New here - thought I was alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
New here - thought I was alone
10
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:01pm

I have been reading the posts on this board and cannot believe how many other women there are that have been in unhappy marriages for years, like myself. I thought I had a "one of a kind" STBX but it seems like there are lots of them out there with a lot of the same qualities.
I have been married for 25 years to a very emotionally unavailable man. I have begged him, pleaded, cried myself to sleep so many nights trying to get him to talk about our marriage and how it breaks my heart that he does not want to spend any time with me......it is as if he looks right through me - like I am not there. I come home at night and it is like I am invisible. We literally live two different lives. I have tried for all of these years to be a good wife but his main interest is himself and his pool playing, beer drinking buddies, and hunting buddies. He never wants to talk with me and now that I've told him I want a divorce his main concern is that he can't afford the house on his own (he can) and NOW he wants to try to make it work. He wants to "make it a point to spend at least one night a week together." He says he does love me but is "just not good at showing his feelings." I won't go on about it now because I could type all night about this but I just wanted to say a hello to all of you and hope that I have found a place to come and vent and to have people share their experiences with me and support. I called my attorney today and go on Thursday morning to sign the papers for him to be served. I will be needing a lot of support. I thought this would be so easy but it isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:24pm

I hear ya!! I am new here as well (first post). My STBX sounds a lot like yours- except he is as ready as I am for this sham of a marrige to be over with. Good luck to you! We must be strong women or we never would of made it this far!! ;-)

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:34pm

Your story is so similar to mine!!

Hi Crying
My STBX is saying the same things. How he is going to be in financial ruin. He can't afford the house ect!! He makes awesome money and I am only asking for half of what the government says he should pay in child support. I am not taking any of his pension or any of his retirement stuff!!
It will cost him money don't get me wrong!! I am sorry that it won't be as good for him but like I said to him last night maybe he should have thought of that as I was crying and begging him to be a part of our marriage.
He wants to change he says, and he did try at the end but it was too late and I really wonder if those changes were going to stay forever!!! We still live together while he is looking for a new house (its only been two weeks). He has done nothing!!! I clean cook shovel the walks, take the kids to all their activities. I wanted to go to shopping by myself this weekend for 2 hours. He said he was busy couldn't watch the kids, and I better get used to my life like that. I was mad at first then I laughed, how would it be any different than it is now? Except that I wouldn't have to dread him coming home anymore to fight with me!!
This board is very helpful, even just to vent when you have no one to talk to!!
Take care !!
S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:20am
My husband was just like yours. I too pleaded and cried and begged to get my emotional needs met. Always in pain because of the cold way he treated me plus the degrading, trivializing,
criticism, all that stuff. I married him three times. He just divorced me for another woman. I have liked to died over this. Its like I tried all those years to get him to meet my emotional needs and all I got was THIS after almost 30 years. He too use to say he would change, he would start a book like Men Who Hate Women, And The Women Who Love Them.
Lets see that was about 18 yrs ago. He begged and pleaded and said he knew he was that type and would do anything to save our marriage. He read 1/8 of the book. Never touched it again and within I would say two weeks was back to his old self.
He is still living here but has most all his stuff in storage and will leave to go on a job in about 2 weeks. It has been the most painful thing I have ever had to endure to watch him phone and email this other woman. They havent had sex together for 30 years and hardlyknows her .....you can find my posts under dollyfrocks with my story.
I should have known if he was that emotionally unavailable to me that it would end this way when I got older. 57 I am, and now I can face life alone. Find another man? hmmmm
I need to find out why I put up with this other than the kids (our baby is now 24.)
What is wrong with me that I would allow this in my life. I need to get well so I dont go out and find another man like him. a Mysoginistic male.
He has been better the last few years and I thought wow we are going to make it and grow old together then BAM!! right in the kisser this OW. I call her the wh** adulterous thing. she is married.
Hang in there and you absolutely are not alone. Chatting with other women going through the same thing will help tremendously. This board helps build up your self esteem again!
YOU WILL BE OK!! I guess you can try Marriage Counseling but with this type of man I think there is a unlikely chance he can change but do alot of reading and decide what you want for YOU. Do not put this man above your own emotional needs. We only live once. This isnt a dress rehearsal, we dont get another chance.


