New here, need some support....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
New here, need some support....
10
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:07am

Well, after almost 17 years of marriage and 1/2 my life with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, he was served divorce papers 6/16.

A little intro. My name is Jenn, I have two children, one DS 16, and one DD 11.

I have been emotionally and physically abused (a few times but I shouldn't have stayed past one) and belittled for the last 10 years of my life. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough (even when I was thin), kept a nice enough house, made enough dinners, etc.

A few years ago, my husband had a new guy start at work. He and his wife were from out west and knew no one. So, they (new couple and hubby and work buddies) hung out often. Then he FINALLY introduced her to me and I made the mistake of letting her into my family. Her 3 year marriage ended in divorce (which makes me wonder more), her and her hubby split and she was going back out west. Well, until her house was sold, she practically lived with us, especially on the weekends. Literally did everything with me and my family. I loved her and trusted her....as did the rest of my family, especially my DD, but I always had this "hunch" when her and my STBX were around each other.

So, she leaves. I notice all these cell phone calls, restricted ones, for literally hours at a time! A couple times I caught him calling her after she left, sneaking outside, etc. Well, I finally found a text on his phone "love you miss you very much". Well, it's been downhill since then, thus leading to the divorce. I resorted to the digital recordings and sadly heard more than I wanted to hear but knew I was going to hear it.

I have been living in hell for the last year and finally, reached my breaking point! And how ironic, the day he got his papers, I found a check (apparently torn up by the mail service) in the driveway, written out to her, for $170 odd dollars with the memo "Many GF :)" and it doesn't mean "Good Friends". It was like a sign, as silly as that may sound.

So here I am. My DD is very resentful to me, which is killing me, my DS is 16 so he's just going with it but very supportive to me, my STBX claims he's looking for an apartment but is still in the house, just like nothing even happened.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done but the most satisfying thing about it all was when he said to me, "I didn't think you would ever do this". Ah, that's right! Jenn FINALLY FOUND A BACKBONE AND STUCK UP FOR HERSELF, FOR ONCE!!!!

I'm sorry this is so long and thank you if you made it this far. It's hard to really shorten the story, it's a sad but very common tale. I look forward to talking to others, distraction is important otherwise I feel like I could go crazy!

Thanks again!
Jenn in CT

Jennifer

Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)

and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:14pm

Hi Jenn-

I know all too well what you are talking about. Giving your heart and soul to one person for the better part of your adult life only to have them discard you like an empty hamburger wrapper. Doing everything you can to make that person happy to have them tear you down every chance they get. It sucks! I lived with the cheating, lies, empty promises, emotional, verbal and sometimes (rarely) physical abuse for 15 years. Why??? Because I was scared of being alone, scared of being a single mother, scared I wouldn’t make it financially.

Like you, I eventually had enough. I packed up his belongings while he was on vacation (supposedly a business trip) with the woman he was having an affair with. I piled everything into his car which he had left parked at his office. He was embarrassed because everyone at his work saw the car filled to the ceiling with black trash bags. BOO HOO! How did he think I felt when I had to call his office looking for information about where he was staying on his business trip (because he wouldn’t call me) only to find out he was on vacation?

Trust me, things will get better for you. I HATED the person I became when I was married to my ex. I was so bitter because of the way he treated me. As time passes you will become more confident in your decision. The hardest thing to overcome is the hurt caused by someone who supposedly loves you. It may never go way completely, but it will subside. It has been 3 years for me. I am very fortunate now to have found someone who is extremely patient and understanding of what I went through. He tells me all the time what a wonderful wife I am. I also know I am a better mother to my DD(16) and DS(12) because I am not so wrapped up in my unhappiness while futilely attempting to make my ex happy. He NEVER deserved all the time and effort I put into our marriage.

Karen

P.S. Where do you live in CT? I was born in Bridgeport, lived in Monroe until I was five, then moved to Vernon where I lived until I went to college. My parents still live there, but I now live in NH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:49pm

Hi Karen! First let me thank you for your input. Right now I am just so hurt, deep deep hurt, it's just awful. Trying to understand how he could do this to me. Mostly because I let him. He was/is a control freak, treated me like such garbage for years and years and years. The emotional/verbal abuse was the worse. He has made me feel like a dog, heck, a flea on a dog, I have lost so much of MYSELF being with him.

