New here; very sad; plese help!
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New here; very sad; plese help!
| Mon, 03-21-2005 - 6:07pm |
I have been married to DH for almost 8 years and we have 3 beautiful children. I love my DH very much and he is my friend but I have damaged him irrepairably and I don't think he will ever recover. Last month, I had a brief affair and DH promptly found out. He moved out immediately. He took my car and pulled his paychecks from our bank account. Within a few days he said he wanted to try to work things out. We went to a marriage counselor (I had begged for marriage counseling for YEARS!) and spent two weeks getting to know each other again. Some days we would just hold each other for hours. He told me if I wanted to work on our marriage I would have to quit my job (I met OM at work; he was a customer not a co-worker) and so I did. I was cautious but I gave in to his every demand. I am truly remorseful for what I have done. I have been close to suicide on several occasions. I know what I did was horrible. 11 days ago he said he cannot do this; he will never trust me again. He wants a divorce. I wanted to believe he would change his mind. He is a different person one day to the next. One day he is crying that he cannot live with me, the next he is calling me a whore, the next he is saying he forgives me and wants to be my friend. I am a wreck. I cry in public with no warning. Today is a particulary bad day. I just want him here with me, and I know that's not going to happen. I don't know how to move on. I am seeing another lawyer tomorrow to decide on representation and to get something filed asap because I need to make sure I have access to income since all the bills are still being sent here and I have the kids here to feed. He gave me some money from the last 2 checks but I have no idea how much his pay was because he refused to show me. I do not want a divorce. My DH is convinced that I had this affair because I am bipolar. He thinks this is not the first time (it definitely is). He thinks I am just "wired to cheat". He will bring up things from 4 years ago but not take any responsibility for the 7 years that he all but denied me any sexual intimacy. His excuses then were "job stress" and "too tired" and now he says I was just "mean to him" even though there were many years we got along well and co-parented beautifully; the only thing missing was the sex. Once every 2-6 months was about how frequently it happened. I am not using this as an excuse for my actions. There is none. The last 6 months he had actually been very attentive to me in that department and I was turning him away. I could not forgive him for making me feel unloved all of those years. I really, really tried to. I wanted to. I love him. I still have to talk to him almost every day because of the children. My voice breaks just to hear his on the other line. I know I must proceed with this divorce, though, because he does not want to love me again; I have tainted myself forever. How do I move on when he is still in my life? Everything reminds me of him and I still love him so much and truly wish I'd found a different way out of our old situation than the way that I took. I ruined the lives of four people who I love. My kids (8,6, and 1) are a wreck. I am a wreck. I can hardly keep it together. When, if ever, does it start to get better?

First thing - calm down - your H is bouncing off the walls right now because men can't stand the thought of their woman being sexual with another man. It sounds like your marriage has not been satisfying for a long time, that is no excuse for cheating.
Perhaps you could both get back into the counseling. However, if irreparable damage has been done, everyone will have to pick up the pieces and move on in their lives. Counseling may be in order for the 8 and 6 year old.
The children are the most important considerations now. Do what needs to be done for them. This is very sad and was avoidable.
I'm sure there are others with good advice here.
Edited 3/21/2005 7:31 pm ET ET by ivbeenaroundthebl
Are you still in counseling? You really need to be. Divorce is never easy, even when you want the divorce and counseling is in order for everyone, but since you are having such a hard time you really need that unbiased, professional support right now.
Your husband is on a roller coaster. You have to accept that since you put him on the roller coaster, and I know it's hard to not know how this is all going to turn out but as long as you are taking care of yourself and your children everything in the end will be fine, I promise. The children are going to be a wreck because both their parents are a wreck, so the sooner you both pull it together and figure it out the sooner they will feel safe and secure again. It's hard for them not knowing what the future holds too. Even if you end up going through with divorce, there will be a time when they know what to expect, when they will see dad or mom, etc. It's up to you and your husband to give them that assurance and working towards that needs to be a goal for both of you.
You are absolutely right that you need to see an attorney and get support set so you and the children won't be on the street. Have you tried to get another job?
I know it's hard to imagine this right now, but if your marriage was that unsatisfying when it came to sex and intimacy, there may be one day when you look back and you are thankful that the marriage ended. Nobody should live like that, and it doesn't sound like he was interested in fixing anything until it was clear he might lose you, and he didn't make much of an effort even then. Right now you are grieving, but grieving is a process and the process will go on and it will not always be this painful.
Keep posting and let us know what the attorney says. This is a great group and the people here have a lot of knowledge, information and support to give.