New here, it is finally the end..
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| Wed, 07-06-2005 - 2:01pm |
I was on this board 2 1/2 years ago when I first discovered my H to be involved in an EA with a woman from his work. I was also pregnant with my second child at the time. Since then, I have lived in a nightmare roller coaster where "He loves me, He loves me not" I've tried to jump off several times before, but each time I gave in or quit because I was either a.) too scared to really seperate from him or b.) I fell for his BS. I have taken so much from this man I am totally disapointed in my self. I swear he is Bi-polar. He goes though weeks of being OK (in this phase he just exists in the house and is nice) to being depressed (in this phase he is sick all the time and won't talk much) to "I gotta run" (in this phase he disapears anywhere from a few hours to a few days). Upon returning, he is filled with excuses. Sometimes he is sorry, other times it is all my fault, I make him do it (yea, like i stuck a gun to his head.) All through this, I am the primary care giver for the kids (now 8 and 2), I do all the cleaning, cooking, shoping, pay the bills, buy his clothes, laundry, Drs. appts, etc. His ONE job is to mow the lawn (Has not been cut for 3 weeks!) He has NO responsibility for anything, yet he claims that he is tired of all this responsibility...he wants to "live" and "breathe" ( I swear this is his new phrase).
Sorry..off on a tangent..
I noticed in the last few weeks that he is getting worse again and knew that I had had enough. Strange how I've actually been preparing for this in my head for a long time I think. This past Sunday I found he had been speaking with ex-coworker that he had EA with again. Huge fight. I ask HIM to go get milk for the kids breakfast while I put thme to bed. He agrees. He never came back until TUESDAY morning to get showered and ready for work. (Monday was the July 4th holiday). I tell him i'm done, selling house, he needs to move out now. He is actually SURPRISED. Seriously, he is insane. But, he did go stay at a friends and says he can stay there till he figures out where he is going to live.
I've contacted a realtor and have an appointment to meet her Sunday to get an idea of what I can sell my house for and look at what is out there. I hate my house now. What once was our dream house 5 years ago is now to me a place of sorrow. Too many days and nights wondering where he is, crying, fighting. I can't afford to buy him out anyway.
But I cried my eyes out after talking to the realtor. It's just all so sad. I feel so bad all the time. Why did he have to turn into a nut? He blames the entire failure of our marriage on me, telling me I haven't desired him or appreciated him in a long time. DESIRE you? You've cheated on me! and APPRECIATE you? For WHAT exactly???
Why is it that I miss this idiot and wanted to be married to him in the first place? I should be happy to be getting rid of him! So why do I feel so completly horrible and sad?
Thanks for letting me vent!
Tracey

OMG! That is all I can say. Reading your message is just like reading a day in my life. I have never posted on here before, I have just come here to read and look for support that way, but after seeing your message I had to respond.
My H cheated 2 years ago and it has been hell since! One day he is focused and happy with us and then, I swear you can see it happening right before your eyes, he just starts fading away! Then for 2-3 weeks he doesn't talk, doesn't have anything to do with me, and he is going back and forth about staying or leaving. The only difference is that he doesn't disappear on me. He will get mad and leave but always returns within an hour or so.
I feel like I am fighting a losing battle! He tells me that I am not going to change! ME? Is he nuts? I was the one here living our life that we built together and he was the one who went and changed it! Sorry, Buddy, but I don't need to change. He told me this weekend that there is such a huge gap between us that he just isn't sure if it will ever work out. But then he openly admits that he hasn't done anything to make things better. I'm sorry but I can't fix this by myself!
We argue all the time and I know the kids know that we are in trouble. I stay for them but I told him yesterday this is it. He either shapes up and helps me fix our marriage or I am out of here!
So, see I have been on the same roller coaster for 2 years. I ask myself everyday why I keep on when he really doesn't want this. He tells me I am crazy and need help---I am only crazy for contiuing to try. It is hard to walk away from 19 years.
So, maybe we can help each other since our situations are so similar. I wish you the very best. Hold your head high and know that you have done all you can do. We can't change them, they have to want to change themselves.
Best of luck and I will be thinking of you!
L
OMG is right! Everything you said is what I am living too! Yes, I am the one who needs to change, I should get some "help" cause there is NOTHING wrong with him (HA!). He tells me that there is just so much damage done that he is not sure we can repair it. Well, not if you don't try! Jeez. It's like dealing with a child. It's all about him.
And the slipping away thing, you CAN see it right before you eyes. I feel a huge hole in my gut when I know it is starting again. And I try and try to do anyting I can to stop it from happening but nothing works.
I hate feeling that way, I hate going through it over and over again.I have come to the conclusion that being without him and being a single mom is better than continuing with this cycle. I just can't take anymore!!! But everytime I say ENOUGH, the pain is so intense that it doesn't take much to keep me hanging on for a little longer. I keep thinking, after Christmas or after this or that. It's excuses. That is why selling my home is a HUGE step for me and one I will not go back on. Once I am in MY new home for me and girls, one that he has never seen and will never eat a meal in or sleep in, only then will I be free....I just hope to get there without giving in yet again....
I would really like to help each other through this...one can never have enough support and friends!
Oh, September will be my 10th Anniversay. YEA ME!
I constantly try to repeat the Serenity Prayer.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (him)
the courage to change the things I can (me, out of this hell) and the wisdom to know the difference" (that's the part I trip up on all the time!), I have this hanging on my wall at home. My sister bought it for me a year ago.
I hope to hear from you again soon! Take Care.
Tracey