And as I sit here and write this, it just kills me. How can I love someone so much STILL after all these years of abuse? I think it would be so much easier if I hated him, I always tried to make him happy, I was desperate for his love and attention and he only gave it to me at his convenience.

And this is all just worse because my best friend moved to AZ, left last night, we even worked together! UGH! My DD hates me right now, is blaming me for the ENTIRE thing (of course, she doesn't know the details) but I am so overwhelmed with emotions.

You're right, this all just sucks. And he's just so "normal" and I'm a basket case! I have been a basket case for so long and it seems he's never skipped a beat!

I live in Ellington and work in VERNON! Wow, what a small world! I have lived in Ellington since I got married in 1989 and have worked in Vernon for 9 years! We were probably neighbors once! Pretty neat!

Thanks again for listening to me, God, I'm a mess.
Jenn

Jennifer

Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)

and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm

Hi Jenn-

I know how low you feel. I used to tell my ex I was the lowest thing on his priority list. First, of course, was his stupid job, then came the kids. I often told him I was lower than our dogs on his list. You’re right the verbal and emotional abuse totally wrecks your self-esteem (not that I had very much to begin with). I also lost a lot of myself trying in vain to make him happy. I felt like a complete failure and he reminded me of this all the time. Then, after we divorced, he told me he still loved and cared so much for me and he still wanted to be friends. NO THANKS! Why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me so horribly???

Do you truly love your husband or are you hanging on to a memory? My ex-husband was the only man I had ever been with. I never dated because no one ever asked. I was 25 when I met him. I was so naïve, he swept me off my feet. I spent so many years putting up with his crap because I believed we were destined to be together. WHAT A CROCK!

My kids pretty much accepted our divorce. Although, I think my son had a little bit of a hard time with the loss of “the family”. Not that we ever did anything together anyway-my ex traveled out of the country about 60% of the time. My daughter knew everything about her father. She even caught him telling his GF “I love you” on the phone one night-we were still married but not for much longer after I found out about that affair and another he had had the year before.

I have 2 sisters who live in Ellington and another who lives in Manchester. If you feel like talking you can e-mail me through my profile.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:35pm

Karen, I can't email you through your profile.

Here's my email, I'd love to chat. jnfner6@yahoo.com

Thanks again!

Jennifer

Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)

and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 3:08pm

Hi Jenn and Karen!

I too am new here. I read both of your posts and totally amazed how similar our situations are. I too didn't date when I was younger. I met my STBX when I was 27. I stood by him even when his family and friends turned their backs on him. When he had to move to AZ with his mom to get his life straight, I flew out to see him and ran up my phone bill trying to keep my relationship with him.

When he moved back to Indiana, we moved it together. We had our problems but we always managed to get along. I was totally into him and making him happy. We lived together for 6 years before we got married 2 years ago. While people's weddings are the beginning for them, ours was the end. 6 months after our wedding he started an affair with one of the girls at work. He had the affair for 2 months before I found out. I had my suspisions but everytime I confronted him about it he told me I was being paranoid and that he wasn't cheating on me. When I asked him why all the calls to his girl, he said that they were just friends. I wanted to so much to believe him that I made myself believe him. After I found out about his affair, he begged me to give him another chance. Because I loved him and I didn't believe in divorce, I took him back.

The first 3 months of our reunion was good. Then he met one of his friends and co-worker's wife. She was going to a divorce herself so he introduced her to me. He said he wanted me to be with someone that I could hang out with and leave him a lone. This girl was over at our place a lot of times. I talked to her everyday and supported her through the whole divorce thing and also with her dying grandmother. My STBX and I even drove her to KY to see her grandmother before she die. She started calling my STBX more and more. STBX told me she was calling to find out from him what her husband was saying and doing at work.

Then he started being gone more and more until he eventually left me last September. He said he just need time to be alone. Yeah right! He needed time to cheat and sleep around with her. Then she finds out she was pregnant. Neither one of them would say who the baby's father is whether it is my STBX or her estrange husband. To jump to present day, he bought a house with her and they are now living together with 'their' daughter. STBX says even if she's not biologically his he was going to be her father. This hurts me more than I can ever say. I wanted to have a family with him. We actually talked about it. We were even having a house built last summer. Then he decides he wants his own biological child. The problem is I can't have children. Before we got married we agreed to adopt but of course he was changing his tune.

