New Here! Need Support
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:47pm |
I am just coming out of my shock right now and I really need a place to get this all out. Really don't want to spend time telling all my whole story. God, I wish I could write it but I just don't have the energy. What I will say is I was just served with divorce papers. My husband moved out of the house a week ago. I was in total SHOCK!!!! We had been fighting, but I just thought it was something we were going through. Never would have imagined that it would lead to this - EVER! All of a sudden, I'm an evil person in his eyes and I'm just out to get him. Don't know how it ever came to this, really. I'm just in shock. So in shock - I really can't even type what I'm feeling right now.
Little about me:
I'm a 25 year old Marketing Assistant. Work full time outside the home. 3 small children (5, 4, and 2). Husband left me with NO money - he owns a company that does very well and even though I work - most of what we have came from his job. I don't make nearly as much as he does. He paid the rent this month and said that's all he's going to do financially. So I basically have 1 month to get it together. Find a place and move in with the money that I make. Nevermind that I have NO friends here being that we just moved here in the last 4 months. Whose going to help me move? Well according to him - that's not his problem. I'm a big girl I can figure it out. He's already decided that he's going to have the kids one week and I will have them one week so he doesn't have to pay me child support since he'll have the kids 50% of the time anyway.
So I'm basically stuck. Keep in mind, 2 weeks ago, we were a happy family. Now that I look back - there was something wrong with him for a while and I just brushed it off as work related stress. How naive is that?
My family lives 2000 miles away. I feel that I can't tell anyone because I'm so ASHAMED. I never told my family about our fighting because I thought it would pass. They just think we're living out here a perfect couple/perfect family. I guess it's half my fault I painted such a pretty picture for them. Now I don't have anyone to turn to :(
This is where you guys come in. Just need some support - someone to talk to that knows what I'm going through.
Thanks for listening.


I guess I'm new here too. I can empathize with being and feeling alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This too shall pass. By the way how can he decide what type of child custody arrangement the 2 of you have, especially sence he abandoned the family. Have you gone to court?
Thanks for the empathy. It is truly very lonely right now. I long for someone to just lay with and talk to. Now I know why they call them "rebound" relationships. It would be easy to fall into one!
We haven't gone to court yet. I'm not sure how the child custody thing will work out when it comes down to it because we haven't gone to court. But for the time being - he wants to do one week on one week off. Right now, I'm at the point that I just don't want to argue with him. I'll do it his way right now and when we go to court, maybe we'll set something different up. But for now, we'll do it his way. The kids love him to death and this is just really hurting them. They always ask where is daddy? What am I supposed to tell them? They are too small to understand the truth.
As is life.....
As you can see I too need support. My thoughts are with you.
Please consult a lawyer or an advocate/mediator in your area. He does not get to call all the shots. He will not automatically get 50-50 custody. Do not set a precedent by starting it now. Why do you have to move out? He is putting you in the position of having to come up with security deposit, etc. Is your name on the lease? If he left, I would: talk to an attorney or if you can't afford one go to your family court to petition for custody and a temporary order of support; See if you can gather up bank statments, pension statements, pay stubs etc; Decide what you think that you will do long term - stay in the area or return to where your family is - if you think that you want to return to your family you really do not want to set a precendent of him having them one week and you having them one week; Jot down pertinent anecdotal notes about the times/quality of time he spends with the children - does he work longer hours, who has been responsible for the bulk of the child care,etc - your attorney will want all this information; Go now and remove exactly 1/2 of the cash from any joint accounts; Decide what it is you want from this divorce - it is not all about what he wants. This is a tough time but it is really crucial that you protect yourself and your rights at this time.
Good Luck - Tina
You are in my prayers. It is great if he is a good father to the kids, but understand that the kids have to come first. I really do recommend getting some legal advice before deciding on anything. It is not his decision, it is something that has to be decided with the interest of the children. When the little ones ask where's daddy it is the hardest question, but one that can be simple to answer now "He is away right now." Kids this young shouldn't get anything more than that. Hug your children lots. (I do) Keep focused on the fact that they need you to be there for them and sometimes it gives you a strength you didn't know you had.
Avoid contact with men, yes it would be nice to lay down and just have someone hold you and listen to you and let you cry (daddy wishes), but it would be the worst thing right now. There is this board and depending on where you are, there are some places that offer support groups for single parents (esp single moms). God is with you and so are my prayers.
Please do seek legal counsel before giving into anything he is saying. There is always Legal Aid, and you most likely can qualify since you have 3 children! Please feel free to email me if you would like some direction on where to go. I am a mother of 6, have been a SAHM for 5 years and husband left me, and DIDN'T file for divorce. So I am going to have to so that I can get support and everything. I have researched and am using all the resources I can find. So please if you want some help, let me know.
GOD Bless you
You need to get in touch with your family. You need their support. Having someone to help you through this is important. Please, if you do nothing else today, call your family. Don't let your husband lecture to you how things are going to be. That's not for him to decide. Just for now get your support group in order, because you can believe that if this continues down the path that it's on it's not gonna get easier before it gets harder. He's seem like he's trying to intimidate you. He knows what kind of emotions you are going through right now and he is using that against you. In time you will be able to stand strong but you need your family now!
robin
sorry for this - but PLEASE, don't let your shock and vulnerability freeze you into inaction. you need to contact a lawyer PRONTO, you need to find out what rights you have, your husband can't just 'decide' things - in different states you have different rights .
even tho you are saying that this arrangement (full shared custody) is in the best interest of your kids, it sonds like the only reason your stbx is doing this is to get out of paying CS. I don't know if it is or not in your chidrens' best interest - that is why you have a court system out there.
if your husband left any papers around - take them and make copies right now. if he didn't - then see how much papers you can gathe up from your various bank accounts, retirement funds and so on. remember - knowledge is power.
good luck
I understand. I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you. My H served me in February with no prior warning.
We still reside together pending the sale of our home. We have three litte boys ages 4,7,9.
I fought the joint custody tooth and nail. I can prove I was the primary caregiver since day one. I spent thousands on Attorney fees...close to 8k so far.
We went to court this past wednesday and the judge ruled in favor of the 50-50.
I am devestated. Crushed. He will still have to pay child support as his income is twice what mine is.
Things seemingly have changed and fathers have more rights than ever....
It sucks, but I am trying to see that it will be a positive thing for my boys.
Hugs.
I know you're scared, upset, angry and vulnerable right now, but your ex does NOT get to call all the shots. Get to a lawyer ASAP. Most offer a free initial consultation. The attorney can file temporary orders so you can get some degree of support during the divorce proceedings. Also, 50/50 custody does NOT mean he will necessarily pay no child support. Many courts have become wise to the fact that this is the first thing parents (normally the father) say in order to get out of paying child support. My ex and I have a near 50/50 arrangement, and I still get child support.
As for feeling ashamed - please don't. I felt the same way. Believe me, everyone I told about my divorce was very supportive and helpful. I think you'll be surprised at how helpful people can be.