Edited 2/7/2007 12:24 am ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:33am

Hi Debbi,
That was my first post too!
I think that the only thing that really scares him is taking care of himself. He is very independent in a lot of ways. He does his own laundry and cooks for himself most of the time (I gave up trying to please him when he didn't come home for dinner but went to the club instead, when he threw food across the room because I did not make a vegetable to go with the beef stew.....)He does depend on me to handle all of the bills. He does not depend on my income and can get along fine without it but I am the one that writes all of the checks, makes appointments for things, I guess I'm kinda like his secretary. I think he is afraid he will be lost with those things. I have even told him I would be happy to sit down with him and go over everything.

I agree about being strong women. Even though when I read what I write myself about all that I have gone through in 25 years it sounds like I am a very weak woman. I am now going to be a strong woman that needs to move on.

How long were you married Debbi? Do you have a home that you have to sell, or buy out of?
I hope you don't mind me asking. I am new to this.
Thank you for your response. Good luck to you too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:42am

Hi S,

Didn't you think you had the only one like that? I am amazed by how many insensitive people there are out there.
My STBX (I like typing that :)) has promised to change so many times over the years. Unfortunately his idea of changing is actually staying awake past 7:00 while watching tv in the same room as me! Sometimes we would go out for dinner but he does not talk to me whatsoever. I don't know how long you have been married but from my experience I would say you are right about the changes not lasting.
I also do not want his retirement, 401k, just my half of the house. I am hoping we can get his buying me out settled soon so that I can get myself a condo I have been looking at. Like you, the actual process of this is still new. I went to a lawyer in January and am going Thursday to sign papers for him to be served. It is very scary. But I know it is for the best in the end. I do not want to wake up 20 years from now and wonder "what if?" I have gone to lawyers in the past but never past the consult. Now I am ready to do this!!

I am so glad to have found this board and others like you to share in our journey!
Good luck to you and hope to be talking to you again (all of us can keep each other strong)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:45am

Dollyfrocks,

I wish I didn't have to go to work today! I am anxious to read your story and correspond with you through this message board. I have found the feedback and info on these boards to be such a godsend!
I have to get going now but I will be posting to you tonight.

Thank You again.

crying

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:13pm
Hi.......
Hey hang in there kiddo! This can be overcome. Remember we are WOMAN. WE ARE STRONG.
I know it doesnt seem like it right now but we are. I started crying again this a.m. but my daughter called and she is good support for me so I think I am ok now.
It will pass. Sometimes the more I think about him and this OW the less I love him. My kids are shocked. They knew I was a good wife and mother. They spent an hour on the phone talking about how I had been their dads emotional punching bag for all these years.
We will make it. I work at home and need to try to be well just for today so I can work.
Maybe that is the key take it One Day At A Time!! I cant be on the board all the time but will watch for your posts whenever I can and respond!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:18pm

Hi there~


Unfortunately, no, you're not alone.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:55pm
I'm new here as well, and I recently (Sunday) finally told my husband that I'm very unhappy and am afraid things have gone too far. on 2/25, we are supposed to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. We have plans to go on vaca with some of our friends and it all feels so wrong. I'm so lonely and have cried and cried and can't stand it anymore. He's not a bad guy, has supported my financially since day one. We were married very young, 21, and in the last ten years, have grown into very different people who now seem to be very disconnected as h & w. I love him, but i'm no longer in love with him...I am not sexuaully attracted to him, he has let himself go physically and has gained 50 pounds in the last couple years and I have asked him to lose the weight, but it was never 'convenient' for him, no matter how much I pleaded. Now he says he didn't realize how meaningful it was to me. Bull&^%(. I'm resentful of how emotionally alone I feel and how much I yearn to feel fulfilled emotionally and sexually. He says how much this hurts him, and seems to not understand how hurt I've been for so long. I'm sick to my stomach today. He's asked me to go to counseling, and today I made the appointment, but I don't think I really want to try anymore. I'm screwed financially if I end this, but he will be comfortable. I don't want his money or the diamonds, etc...and if i'm the one leaving, am I really entitled to anything, he thinks i'm giving up...although, it seems clear to me, he gave up on me a long time ago...i'm going to devestate my life, his life and i'm not sure how to deal with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:38pm
Wow.....a lot of women have lived my life! STBX emotionally unavailable.....all about the money. His idea of marriage was to be able to buy me what I want! Try a hug! It costs nothing! Try talking! It costs nothing!
I guess maybe he can talk to the OW! For her sake I hope she is content to do all his cooking, cleaning, laundry etc and never see him.
At least I am heading in the right direction now because being alone can't be as lonely as being alone in a marriage!
Hang in there...it is amazing how many of us have lived this life....it feels good to know there are people who understand what it is like.