I hate the fact that I befriended this girl and took her in as one of my close friends. To have them both betray me is more than I can handle. What is more is they were talking and 'being together' right under my nose. To me they belong together because they are both heartless and liars. They are selfish and don't care how their actions effect other people. To me they are nothing more than white trash that I hope Karma kicks with the best its got.

Like both of you, I am having trouble accepting that someone who claimed to love me and say I was his world would do this to me. How can someone downshift so fast. I wish I hated him because like you said it would be easier. The problem is I don't. I still love him. Then I think about whether my feelings for him are real or if I am reflecting on the good times we had toegher. I am so confused right now I don't know what is coming and going.

I have been in counseling through all this. I was so messed up in the beginning that to get out of bed was a task that required every ounce of strength I had. It upsets me that he's just living a happy life with a new family while I am hurting and in total misery. It just doesn't seem to be fair. I don't like to wish people ill will but they have hurt me so much that I hope they experience the same pain and agony that they caused me. And through all this my STBX is shock that I am being so vindictive. HELLO! Who wouldn't?

As bad as this is all, I'm glad to know that I am not going through this alone. That there are people out there going through the same exact thing I am. I would love if we could support each other and show these low lifes what they gave up and how sorry their lives really are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 5:31pm

star...

you're not alone. my story is similar to yours in that i had been trying to have a family with my STBX for 8+ years, but his business, friends, golf, alcohol, etc., were much much more important to him. he was so not interested in seeking treatment for our infertility and was even more absent and unsympathetic to the emotional turbulence and instability infertility creates.

THEN recently, he compared me to skank GF saying she's this, that, supportive & how he couldn't wait to divorce me to start a family with her??? that hit below the belt. but people absolutely cannot live happy, seamless lives when they treat other people, especially the ones they claimed to love at one time, like dirt. the universe isn't designed like that; karma is justice. let them go off and have their children with women who have no idea the significant issues these men possess. i feel for the children. but until, women, collectively, will stand up to men with integrity and NOT give them the time of day if they are married OR separated, these scenarios will continue to flourish and contribute to the considerably high divorce rate in this country.

unfortunately, society, seemingly caters to the needs of men, laws and standards designed by men, and women just give up mostly everything (self-esteem, goals, independent thought), to ensure that their "man's" needs are always met and are always priority. so often, we find ourselves competing with one another, taking each other's man, because when "your man ends up with me, he'll NEVER treat me like he treated you" (yeah, right).

but in some cases, thankfully, one day, we wake up, tap into our empowered spirit & endeavor to move on. and for THIS, we are often cruxified through cruel, controlling, selfish & hurtful behavior and consequences (i'm speaking from much, much experience relative to my current divorce process).

on the other side, we emerge often wounded, but the important thing is that we emerge ... hang in there, you are NOT alone; context loves company ...

hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 6:59pm

HUGS, Jenn, and welcome to the board! I'm from CT, too. West Haven, to be exact. But as you know, it's a small state ;)


First, I know this may sound strange, but congratulations! I'm congratulating you for finding the inner strength to leave a terrible situation. I know all too well how easy it is to stay, but how frightening and overwhelming to leave.


Your daughter may feel resentful and sullen right now, but give her time. My DS is 11 also, and it's a tough age. They're right on the brink of independence, but they still need you. Encourage her to talk to you about how she's feeling. And if that's not enough, there's always the option to have her try some counseling sessions.


I know you have a long road ahead of you. Please post often. There are ladies from all different phases of the divorce process that post here - anywhere from considering divorce to having been divorced for several years. It great to have so many different perspectives. I've found this board to be a lifesaver. Hang in there!




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 10:56pm

Thank you for your post and reply.

I know all to well the awful feeling you have watching your husband and his gf start a family. I was just talking to my STBX on instant messenger last night and he's gushing about how cute this baby is and how he love her and being a father. It totally tore me up. It was like he poured salt on my open wounds.

