New here, question about custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
New here, question about custody
10
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:42am

My h and I are headed down the long road to divorce. He comes home at all hours of the night, the other night he did not even come home at all. He will not help pay any of the bills, for the last 3 months I have paid everything except he does pay daycare costs once in a blue moon. A few years ago we moved to another state that is half-way across the country from any of my family. When I called my parents this weekend and told them what had been going on the last several months (well, really several years but it has all come to a head in the last few months) they said they want me to move back there to be close to them so that they can help me and the kids. I have no family here or anyone to help out just in case I needed it.

I am pretty sure that I cannot just up and move the kids back home, so I would need sole custody to have the option to move them. My stbxh has his moments where he says, "You can take the kids and move them closer to your parents" but then there are times he implies that I can't take them anywhere. I am wondering if when he is in one of his amicable moods and realizes that it would be better for the kids to be close to my parents, can I have him write and sign that he waives his rights as the father and gives me sole custody? Does it have to be witnessed or notarized or anything like that to stand up in court in case he changes his mind? My mom said that she would pay for a PI to find out what he is up to so that it could help me get sole custody but I don't want to have to go that route unless absolutely necessary. I think it will just make things get real ugly real fast.

I really appreciate any insight you can give. I feel like my life is falling apart after 11 yrs of marriage and I don't even know where to start. Also, any websites that you could suggest for me to do my research about divorce and the best way to go about it.

Thanks again,
AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 12:35pm

I think I might have read part of your story on one of the "other boards." Is counseling an option to save the marriage - it seems like there is not so good behavior on both sides. A child needs their mother and father in their life, unlike what some people say, unless the child is being psychologically or physically abused or one parent just doesn't want to have the responsibility. You would have to have your husband sign away his rights in a legal document, and he would still be liable for child support. Are you saying you would waive his child support obligations?

As far as the PI - think about it, things tend to work both ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 12:55pm

We have tried marriage counseling. It didn't work. Yes, we have both made lots of mistakes. Our marriage has been so broken for so long that I think it is beyond repair. At this point, he doesn't even want to try and to be honest I am tired of trying and trying and not getting anything in return. In the last few months he has turned into someone that I don't even know. I don't know if he is living a second childhood or what. I am tired of my dd waking up in the middle of the night and asking where her daddy is and the only answer I have is that I don't know.

I do not want to keep him from the kids. I want sole custody so that I can take them across state lines if that is what I decide to do. He would be welcome to come and visit them at any time. When he is around, he is a good father.

My parents think that he may be into drugs and gambling. He blew through $4K in 3 weeks and he has nothing to show for it. I found out that he has been lying to me about him using his money (we have separate bank accounts) to pay off dd medical bills. I found out the other day that he has not paid anything off like he said he had. He is not helping pay any of the bills or provide for the kids and I have been trying to do it all and I feel like I am drowning. DD was up sick last night and he was nowhere around so I got maybe 3 hours sleep a night since Saturday night. I am not worried about a PI digging anything up on me because I have been honest about the bad choices I have made. I think he is in trouble and I am afraid that someone is going to show up at our house one night and what if he is not there? Somehow I don't think they are going to take my word for it that I don't know anything about his life anymore.

AS




Edited 11/1/2005 1:56 pm ET by apparentlystupid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 6:52pm

If anyone did show up at your house, it would be a free ticket to grab the babes and run back home.

Is there any chance he could move back to your home state also? You said he was a good Dad when he is around. Is there any chance that you could talk with him calmly about moving on to a new life as divorced co-parents? Perhaps he would find the idea appealing-- getting his freedom without doing the nasty court thing, seeing the kids well cared-for and happy with all their family around. You know him. Any chance you could sell him on moving back and into separate homes?

If you think it's hard now, with the kids asking, "where is Daddy?" I think it will be harder when you have to say, "he is hundreds of miles away and you won't see him for months and months. Your lives are separate now." They will learn to think of him as a distant uncle. No more Daddy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:57am
Your marriage is obviously in trouble and he isnt man enough to do anything about it, so the next move is going to be up to you. My advice is to file for divorce right away and file for temporary custody until a things are finalized. I'm glad that you have seperate finances, since who knows what kind of things your husband has been doing behind your back. You need to protect yourself legally and financially. He obviously isn't interested in saving your marriage, so why should you have to continue this very one sided relationship. Get the ball rolling. The sooner the better. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:02am

Thanks for your response. I have talked about moving back home many times, even before all these problems and he has said he will never move back. He was born and raised in that town and I am not sure what happened but all of the sudden we were moving across the country and I would have to drag him back home to celebrate Christmas each year. All of both of our families are there and he hates going back just to visit. Now that we are having these problems and he got fired from his job for some bs reason (and the profession that I am in, I know about the legal reasons you can fire someone) a few months ago, I am beginning to wonder if something was going on back home and the reason we moved is because he was running from something.

