New Here--How to Tell the Kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
New Here--How to Tell the Kids?
9
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 9:44am
Hi,
I have been posting on the EAS board.
My husband and I have decided to separate after 19 years of marriage. He got an apt and will move out in about 2 weeks.
We have 3 boys 17, 14 and 11. The oldest boy is away at a camp, but has a break from June 30-July 5. We were thinking of telling them that dad is moving out during the break.
We have been at this impasse for years and this is the closest we have come to separating. We have always stopped short because it has been too hard to tell the kids since our marriage seems "fine" from the outside, but we have definitely grown apart and both want to move on.
Should we tell the kids all together? Or individually? We have a planned family vacation at the end of July and are thinking of all going (with separate rooms for mom and dad). Does this send a signal that we are going to stay together? Will it confuse the boys? We do plan to do things as a "family" and my H and I both are great with the kids (the best thing we did together)....and want to disrupt their lives as little as possible--
Any advice would be appreciated. As all of you know, this is the first hardest step, and although I can't predict what will happen, I want to be as informed as possible.
Thanks for your thoughts,
L
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 11:23am
IMO, I wouldn't tell the oldest during his break. That ruins the rest of his summer, and doesn't allow enough time for him to adjust to the news before having to go away again.
I don't want to seem judgmental at all, but please make sure you have considered the unhappiness you will cause to your children, especially the 11 year old, with your separation. Children are not comforted by the fact that one or both of the parents are "happier" apart. Children just want their parents together. This is a difficult age anyway, and having parents decide to separate will only make it harder. Please make sure you've exhausted every avenue of staying together, and you have taken the effect of this on your children into consideration before making this decision. Since there is no abuse in the family, IMO you owe an obligation to your children to provide a stable home for them until they can take care of themselves without it. Since you made the decision to bring these children into the marriage, their best interest should come first.
Best of luck to you and your family. I'm sure this is a difficult time for all of you.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 1:21pm
Thank you, Cat.
I agree with you that it would be best to try and work things out since there is no abuse. BUT, stbx and I have tried for 4.5 years to "work things out" while each of us has drifted in and out of As or EAs and I was drinking too much to cope with my loneliness at home. I think that self-abuse was pretty dramatic for me. I believe I was mostly able to keep the destructive and risky behavior from the kids, but they are smart...It kills me to "do" anything to them. I am a product of divorced parents and likely I stayed in my M for YEARS longer than I should have because I was afraid of causing the pain that I will cause. BUT, I hope that me and my stbx will be able to continue the good parenting that we have for this long. I just don't think I can sit at home and pretend in my M anymore and long and pine for something I don't have (may never have--but have to deal with this pain without stbx). I pray we will all be stronger, healthier and happier. I have read a lot here and know that it is difficult. I look forward to the wisdom from many on this board.
-L
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 2:27pm

Pardon what will be a quick response ...

Books to read: Ahrons (The good divorce), Hetherington (For Better or Worse) and Wallerstein (Unexpected legacy of divorce). All likely to be at your library -- gives you the research on kids and divorce and the likely outcomes.

For practical resources: "Helping your children cope with divorce" is excellent. "The truth about children and divorce" is good. There are LOTS of others but those are two of the best in my opinion.

General consensus: 1) Both of you should tell them 2) Tell them all together 3) Make it as positive, cooperative as possible (not that it is good news for your kids) 4) Be prepared for some of the questions they will ask 5) be prepared with a short-term schedule of where they will be when. For teens--their lifestyle should take precedence--they should not miss sports practices or other events because they *have* to stay with the other parent; you will have to be flexible about this. 6) Tell them far enough (minimum of two weeks) before the move that they have time to adjust (ha!) and ask questions and just plain come to terms 7) Maybe have counselors at the ready (my girls started seeing one two weeks before we told them (my girls are only 5 and 6 though)) 8) Make sure you encourage them to be open about their feelings and then be available, listen, respond with empathy and understanding; be patient.

How's that sound?

