New here: How to get him to see it is not just me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
New here: How to get him to see it is not just me?
4
Sun, 07-28-2013 - 11:43am

Hello everyone.

 

I posted a few weeks ago on the Working on Your Relationship board under a post titled “Conflicting Feelings.” In that post I explained that I was dealing with feeling of not being happy for some time. Well, 2 weeks ago I went out with my girlfriends for a wine night and finally broke down to them after a few of them expressed concern that I haven’t been myself.  That night I stayed with one of my friends, and when I went home to my husband I completely lost it. All of my feelings about me being unhappy came out. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My husband and I haven’t been emotionally of physically intimate for almost a year. With us both being in our early to mid 20’s and only being married 4 years I don’t think this is something we should be going through yet.

Since that night the lines of communication have been wide open. The problem I’m running into is my husband thinks that I just need a weekend trip with the girls and I will get over all of this. He keeps expressing and saying comments about how this is all just me, and I need to figure it out. Yet when I asked him point blank “If our marriage stays the way it has been for the last year for the next 10 years, would you be happy?” His response is no.  Yet, he is not seeing that this is a marriage problem, just a wife problem. I’m not sure what I can do to get him to see this is an “us” problem and not just me?

Someone on the other board asked if we were young when we got married, the answer is one of us was. There is a 6 year age difference between us with my husband being younger. This is the first time that I feel like the age difference is hindering us. Also, my husband comes from a very very bad past. He told me the other night that since we have money, a house, and we are not beating each other up, or have a drug problem that we are the best marriage he has ever seen. He also told me that he didn’t care if he was miserable he wouldn’t end this because our lifestyle is so much better than he ever thought he could have.

I’m just lost on what to do? I talk and talk until I’m blue in the face. I feel like I get him to understand that he plays a role in all of this, and then 15 mins later he ask me if I’m going to my counseling appointment this week because “you need to figure this out.”

Just the other night my husband asked if I thought separating temporarily would be a good idea. The problem with this is that we work together so I don’t feel like it would be a true break and give me space since I would still have to see him every day.  Did any of you separate for a short period of time? If so, how did it would out for you?

Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you have the wrong goal here--you can't force someone else to see anything.  You can only express your ideas and see what he has to say--you have already said that you aren't happy.  His response was that 1) it's basically all in your head and for you to fix and 2) he's willing to stay in a marriage that's not great just because it's not the horrible marriage that he's used to seeing.  So you have your answer there--what exactly do you want from him?  I mean, he's not going to change who he is so if he said yes, I'm also unhappy, what would that accomplish for you?  Would you feel better because you wouldn't have to be the bad guy?  That just might not happen.  If you want to break up and you feel that's the best thing for you to do, then you have to do it--you can't expect that he will necessarily be in agreement.  In fact, he told you already that he probably won't break up.

I personally think that separations usually don't accomplish much, but if you are on the fence about staying together, then at least living apart and not having contact him (outside of work) for a while may give you some clarity--but I would put a limit on this where you have to decide whether you are in or out--otherwise, it's not really fair to keep him guessing what is going to happen.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Oh gosh sweetie.  I feel for you. 

My short answer is to go ahead and go to T on your own.  Hopefully, your DH can join you along the way.  Either way, it should help you find clarity. 

We can't change other people.  They have to want to change.  And who knows, after you start to change the way you do, or don't do things, some light might be shed on the situation for your DH.  Don't get me wrong, you are correct that it takes two to tango.  But it is time for your actions to speak for itself. 

Good luck and keep us posted.

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I read your post about Conflicting Feelings after reading this post. In the older post you say that your unhappiness is not caused by your dh. So I'm confused why you now say that "its not just me". I can see how your dh thinks that its something that is "your" issue. Like you two agreed to certain things when you married and he feels that he kept up his part of it, and now you're unhappy...so he feels that it must be something in your head that you need to straighten out. Of course a marriage takes two people working at it, but I didn't read where he did anything wrong or different, so maybe he needs for you to explain what is wrong with him now and what he needs to do. Also some people have a higher threshold for enduring unhappiness, or they believe that its often a passing feeling and they will feel happy again later, so he may be less uncomfortable with the perceived unhappiness than you are.

Maybe through counseling you can get clear about what you want and if you can achieve that plus stay married to this man; or if your goals or feelings have changed and you are no longer right for each other; or some other scenario.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

There are two people in a marriage.  In your case, you're unhappy, and he's not unhappy.  So how can you expect him to see your side of it?  He is content in the marriage.  And he's right, you're the one with a problem  If you're not happy in the marriage, then you have to accept that, or you have to end the marriage.  He is who he is and what he is.  Why should he become someone different to please you?  It would be like you saying "I love chinese food, and something is wrong with him because he doesn't like chinese food".  He's saying go out and eat chinese food if you want to, but he won't go because he doesn't like it.  If he's not going to change, then you're not going to be happy, and you have to end the marriage.  And then the tables will turn!  You will be happy to be out of it, and he will not be happy because he didn't want to end it.  One of you is not going to be happy.....it's you choice which you will be.  Talk to a counselor about it, and if nothing changes, get a lawyer.