I am so lost and confused right now. I don't know the right thing to do. Being back home with the support of my family would make mine and my kids' lives so much easier. However, their dad wouldn't be a part of their life as much as he is now. My mom calls me every day about new info that she got about moving with kids or a job for me to apply for and she said that she and my dad would even buy a bigger house so that me and the kids would each have our own bedroom, etc. My kids are the only grandkids and they miss their grandparents tremendously but how do I trade a dad (even if he would be a part time dad) for grandparents and uncles and aunts? My brother has a nice job where he gets off in the early afternoon and he could pick up the kids from school everyday and he is off on every imaginable holiday, my sil is a doctor so she has been offering advice in case I moved without a job and health insurance for the kids. I really wonder how much they would really see their dad if we did move out and get our own place. Several nights a week he doesn't come home until 1 or 1:30 am and of course they are already asleep and he is gone to work before they wake up. He comes home to crash and get clothes.

I'm rambling, sorry. I am just trying to work through this. My greatest fear is that I make the wrong decision and screw up my kids. I will be paying for therapy for them for the rest of my life, lol!!

AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:14am

Thank you. My mom called this morning and she talked to a friend of hers that has experience with these type of things and her friend said that I should get back home asap and then file for divorce and temp custody in my home state because then the proceedings will be held in my home state but if he files here, then the court is more app to frown on me moving with the kids to another state. Part of me feels like I deserve to be able to move back home and have a much easier and less stressful life (having a support system) but then part of me feels like no matter what he is their dad and yeah he is acting like an a** but they still love him. I feel like if he was interested in them or their well-being, he would at least step up and help pay his portion of the bills. I am not asking him to do anything he has not been doing for the last 11 yrs.

He has now put me in a situation where I have burned all my savings just keeping us afloat. It is hard to live and pay bills on half of the income we were accustomed to living on. Thanks for your response!

AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 9:34am

The best thing you can do is get advice from a lawyer. You need to know whether there will be any legal repercussions of you moving to your home state and filing there, if you have to live in that state for a certain amount of time before filing or if you can file right away, what rights your ex has (can he make you move back?), etc. You may need to consult both a lawyer in your state and a lawyer in your home state.

As for the issue of moving, assuming you can legally move, think about what is in your kids' best interest. If you move home, you have a support system and can likely provide a better standard of living. If you stay where you are, no support system. If your ex has been unreliable, once you divorce can you count on him to be in their lives on a regular basis, or will his disappearances become more frequent - perhaps soon he'll be making another move to avoid his problems? And if he's not working and not seeking a job, how will he pay child support? If you can't count on him to do his fair share, you have to make the best decision you can to give your kids the best standard of living you can. If that means moving to your home state, it doesn't mean you are cutting him out of their lives. He could choose to move too - it's not like he has anything tying him to your current state. If he doesn't move, he could still be quite involved in their lives despite the distance.

Wishing you the best.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 11:42am

Thank you, I really appreciate your response. You are right, I cannot depend on him now, how I am going to depend on him after the divorce? I can depend on my family however. I am so surprised at their response. I was really worried and reluctant to tell them what has been going on. In my family you get married and stay married unless there is some horrible reason to get divorced. My mom and dad have both been so supportive, my mom has been doing research and talking to people. I told her I wouldn't move unless I had a job so she called this morning and had seen an ad in the local paper for my profession and she happened to know some people that worked for that company and so she called them and and let them know I would be faxing my resume and it would be a personal favor to her if they would look it over carefully. My mom even said that she and my dad admired how much I have been trying over the last several months and that I have been doing and paying for everything and have been keeping it afloat (barely!) all on my own. My mom said she would have kicked him to the curb along time ago.

I am going to take your advice and talk to a few lawyers to see what my options are. I guess there is a legal difference if I move with the kids while I am still married as long as he knows where we are. I need to establish residency (6 months) in my home state and then I can file for temp custody and file for divorce. If I file for anything here in the state I am currently living in, then I cannot take the kids anywhere until the divorce is settled.

Wow, life is not suppose to be this confusing! I knew I should have went to law school instead of graduate school! Thanks again.
AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 11:58am

Best of luck. Obviously you are no dummy. There is a chance it will prove valuable to you to find out why your husband was fired from his last two jobs. You might even grab a girlfriend and spend one evening finding out just where your husband is going at night.

Maybe your husband is on a downward spiral where no one can help him. Perhaps he won't scrape up the moxy to file before you do. If so, you won't have as much of a legal problem. It's too bad for the kids, though. Their Dad is slowl erasing himself from their lives. You will have to be strong, for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:36pm
Go for it girl!! You are not asking this man to climb Mt Everest or swim with sharks. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. He is obviously unwilling to change his behavior, because lets face it, at this point he hasn't "really" had to. It makes sense for you to leave and file in your home state. I agree with that, and applaud you in recognizing that and utilizing the support system you will have there. I have been down this road too, and I can honestly tell you, you can still love this man, but you don't have to live with him and put up with all of his crap. That's the beauty of love. He can and will still be your children's father, he just doesn't have to be your husband anymore. That's the distinction that has to be made if you want to break free. You don't have to stay together just for the kids, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself for an "intact" family. Because lets face it, you wouldn't be contemplating divorce if your family was healthy. You have been flying solo already with him, you certainly can do it without him, and you have the support from family and friends, and the intelligence to continue from here. Good luck and keep posting!