Oh, and the vacation. Well, we are going camping with our girls two weeks after my stbx moves out. Some of our friends don't get it, but I say "think of us just as their parents --that relationship will never end--parents do things together with their kids." If you aren't at each other's throat and you think the kids would want the "family" vacation then do it.

GL!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 7:50pm

I don't believe that parents should stay in an unhappy marriage just for the kids sake. Divorce isn't ideal but it doesn't sound like you're taking it lightly either. Children deserve to be happy and so do parents. Your kids will be happy if you and your husband are happy. Just because a couple gets divorced doesn't mean they stop being good parents.

IMO you should tell the kids when you are all together. I don't think there will ever be a perfect time you just have to make the time.

I think the family trip might be a little confusing especially for the 11 year old. I also think that if you and your husband do move forward with divorce, then you both have to move on from eachother and start new lives apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 4:33pm
First of all I would like to say that my reply is based solely on my experience as a child whose parents stayed together for the sake of the children. Sooner or later the children grow up to become young adults and believe me the daily pain of seeing two people together who shouldn't be is something I can't describe. Sure divorce affects the children but still having to see how my mother was robbed of a life with someone who truly loved her for 'the sake of the children' has caused me more emotional damage than had they gone their separate ways. What staying together for the sake of the children taught me as an adult? Before marriage, to compromise myself for someone else’s sake be it relationships, work... After marriage.. to remain in a marriage where 'I' had no value, where family was always second or third, where his desire to only have one child dictated that I would only have one no matter how I felt. Unfortunately I waited too long to leave and although it hasn't been easy, I know now that I AM BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE!!! What I hope this teaches my little one, to take her time and choose wisely and if things don't work out, she will know that life goes on......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 6:07pm
I am a child of divorce and my opinion is just the opposite of yours. Sure if there is some kind of abuse there should be a divorce, but if not we brought these children into this world and they deserve a family to raise them. I know what my parents divorce did to me and I can see the horrible damage mine is doing to our children. I don't know that I can ever forgive my ex for doing this to them unless he comes home. I know the children never will. You may ask, then why are you divorced? Well, I have learned that it takes two to marry and one to divorce. No one asked me. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 8:55pm
Although no longer married, my DD does have a family to raise her. My ex and I get along very well now and she spends quality time with us both. She actually has more of dad now that we are divorced. She is doing extremely well because our commitment to her has not changed and hopefully never will. She will always remain our number one priority. No matter how I felt, to my little one every day was a good day. We also made sure that she understood that no one was to blame for the divorce so there is no need to have to forgive or not forgive either of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:46pm

Often, Brenda, our posts sound very similar. I have spoken the last line of your post more than once!

My little girl, when we told her, said "We have to agree and I don't agree." Later she said "I have a choice and I chose for Daddy to stay."

Nope, not her choice, not mine, either.

And I do not forgive my stbx for his decision. Purchasing his freedom and his children pay the price -- it amazes me how many folks don't see that their kids are the ones that suffer the most in a divorce and for what? In many cases for shallow reasons on the adult's part.

Now, in other cases, the reasons for divorce are profound and compelling and in those cases, often the children are better off.

I find, on this board, I don't know enough of anyone's situation to truly judge the merits.

I do know, in my case, as wrong and selfish as I think my stbx is, I am working with him to make this as smooth a process for my innocent children as I can. I can't stop it, so I will do everything I can to take care of my kids and the most important thing is to work with their father rather than against him.

That their hearts are in the process of being broken, I have no doubt. That their peers will inflict unintended pain upon the news I have recently witnessed. That their self-esteem and confidence and sense of security will be sorely shaken, I know. But, if I fought him and was ugly and took a negative attitude -- oh my, it would be so much worse for the kids.

I just work REALLY hard to help them and to help the community of friends around them help them and pray, with grace, they may be ok, in the long run.

And I hope that for you and your children, too.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 8:27pm
thanks M. My ex and I get along very well. for the sake of the children we always will. My parents still to this day cannot be iin the same room together without a scene. I won't have that for my children. No matter how hard I try I can't fix this. They are scarred. They are hurting. I will pray for your children as I do mine.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda