New here need advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
New here need advise
9
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:43pm
Okay so to try to make my story short... I've been married for 10 years in August known my H for 11. We have 2 boys and he has one from a previous marriage. He moved out a month ago. This being about the 4th time he's left. He tells me he misses things around here but he misses his dreams more. Now I realize at the moment he's being selfish and is confused. I still love him very much and want this marriage to work. For about a week he would see me online and strike up a conversation. Then he decided he was probably giving me false hope and shouldn't do that after having moved out. I realize this time around I am partly to blame in not meeting his needs. I also know I'm not the only one to blame but at the moment he is closed off and doesn't think we can ever be together. Now everything he's saying I've heard in the past and so far every time he's come back. I really believe we are meant to be together and that the best for everyone would be to stay together. I'm a stay at home mom with only a handful of people to talk too. At the moment I'm trying to get a job considering I have no income other then what he gives me each month. One of our issues being he's tired of being the only income. I'm willing to get a job to help out. I almost had one last year and HE decided maybe I shouldn't because then neither one of us would see the kids. So I don't really think me not working is the root problem. Since he's left a few times and I know him as well as I do I believe he has internal issues that he needs to deal with. We have gone to counciling in the past but this time he was very adament about not going. I'm trying to give him his space and time to figure out what he needs too but it's hard. I guess I just need to know I'm not the only one going thru the pain and misery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:36pm

At this point sending you hugs, because I am real short on wisdom these days.

I would certainly pursue individual counseling if not marriage counseling. It will give you support irl!

I know how tuff it is to be a sahm and facing this. Me too.

Stay around; I am sure others will have more insight.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 11:15am

Lil,


Hi. It sounds like your husband refuses to take responsiblity for his part of the problems in your marriage. A marriage is two people, not one, and that means you BOTH have to take responsibility for what's going on in your marriage. His refusal to go back to counseling is also

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 10:04pm

I agree it does take two and I'm working on my end of the problems. Just a shame he can't do the same. Every time he leaves it's for a different problem. Though I think they're just excuses because he doesn't really KNOW what the problem is. He just knows he's not happy. Or thinks he's not anyway.

I am still in contact with the counselor that we went to previously. It helps to talk to people but nothing takes away this pain and loneliness. I have my okay days and I have my I just want to lay down and not get up days. Which isn't doable especially since I have 2 youngsters running around. I know people are trying to help and be supportive of me but I get tired of hearing you have to keep on living for you and your kids. One day you'll be better. Which I'm not saying will never happen, but 1) I am still living this hasn't shut me completely down 2) At this point I don't see the better part. I truly believe the best thing for all of us including my H is for us to be a family. Deep down I don't think he wants another divorce (I'm wife # 2).

It helps to read other's stories and suggestions. Nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way or going thru this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 6:12pm

Well I picked my kids up from his place a little bit ago and just need to talk I guess. He told me he had a bad weekend. A little back history he's been married before and has a 14 year old son from that marriage. Well his son is in town visiting no not him but his grandparents. His son has decided he doesn't want to talk to him much less see him. Well somehow My H and his brother managed to get the son and my H at the same place and that didn't go well at all to say the least. My 7 year old told me they had a bad discussion and then his son told him he didn't want to talk to him anymore. Now I know how bad this upsets my H. I feel so bad for him and want to comfort him, but of course can't because we're not close now. After I got home I called and left him a message just to say I'm here if you want to talk....

Another thing my 7 year old told me was that he had asked daddy if or when or why he was coming home and my H told him he was afraid too... So me sitting here hearing this am hoping there's still a chance for us. I mean he's told me several times he doesn't know that he wants to risk coming back and things ending up being the same way because he can't live like that anymore. I've realized my mistakes and I'm working on myself to do better but I'm not the only one in this marriage so until or if he decides to "risk" it I'm trying to give him the space that he needs. I want to be hopeful but am afraid too.

Anway thanks for listening to me talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:14pm
I guess I need to vent. My H is having a hard time right now with his oldest son. I called him last night left a message just to say if you want to talk I'm here. Never heard from him. Then this morning he sends me an im that says thanks for the message I appreciate it. Well the conversation ends up turning to us. He likes to use analogies to describe us. The latest one being say you're planning to go to Chicago everything is laid out and for whatever reason you get delayed. You can still get to Chicago (that being a happy life) just not on the same plane (that being my husband). He says don't get me wrong I loved you but right now I don't trust anyone enough to love and plan a life with. Yet while he had the kids over the weekend my 7 year old said something to him about coming home and he said he was afraid too. So I guess I'm wondering if I still have a chance? I love and miss him so much I can't imagine a life without him. Don't get me wrong I'm coninuing to live and go on but I'm in pain as well. I've been praying and soul searching but it feels like I'm at an impass. Wondering if there's still hope....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 12:31am

Hi..This is my first time to post. I am going thru the same exact situation that you are just add drinking as a BIG problem for us. My husband has been gone for a little over a month now and it has been terrible. He is also saying that he does not know what he wants and that he does not want to come home and than leave again. I am so lost at this point. When I make him mad he will say he wants a divorce, but than when he is not mad at me he says he does not know what he wants. I am at this point trying to just give him time and space, but that is so hard to do. I feel like he is just trying to push me away or see how far he can take this. The worst part is my boys who are 10,8,and almost 4 miss their daddy so much. We all are having a heck of a time adjusting to all of this. I am holding out hope that this soon will work out one way or the other cause I am not sure how much more of this I can take...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 7:02pm

I know what you mean. As hard as this is for me I feel worse for my kids. Course My H told my 7 yr old he had his apartment for a year so now my son says daddy has an apartment but will be back in a year. Who knows if that'll happen or not. But I'm not going to be the one to tell him that it may not.

I really hate this. Nothing about this feels right to me. I truly believe we are better together then we ever will be apart. At this point my H has no desire to work on our marriage so I'm just trying to do what I can for me and my kids.

I found another site that has been really helpful to me its

www.divorcebusting.com

They also have forums you can post on and articles to read. I've found some really useful info there. I even bought a couple of her books and started reading one today. Who knows if any of it will bring my H back but it's also designed to help you get back "you" and to be okay no matter what the outcome may be. Needless to say I'm not to that point yet. :)I just want my H back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:57am

I understand completely how you feel. My H is living with a single guy friend though. He also has has no desire to work on our marriage at all, which makes me feel like he has given up completely. I want nothing more than to keep our marriage together but I also know I am not the only one who can work on the marriage. It is nice to know that I am not the only person going threw all of this. Thanks for your reply.

Candy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 6:54pm

Candy,

You're definitely not going thru this alone. If you get on the forums of that web site I last posted you'll seen TONS of people going thru the same feelings and emotions. It really is nice to know we aren't alone in this and others know exactly how we feel.

Yeah I want more then anything to make my marriage work but at the moment my H is not even willing to try. It hurts to see how emotionally detachted he is from me now. I don't know how to do that. How to stop caring after 11 years. Or give the appearence of not caring.

He stopped by for about an hour today. There was hardly in talking between us, but I watched out the window as he left. He stopped to pet the dog and let me tell you he looked miserable. So I'm hoping he's still confused and doesn't know what he wants. I know he told our 7 yr old that he was afraid to come home..... I try not to read too much into things he says and does but....

Until he decides he doesn't want to give up on us or his family I have to hope and pray and do whatever I can to bring him back around. Which everyone seems to agree would be to back off and give your spouse space. Don't talk to them, contact them, nothing. Unless you have kids and then keep the conversation on them. Let me tell you that is the absolute hardest thing in the word to do. I've just recently started doing that. Don't know if it'll make him stop and think but at the least I'm not getting new frustrations and pain.

Cindy