new here-long

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
new here-long
6
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 10:49am
Here is my story, it is long. I have been married to my H for almost 4 years. We dated for about 5 years prior to that. We started dating my senior year of highschool to where we are today. My H has always had this undying, passionte love for me. Over the past 2 years or so we definetely has been having some issues. Nothing to major in my eyes. I just thought normal marital issues, that would work out. Let me give you some background of his family. His parents went through a horrible divorce (dragging kids and doing everything possibly wrong that they could to screw up their family even previous to the divorce). I come from a stable family with no major family issues.
We recently had a child who is now 8 months old. He was born prematurely which added to the stress of our relationship. We both also lost our jobs this past year and money has been tight. I was unable to find a job..so i have been staying home with our son. Lately, my H has decided he wants to go out more often with his friends. One night he came home at 3am ( it is like he is trying to relive his college years..he never had). I noticed his phone was on and looked to see who called at 3 am ..another girl. Well onto that issue at x-mas time i come to learn that is unstable sister said he should have an affair with this girl they met who works at a local bar/grill because my H was unhappy. Later on into the month of January, my H tells me that thier is something about this girl..i freak out. He then tells me he thinks it is because he wants to be friends with her. Well, i accuse him of cheating when he wakes up from being out so late..he denies. Well, that escaltes to him saying that he doesn't love me anymore that way he used to and that we are just not going to work. This girl isn't the sole reason for our problems, but she has been becomeing a problem more and more.
All kinds of things have happend..him staying at a hotel, me going away for a few days, fighting, crying, talking,seeing a counselor, etc. FInally, decided that he would move out and we would be seperated. It has been very difficult, because he has no idea what he really wants. The counselor told me at at session by myself he feels that my H is going through a mid-life crisis, but in his late 20's. It is like he looked at his life and just fell over (house, wife, kid etc). Recently, he has decided to talk to his other girl all the time. They talk constantly on the phone, he has sent her flower several times, gone to dinner, and he even told me he kissed her. Then he tries to tell me that he doesn't want a relationship with anybody. He tells me he is lonely and wants compaionship. He also has put a personal ad out. He also says one thing and then does something else (jekyl and hyde).
Recently, he told me that he has though about us getting back together and how he needs to stop talking to his girl..because she is not helping the matter, but the next day he changes his beat. With all that is said emotionally, he keeps saying that he just doesn't think that we ill work, but he won't go file papers for divorce because we don't have money (what a load of crap). He told me one reason why we had probelms becasue i was to controlling, but it seems like he cannot make a decision worth the life of him. He also seems like he is denying what he want to feel for me. He also tells me he still has a physically attraction to me, but not an emotional anymore.
I have decided to move into my parents house, because i need help with my son. I could care less about the house we have no equity in it and i always did all the house and yard work. Since it is getting nicer he will have to do that. I hate this limbo phase and i have such a hard time dealing with all of this stuff. One day i am doing okay the next i am in tears. It is so hard to believe that he would give up and not want to try. I know many of you have gone through this and really need advice and support. I really don't know what is going to happen. He insists that we are not going to work out, but why won't he do anything about it then (some people have told me he doesn't want to be the bad guy). It has only been 2 months techinally, but in his mind this has been brewing for a couple years (shame on him for not saying anything sooner). Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
In reply to: smarko96
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 11:27am




Hi. Given my own situation I may not be the best person to give advice, but I will tell you my story which is in some way similar. I was high school sweethearts with my stbx. We would have been together 11years this May, married for 3. We seperated last Jan because he was not giving me the attention and affection I needed. I had told him I wanted to seperate for awhile and see what happens well, he got physical and went to jail for domestic violence. I found someone who gave me the affection I needed. Well, my x found out and he proceeded to try and get me to come back, telling me he loved me and he would change, all the while that he was messing with a girl who i used to be friends with. Needless to say i believed him and messed up a good relationship, only to have my stbxh NOT change. I filed in June 04. FF a few months, his gf goes to jail for 4 months and he is once again telling me he is sorry and maybe we should try working it out. Once again he is still seeing her(going to see her in jail 2x week). We do have 2 girls together, 6and 8. He has broken their little hearts so many times too. GF gets out xmas day and he

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: smarko96
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:03pm
i really understand what youre saying about 'if he wants to stay togther why doesnt he try' etc. i went through the exact same thing. and he even admitted everything was his fault, and he didnt want to divorce, but he wouldnt even try to change.
its frustrating, isnt it?
and very hurtful. you think 'if you love me and want to stay married and realize youre messing up then why the %*@# wont you try to do anything?!'
i dont know, i dont have any advice.
that feeling is still there somewhat for me. its faded a lot, but it does confuse me still. i have thought and thought about it and i have no answer for WHY. i mean, i guess it all comes down to yes he wanted to stay married, but not enough to do anything about it.
which is hard to accept, but it will get easier.
so i guess i have no advice, but i just wanted to say i understand.
good luck!
:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: smarko96
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:52pm

Hello..


Welcome to the boards!


I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.


Your story is not uncommon, there are a lot of people on this board who married their high school sweeties and ended up divorcing, for various reasons. I really hope that those people can help you through this tough spot.


I do want to say, what helped me in the limbo state was to seperate myself from him. Moving was definitely a good choice. That will help you live your life. Let him worry about the house. It is tough having a little one. I was 4 months pregnant when my H left me. We also had a then 4 year old son. I had to do it all alone, I am happy to hear you have help. My family deserted me when my H left. Even though my H left me for another girl ( I use that term loosely because she is 10 years younger than him, a teenager when they met ) Anyway, family, friends and separation from him and the life you had with him are VERY important. Definitely the best advice I can give.


We hope to see you a lot more on the board. Welcome again and Hugs to you!


Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
In reply to: smarko96
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:18pm
What you said about the early mid life crisis reminds me of my STBX. He just seems to want to go out drink party, blow maoney and be free. He is smoking and acting just like he did when we first met. We actually have 2 kids and he is giving me everything to make up for his guilt. It is very hard but I have decided to let him go. I can't keep waiting up all night and making up reasons to my 6 yr old for him to be out all night. I have more self respect than to let this continue. As for there being someone else so far that hasn't happened but I can see it happening. So we are just going to end it and life will go on. My dad once told me that sometimes you have to love a person enough to let them go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: smarko96
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 6:16am

Your dad sounds like a wise man.


Sometimes the hardest part is realizing that we aren't happy with who they are. ( staying out all night etc.. ) That helps us separate ourselves and begins us in healing.


No doubt this will be the toughest road you will ever walk....but you can do it. And it will get better.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: smarko96
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 9:05am
Do YOU want it to work out? Forget ANYthing he says & look at your life? If you truly love him, are IN LOVE with

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