When I was friends with the gf, she told me how awful she felt when her husband cheated on her. She said she would never do something like that to another woman especial a friend. I guess she's retracting her statement because she did exactly like that. I do feel for the children in this case because STBX and gf are not fit to be parents. First, the gf has 2 children with her husband. One she lost her parental rights to because of suspicion of abuse and the other one she only sees 6 hours a week and it has to be supervised. Now mind you Indiana is a for mother state so to have her children taken from her they must have some pretty strong evidence against her. And now they have this baby and I can tell you my STBX has never handled a baby before. Heck! He couldn't even change the litter in the litter box for our cats. I just find it very upsetting and sad that another woman who has experienced the pain would purposely inflict the same pain to another woman. And not just a stranger but a friend. I try to see it from their point of view and I just can't. I can't go down that low.

I do hope karma visits them because they have caused a lot of pain for a lot of people. I don't know how they can sleep or be happy with themselves doing what they did. My prayer is that someday STBX will look back on this time and regret everything he's ever done to me. What is more is I hope he ends up alone and that she does too. I really don't like to wish bad things on people but they have hurt me so much that it would be such an injustice if they have a good life while I suffer from their actions.

They say if you start accepting things that it will be a first step and that it would make things easier. I've tried for several months to accept all this but I can't do it full. I am still in disbelief and in shock even though it has been months since my STBX separated. I wonder everyday when all this will end. I know people say this will pass and that it will take time. When you're in the kind of pain that we are in we want some type of time frame as to when this nightmare will end. I am so tired of crying, feeling sad, feeling rejected, feeling abandon, feeling betrayed, and at times feeling hopeless everyday. Living with ths pain everyday you sometimes forget what it felt to feel good.

Is it normal to want to see your STBX suffer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:16pm

how grossly inappropriate for your STBX to go on and on about his baby KNOWING that it would devastate you ... why would he do that?!! it's like the pain never stops; the ache is overwhelming to deal with in my case, just dreading the day that STBX can't wait to tell me that he and shank GF are "having a baby."

i don't like to wish ill on anyone either, but would it be so bad if the universe deals us some positive progress, happiness, and peace. why is it that the people who have wronged us significantly able to move on seamlessly and happily and without ANY regard to our existence, contribution, and value to our union--this i fail to understand. but post after post, many many STBX or EXs have done exactly that, moved on like their wives' lives meant NOTHING. it feels like a further validation of the generalization that women are simply objects to men, and i don't like to generalize, but by the considerable examples, it appears to be so.

hang in there & if you ever want to chat more, i'm available through email via my profile ...

hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 8:51pm

I totally agree with everything you said in your post....word for word. I fail to understand how men can forget about the lives they had with their wives. Go out there and start over like their wives didn't exist. I also do not understand how they can calm to love their wives and yet turn around and hurt her in the worst way possibly.

I am so tired of seeing the bad guys have the happy lives and us struggling to just exist. It is just not fair. I pray that one day all the EX's out there especially mine get several visits with karma. I hear sayings like "what comes around, goes around", "you get whatever you put in", and "karma will get them". Then you look around and you wonder when does this happen. From where I am sitting, my STBX is just happy as can be with his new found family. It is like I never existed in his life or I never made any contribution to it. All of the sudden his hussy gf gets all the credit for his happiness. It becomes ok to hurt me and protect someone else he just bet. And him wondering why I'm so vindictive. Geez, I don't know.

My STBX actually told me he wanted to be friends with me. That I'm more than welcome to go by their house and see their new baby. When he said this I could not believe what an idiot I had married. He does not understand the extent of the pain they both causes me nor do they care. The only truth I think my STBX ever said to me is "I don't care".

I would love to chat with you. Though I have my family and friends are around to support me, it is different to talk to someone that is going through the same thing as me. I think some of my friends and family are tired of hearing the same thing come out of my mouth about my STBX and are wondering when I'm going to get over it. I hate it when people expect those in pain and going through a hard time to 'snap out' of it. They want you to be healed the next day. When I try to explain why their expectation is unrealistic, they make me feel that I'm not doing enough to get over it.

Has anyone ever experienced this with their family and friends?