New Here Long Story In Need Of Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
New Here Long Story In Need Of Advice
4
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:04am

Married in 2003, found out he was cheating a month later, followed by physical abuse, then wouldn't allow me to see my side of the family for more than one day a week, and would time how long we were over there so we could make up that time to his family. Had a son in 2004, the abuse continues, left him went back because he promised to go to marriage counseling with me, tried marriage counseling but he decided he didn't need help because nothing is wrong. Then he left because his reserve unit became activated. Saw this as my opportunity to leave him without the risk of more physical abuse, so packed up his belongings and informed his parents of situation and moved his things back to their house. his parents hate me because he tells them lies, that nothing ever happened when he admitted everything to our counselor!

I file for divorce in April 2006, took me awhile to file becuase it was hard decision I had told him it was over in January, yes while he was overseas. Then I find out he is already talking to an ex gf of his so I ask my attorney if it is ok for me to start dating also he says yes. I don't for awhile and then i meet this great guy in early july and we hit it off and both care about the other, STBX finds out in August and decides to send threatening messages to my bf saying that he is giong to kill him and shoot him and beat him up and a lot of other things. I inform his commanding officer who tells him that he faces jail time and has broken the law. Dear STBX of course doesn't tell his parents any of this so they still hate me. Then in September my bf came home for 6 weeks he is in the NAVY and we are now 12 weeks pregnant. STBX doesn't know about baby yet. Then STBX gets back in the states and I let him see our son one weeknight and every other weekend but no over nights because he's only two.

I tell STBX that he can either agree to everything I want with the divorce or he can face the jail time. (I didn't realize that was blackmail I thought it was a plea bargain.) He says fine he will agree. So here we are to this week. He comes into my work to return son's blanket then he grabs my hand and tells me this is your last chance, I look and him and say for what? he says for us to be together, this is the last chance I am going to give to you to be with me. I tell him no.

So he leaves fine, ever since then he as been a total ass towards me, he refuses to listen to what I try and say to him, son is sick right now so I was trying to tell him the directions on medicine said yeah i'm listening, asked him not to take son outside unless it really warms up (we're in kansas it's cold here) i ask him again if he is listening and he says yeah don't take him outside unless he really wants to go out. I said no, unless it warms up because he is sick!!! I tell son bye and to be good and that was then end of that.

I am caught in the middle right now though becuase I don't know if I should just go ahead and have my bf press charges against him and let him go to jail and go on with the divorce becuase then I would get sole custody of my son, or if I should just go on with the divorce and hope that he willl agree to what I want. Please in need of some serious advice thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 12:49pm
Sounds like you're really going through the emotional wringer. Your STBX sounds dangerous -- manipulative and potentially unstable. Regardless of what your BF decides to do, please, please, please talk to your attorney about the most effective method for putting physical and legal barriers between him and you/your little guy. Given what you have said about his past behavior and his state of denial about any emotional/self-control issues, it seems unlikely that he can be counted on to do what's best for you or even to keep to his side of a bargain. You need to make sure that he is being held accountable by the authorities (his CO, a judge, etc.) for complying with any and all custody agreements/restraining orders you may get. Please be careful, and make sure you find some good trustworthy friends/family to call on for support and help. It's so hard to have a toddler and be pregnant at the same time. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be feeling right now. Take care of yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:17pm
Hang in there! I don't have a lot of advice, but I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. My main concern is your little guy. He did not ask for this and from your post it sounds like your stbx is extremely unstable and downright dangerous. You must do whatever it takes to protect your little one and make sure that he is never in a situation where he could potentially be abused, physically or mentally. You need to report your stbx and make sure every abusive action he has ever done is noted, so that he does not gain custody or unsupervised visitation rights especially for lengthy periods of time or really any length of time. I hope all works out for you, but right now your main concern should be your son and the soon-to-be bundle of joy. I fear your stbx may harm your son in order to retaliate against you. Press Charges - press charges - press charges! I live in Kansas too and don't want to be reading about you &/or your son in the papers.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:32pm

I agree with the other posters: your ex sounds quite an abusive person, and definitely not to be trusted. Lucky you have your new BF, or you may have said "yes" to a new chance, and get into even more abuse and unhappiness.

You must be very tired, with a toddler, a baby coming, and such a situation. Scared too.
See your doctor to see if he can help - vitamins, time off work (if you work), and also to document your condition and your need for help and support (who knows...). Also, see your lawyer, and make sure you document in a diary all facts - dates, actual facts, situations, sentences, phonecalls. Don't put down emotions and feelings, just the facts - you may need to refer to exact times in a court, and you need documentation. Whenever there is a witness, write down name, time, location.

Try not to turn your little one against his father. As bad as the father is, in doing so you will also harm in turn the self respect your child has for himself. a small child perceive the father as part of what he is... so you don't want to destroy that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:12pm

I, too, am new to this site. I can always use input, and would love to help someone else that needs some insight. I married at 19, despite my family wishes and insight. I saw all the signs prior to getting married, but was too proud to admit I might be wrong. I am so sorry you have suffered at the hands of someone else. None of should tolerate that, but we do, don't we? All the reasons in the world for hanging on, he didn't mean it, it was my fault, if only I weren't so stupid. Sound familiar? I don't know the specifics of your situation and that's okay. I, too, was punished for his anger, anything could set him off. I learned that I should keep my mouth shut, tried to speak with his mother, whom he is very close to, but all she said to him was "his name", why did you do that? Can't tell you how many times that happened. Bruises, hurt, humiliate, explained away, go away. What I know for sure, the emotional and mental side don't show and they don't heal. Finally got up the courage, with encouragement to file for divorce after 25 years, but the girls and I had to leave and live with my sister and brother-in-law. He was going to stay in our 3 bedroom home. Our stories are not dissimilar, and I am quite positive there are hundreds/thousand/millions more just like ours, with minor variations. I don't know how old you are and I don't know how long you were married, please don't rush into another relationship too quickly. Your first priority should be the son you already have. What we do and allowed to be done creates who they will become in the future. I has taken me 2 years and 8 months to help my daughters (18 and 15) realize that the relationship they saw their mother in is not a normal one. I fear so much that I haven't helped them enough and that they will pick a man just like their Father because that was all they grew up with. I'm not preaching to you honey, I just want you to protect you, your son, and the precious one who isn't here yet. They don't have a voice, you have to be the one to protect them from kneejerk reactions.

Please, at least read this, think about it, and do what you will with it. Can you go to your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, anyone that can help you think through what you should rationally do?

I will pray for you and your sweet innocent children. God Bless!