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| Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:44am |
Hi Everyone,
Well, I'm new to this board, I come from the Betrayed Spouses board. My H had a year long affair. I found out about it 5 days before Christmas last year. He moved out in January and was "on the fence" until May. We started working on our marriage. Counseling, marriage encounter weekend, dates the whole shabang. We have a ds who is 3. We have been married 6 years, but together 12. I thought we were on the road to recovery. But he had still not moved back in. Soo, in the last couple weeks I could tell that something had changed with him. He totally closed up to me and on Saturday he finally old me that he wanted a divorce. Sigh.
I have to say I am really ok. All I wanted was a resolution and I think I always knew deep down that he wasn't giving us his all, his 100%. And I think things have heated back up with his OW. Something had to have happened. His reasoning when he finally told me was "I just don't have that sexual heat with you"!!!!!! Talk about blow to your ego. We had just recently started to have sex again.
I guess I just need to tell my story. I'm calling the lawyer today and I'm a bit nervous. I am looking for support from you guys on what I'm going to go through, emotionally and otherwise. I am just wondering what exactly I'm in store for.
Could anyone give me some advice or insight????????
Shocked

my divorce came about because of other reasons, and while i was the one who initiated it (ex was abusive emotionally, and had all kinds of sexual issues), but it was still very difficult, the initial stage.
Its hard to say exactly what you can expect, because we are each different. I think that for the most part, you will go thru stages of (not necessarily in this order) sadness, frustraton, anger, and hopefully - you will finally reach the stage of acceptance from which you will be able to 'move on'.
give yourself time. i think its great that you went to couple's therapy, because at least you will feel that *you* gave it 'your all'. it may be helfpul to you to go to a therapist for yourself, someone who will help you thru the process emotionally. at any rate, make sure you have a solid and healthy support system for yourself, and don't be afraid to lean on your friends when you need to. let your DS's teacher (if he is some kind of day care or nursery) what is going on. (they don't need to know ALL the nitty gritty details but just let them know the basics). ask friends and family to be there for your DS - maybe give YOU a break because you are going to need some "alone" time.
Make sure that you also have outlets for your own frustrations - work, exercise, and some kind of relaxation.
hang in there - we are all here for you.
If he's looking for a relationship that has sexual heat, he'd better be prepared to live the rest of his life moving from relationship to relationship... it takes EFFORT to keep the fire going once you get into the other, deeper, more meaningful aspects of a relationship... but if heated sex is all he's looking for, then let him move on.
I'm glad that you've already talked with at attorney.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Amie
Thank you so much for saying that to me. I think WE all know that, but unfortunately STBX is too immature and selfish to fully understand that. I think any normal, mature adult knows that you can't stay "in love" forever and have those passionate feelings you once did when it was all new. But it can grow into a deeper, more meaningful "mature love". That you get from respect and love and committment and friendship. That will happen with ANY relationship. He just doesn't get that.
But thank you again because I am going to try like crazy to not let that comment "I just don't have that sexual heat with you" (ouch) make me have a complex about myself and carry on to my next relationships.
Anyway...todays kinda a low day.
Shocked
Sometimes what we *know* can be overshadowed by what we're thinking for the moment.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
This is a guy's response.
I can't tell you what is in store for you but I can tell you I am in the same boat as you. My wife hasn't been able to tell me any more than "it will take time" and "I need space". I feel the same as you in that although she has agreed to counseling, I think it will still end in divorce but she is afraid to pull the trigger just yet. I don't see her giving 100% either but may be looking for a miracle or a revelation.
Just because he is no longer hot for you, don't you ever think you are not a hottie. I am sure you can and will set another man on fire someday. Think sexy. Take it from a guy, there are plenty of nice honest loving guys looking for a loving trusting woman.
My only advice is to work out as many financial matters without an attorney. Then take it to a mediator and/or an attorney to make sure you aren't getting a raw deal. Do as much as you can with him to split things equally so you don't have to spend a fortune on attorney's fees. Good luck.