to want you and your 3 kids”. I’m so pissed at him I could scream. His negative attitude is what got me on the weight loss journey. I’m stuck living with him for at least another 6 months to a year. We need to sell the house in order to divorce. Neither one of us can afford the house on our own. H asked me to give it a year and try to save the marriage. I have agreed to since I have no choice but to pay off my debt. I don’t want to lead H on. I don’t want to save this marriage. I’m not happy. The only reason I agreed is so that I can keep the peace in my house. Before I agreed to try to save the marriage he was making my life a living nightmare. I should also say that I have a “friend” that I have know for 4 years. We are nothing more than that. I have not slept with him. The only thing he did was kiss me once on the lips. He knows my situation and is not pushing me to do anything. However this man has my heart. I don’t know what to do. The OM is who I want. I’m trying to stay away from OM and work on myself over the next year but it’s so hard. Any advice???? I’m at a loss as what to do. I do love my H but I’m not in love with him. I can honestly say that I don’t want to salvage the M. Do I hang out for the next 6 months to a year and pay as much debt off as we can? That was the main plan before he asked to try and work it out. H is hoping that within 6 months to a year that I will fall back in love with him. And than I’m afraid if I do stay than OM won’t be willing to wait for me. SIGH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:36pm

Briefly... if I can LOL!!!... I met STBX when I was 16. I was 22 when we finally married. I went through with it despite the red flags that were plainly visible to me.

We have two children together. He was mostly verbally abusive to me... insulting and intimidating me into agreeing with him. He was an alcoholic which compounded the problems. I was unhappy for many reasons throughout the marriage.

When things would get bad, we'd talk about counseling. I wanted to go to counseling to help us understand and meet each other's needs. That's one thing I could never do... meet his expectations. I was a failure as his wife. In short... I wasn't just like his mother.

Counseling was refused and called a waste of time. Even after I threatened divorce in 2005, counseling was considered but soon forgotten as he felt we could work it out on our own.

After that, I could not find happiness with him. I tried to ignore my feelings, but they never went away. After a falling out in Nov. 06, I decided I was not going back. I want a divorce.

He now begs for counseling. Promises the world to me. Quit drinking... or so they say. He now drinks coffee by the gallons as if that's any better. Obviously he has issues there. I'd like to see what that means... bah... I'm digressing. Anyway, why now? Why does he want to fix this NOW? Why didn't he care enough before when he "knew" I'd never leave. Heck, I always got over it in time... I'll get over it again.

Not this time. I am done. I am 100% sure. No turning back. I am dealing with his pleading daily now. It's difficult and painful. But I will not take him back. I want out of this marriage and I will succeed.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I don't know if my story will help, but it's somewhat similar. If you decide to leave... be strong. The guilt and pain of him begging for forgiveness is immense. Not because I love him anymore, but because I am human... and as such hate to see others in pain. Even someone who hurt me without a thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 4:57pm

Hey, I married young, too... high school sweetie... at 18--what a mistake!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 5:26pm

Not to get off-topic from the original poster, but I wanted to comment about what you said about your H driking coffee by the gallons as a way of dealing with his alcoholism.

My alcoholic X tried this 2 years ago. It isn't quitting drinking, or any real form of sobriety. Coffee has caffeine in it, and caffeine is a drug. My X started drinking coffee by the truckload... not the decaf variety, but the high-test. Not in a suggested-serving-size of 8 oz. No way, not him. He had to get the large, 24 oz. cup, and refill it several times a day. One week, he must have consumed gallons. He had a bad "reaction" to the coffee one night. I could see it coming for a few days, though. Paranoia, SEVERE mood swings, irritable and testy. He flipped out when we were trying to assemble a bathroom vanity. He had NO idea how the fasteners worked-- my DS and I had built 2 cabinets before with the same fasteners, so we saw how they were not fastened correctly. DS and I started to fix the fasteners, and the section that X had put together fell apart (it had done that 3 or 4 times while X was assembling it). DS had left the room by that time. X flew into a screaming rage, and accused me of "sabotaging" his handiwork. He had a tantrum, and looked like a 2 year old. It led to a fight between us-- the likes of which we hadn't had in years. DS grabbed his little brother and locked the both of them in his room. X was stomping around the house like a madman. I called the police, but before they could get to the house, X took off. They finally found him at his business, and he spent the night in his truck (it was cold out, serves him right).

The next morning, he pretended everything was ok between us, but he was hurting physically. His heart was racing for 2 days, but he never went to the doctor. He was a total wreck for a couple of days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:48pm
Hi
Well my story is so similar to yours!!
We started dating in High School,17 years old. All we did was fight then!! We did break up for awhile but ended up back together! BIG MISTAKE.
We always are fighting. When my kids were babies he did NOTHING and I mean nothing. I would beg him for help, beg him to do something with me. Even going to a movie was not an option. I was alone and lonley. I asked him for years to go to councelling but he refused. He is not abusive, just neglectful. We can drive for 3 hours and not say a word.
I too finally brought up the divorce thing. Now he is trying to change, he wants to be a part of our lives. He even said he wants to go to councelling. The problem is I am done. I want out NOW. I gave him all the chances for 10 years. Now that he is scared he'll try. I am not in love with him anymore either. I think I started to hate him for awhile. I don't want him touching me anymore either.
I am scared to really leave, we have 3 kids. We don't have a lot of debt, I am very good with our money, but I would probably have to move to a different town for afforable housing. It's scarey. I'm also scared of being alone. I also don'tr want to se him crushed either. To see him begging for another chance would really be hard for me.
Is there always one who wants the divorce more than the other???
It's good to know others have a similar story, it makes me feel less alone in this difficult decision. Star