new here-should i proceed with divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
new here-should i proceed with divorce?
2
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 10:33pm
To make a long story short I think I am at the end. I have been married almost 2 years. My husband suffers from depression. Prior to getting married he attempted suicide. He started seeing a psych. and taking meds and things seemed to get better. Periodically over the last year and a half he would go into funks and gamble a lot - one of the main reasons for me having a lot of anger toward him. For a brief time he started seeing a therapist. He revealed to me about abuse done to him as a young child - both physical and sexual. I decided to support him and stick by him. Recently again, he has gone off the deep end. I had to drive to Kansas City to pick him up because he had run out of money and was crying hysterically that he needed help. He even had suicidal thoughts again - talking about how he wanted to run his car into the back of a semi. He voluntarily went to a hospital and checked himself into an inpatient treatment program. After five days, he was released to come home and then was supposed to attend day sessions with group therapy etc. He has gone a couple of times, but continues to gamble incessantly. At the social workers mentioning, he refused to consider Gamblers Anon. He mentioned tonight stopping some of the meds and not going to the group sessions anymore because they make him feel worse. I have dealt with this on and off for almost 2 years and I am not sure how much more I can take both emotionally and financially. I am afraid to have children due to the insecurity I feel. Tonight he talked again about separating our finances ( I have control now) and was very cold to me. He said then maybe I could be free of all the problems that come with being married to him. I love him dearly, but I don't know at what point I will break. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 3:02am

huge hugs! i went thru something similar, i was married (second marriage) for seven (loooooooong) years to someone who suffered from ..... depression, anxiety, i really don't know WHAT was wrong. the symptoms were definately depression , there was sexual issues, etc. for the entire time we were married he never worked - OSTENSIBLY he *worked* from home, but he never did anything, he was just home or on "business trips".


it's great that your husband is getting help but HE really needs to deal with all of HIS problems. i can't tell you what to do right now- but it would probably be a good idea for YOU to seek help for youself, in order to be able to focus on YOUR life and to decide if or not to stay,as well as some form of

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:54pm
hi lauri. what was it about you, and your own personality, that attracted you to someone you knew had deep emotional problems? wasnt it a red flag the fact he had tried suicide before you married him? do you suffer your own emotional problems or lack of self esteem -i would think so as if you had self esteem you wouldnt have married him in the first place, perhaps even gone on a date with him. perhaps you should seek therapy for yourself as well, work on YOU and why things happen to you - for instance are bad choices a pattern? i am sorry the situation you are in, but you chose to marry him. i dont understand walking out after the fact. It's a hard lesson - you cannot change people. women cannot change men. and people who are depressed tend to remain so thru life, off and on, with the 'on's sometimes getting increasingly worse as life goes on. In his world, you walking out on him means you have been unable to understand his depression (eg you failed him) and are about to just walk out coldly and leave him to self destruct. great. Doesn't 'until death do us part' mean anything anymore? Take responsibility for your own decisions, for your own choices in life, continously bailing out when things get tough - is not the the best characteristic and really not what marriage, the committment, for better or worse, is all about. try to really understand depressiona and how it makes people behave, you may find the more you understand, the more you can really help him, and the more he will feel understood and less depressed. really depressed people just want to be understood, not just tolerated (or not tolerated). as his wife i believe you owe him that much. best.