New Here... Need Advice & To Vent (long)
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| Sat, 12-31-2005 - 11:07am |
Hi, my name is Amy, age 34, from PA and I have decided to delurk.
I recently filed for divorce after 14 years of marriage and 2 daughters, ages 11 and 8. I also got an apartment and moved out almost 4 weeks ago. I know it was hard with it being so close to the holidays and I did not expect to get one so soon, but I had to take it or run the risk of being on a waiting list and being stuck in a situation where we constantly fought and he was very mentally abusive with his favorite name to call me was a "dumb b*!#%h!" I am also starting my 3rd semester at the local university to obtain my Registered Nursing degree with graduation in the spring of 2008.
This is what I have ran into and I wonder if anybody else has experienced this and would like to share or give me some advice:
My oldest daughter has told me she hates me and wishes I was dead! Her father has done nothing to correct this awful and cruel behavior toward me. In fact he tells her I deserve it! I realize she is very angry and perhaps feels abandoned, since he did not alllow me to take the girls when I left. He has also told people I abandoned them and do not want them because I have a boyfriend, which are lies! I would not call the guy I have became friends with my boyfriend, we are not intimate, but he was recently down this road and we have a lot in common and have spent a lot of time talking via phone and IM. I am not ready for that type of thing, nor is he. My youngest daughter has become very clingy and we talk every day. My oldest could care less.
I am also a product of divorce and know how my parents played us against them. When STBX and I decided this was for the best we agreed this would be amicable and he would not contest. We had decided on shared custody and things of that nature. Now since I am gone, he has decided he will persue full custody and find me an unfit parent!!!
To make matters worse, my youngest daughter told me my father and him have had coffee and talk on a frequent basis and want to continue to have a relationship. I feel my father should be giving me the support, not him. My dad has become somewhat withdrawn from me with this situation, which angers me. My mother has also told me I moved out to play house and turned my back on my kids.
In the meantime, my mother who lives just down the block from my STBX and daughters is not allowed to watch the girls while he works 11-7 or even really see them. They also have not been able to get their Christmas gifts from her!!!
What is wrong with me wanting to be happy and not wanting to continue 2 live in a loveless relationship? He has told me I have only been good for a pc of a@#, when he needs it! This is not something I thought of overnight... We have had serious problems for several years of our marriage and the last 3 years have become worse and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. It has taken several hours of therapy, meds and learning to be assertive to make this decision and realize I can make it on my own with my girls and want nothing more than for them and myself to be happy and not be in a situation that is not getting better, but worse and for me to go after my goal of being a nurse, which both the STBX and my mother feel I will never succeed at it!
I have never been more sure of what I want in life! One way or another 2006 will be a better year, even if the road is a bit bumpy.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Happy New Year!

You should really talk to an attorney from what my friends told me before I filed/finally did get divorced, they told me if I left the marital house without the child(ren) you can be charged with abandonment.
But I never left without my DD. I kicked him out and my attorney said I could of charged him with abandonment even though I kiked him out it was the fact that he never attempted to come back.
Consult an attorney and good luck in both being free and becoming happy and moving toward a better life for you and your children.
RN,
Your situation has similarities to mine. I left my home to stay with my parents last July for a few weeks to think things through. I spoke with two attys who said that if I left the home that I should find an apartment where I could set up a home for my children. Well, I moved back into the marital home at the end of July (he filed for divorce at about that time) and stayed at the house in August. After I could no longer stand it, I moved into a 3 bedroom apartment Sept. 1st. (I have 2 children as well).
He threatened me that he was going to get full custody and that never worked. In fact, when we went to court in November the judge granted my request of equal parenting time. I have a male friend who also lives in PA and is getting ready to go through a divorce. He said that according to 2 different attys he spoke to that PA is a very mother friendly state and so I don't think you have to worry about being accused of abandonment or having your children taken away from you. Make sure to specify that you felt "threatened" in the home and did not feel safe and that you had to get out. Judges will take this into consideration.
My children were angry and confused too, but they seem to be coming around. At least they don't have to listen to parents fighting anymore. My husband also accused me of having an affair and my kids got wind of it and my 12 year old daughter told my best friend's daughter "My mom had an affair." Of course she heard that from her dad. Getting out of that environment was the best thing I could have done for my sanity and I don't miss him one bit.
He can threaten to pursue full custody, but don't worry because the state of Pennsylvania makes the final decision, NOT YOUR HUSBAND. The only way they would grant full custody to him is if they were able to prove that you are a truly unfit mother (alcoholic, drug addict, etc.), and that is extremely difficult to do. Your oldest daughter does not hate you - she's just very confused.
You deserve to be happy and shouldn't have to stay in a miserable environment. You're doing the right thing. Keep moving forward and don't let him manipulate you or intimidate you back into the house where you will be miserable.
Hang in there, Belinda