New here, just asked for divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
New here, just asked for divorce
4
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:05pm
I have been married for 13 years and have 3 beautiful children (2 girls-4y, and 1boy-9y).
My husband has been struggling with an addiction problem for the entire time we have been married. He has gambled away a lot of money, and is currently in AA for his drinking. He seems to have everything under control, but after many years of standing by him , I have finally had it. I am no longer in love with this man and want out. We can't afford to split up. I am a stay at home mom and we don't have the income for him to move out. We agreed on him living here until I am able to find some work (when my twins are in school - 1 1/2 years) I don't know what direction I should go in now. Is there anyone with a similar situation, or that may have any advice? I know the divorce will cause a big financial hardship to our family, but I can't stand the thought of being stuck in this loveless marriage anymore. I also wonder if I will be any happier being single and poor. Any advice would be greatly apprciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:51pm

momuvejr...

Pianoguy finds it hard to believe that you haven't got at least one or two friends (or family members) who could offer 'shelter' and 'support' to you and your children?

The problem with REMAINING in the same house is that every single day will continue to be non productive. And frankly...you'll probably end up EVEN MORE BITTER than you already are? Which is certainly not a positive image for the 3 of your children to see!

No question about it...any 'financial adjustments' will be difficult. But the
'emotional adjustments' might be even tougher??? Your husband will continue his drinking and the rest of you will have to LIVE WITH IT!

Suggestion from PG:

If one or two people "owe you a favor"---NOW'S THE TIME TO ASK FOR IT! 18 months is much too long to wait to make a change!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 8:15pm

I spent 1 year in the same house with my husband while we were getting divorced and it was the worst and most stressful experience that I have ever been through. My kids counselor said she had a couple other families doing "in home" divorces and they were without a doubt the most stressful divorces. I would think long and hard about about it. Divorce is stressful enough on kids, anything that increases the stress level has got to be bad. Part of the problem is that it becomes very difficulty to set boundaries in this situation, finances remain entangled. In your case if you remain unemployed you will be divorcing and living with someone that you still have to "ask" for money for bills, groceries etc. It is not good for establishing your independence and puts him in an incredible position of power at a time when he may very well feel like "punishing" you.

Oh and I actually didn't have it as bad as others because our house was "mother-daughter" set up so I had my own space and still it was really hard. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:41pm

In 1998 I read a book by Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and that was the beginning of the end for my marriage of almost 30 years. There was no going back. I finally got the courage to start a divorce in 99 but stayed out of fear for the next five years. We lived in the same house because I could not get him out even with a restraining order, he was a police officer. Finally in 04 he put our home up for sale for the last time. He did this many times during our marriage to threaten me and this last time I had had enough. He left for work, he was gone for 3 days, I packed and moved to another state. I know in my heart that if I had stayed I might not be alive today. I don't think that any one wanting a divorce can stay with another person. It was terrible. I am alone and living day by day and hope that no one else has to waste their lives like I did. It is not worth it. Just being able to come here and talk has meant alot to me and just know that there are people who care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 9:12am
I can 100% relate to what you are going through.
My husband was cocaine/alcohol addicted for the first 8 years of our 20 year marriage. I have 3 kids age 18, 16 and 13 so I am a bit better off then you age wise with the kids. My older ones are so indepedent and have a life of there own that my biggest concern is with my daughter.
He has been clean 12 years but addicts have addictive personalities to everything there whole life. He watches t.v. constantly, works obsessively, diets compulsively etc.
Its very draining to be with someone who just constantly replaces one addiction for another.
Due to his addiction and other problems in our relationship I have decided to divorce him. I have fallen out of love with him and have no respect for him as he is not involved at all in our kids lives. He could care less about them basically, is somewhat verbally abusive to me and we are just on different paths in life.
I had been a stay at home mom for many years and need to support myself also. So I took a job watiressing at a busy restaurnat by our house 5 days a week and am making around 600 a week in tips plus my hourly and its mainly cash. Once we split up and I get my alimony child support I should be fine,its just needing to have enough money to cover my own expenses till that kicks in. He has already threanted to quit his high paying job and work at Blockbuster for 7$ an hour so I can't collect as much support etc.
So, your husband will probably get nasty and threaten you with all kinds of things but you just have to stay strong and remember you only get one life. WHy give up your happiness just so that he can be happy. Its not fair to you and you want your kids to grow up with an example of what a healthy relationship is like. My kids haven't seen that and I wonder what there own marriages will be like.
Hope this helped a bit.!!
Smiles!