new here, very stressed out
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| Tue, 01-17-2006 - 5:03pm |
Hello everyone,
I am in the very earliest stages of getting divorced. My husband and I have decided to split up after 15 years of marriage. I'm 44 years old, and we have 2 kids in elem./middle school. We have not separated yet. Neither one of us is involved with someone else, but it's just a marriage that has died a slow and painful death.
I would like to know what you all feel are the most important things to prepare for when you become independent. My scenario is this: both husband and I work full-time, I earn about 1/3 of what he earns. I have had no involvement in bill paying, except for: childcare, food, kids activities. I definitely cannot live on my own on what I earn, and it is likely that we will pursue shared custody arrangements (split exactly evenly).
I am planning to get a lawyer and he wants a mediator. So I guess I will have a lawyer and a mediator, to start off with. I know nothing about the home finances except that we are living beyond our means. WE have never even had a shared checking account, so I have access only to my own salary as far as money is concerned. We own a house in a nice town, maintain a standard of living which has already been difficult for us to maintain and will become even more difficult once we are separated with 2 households to run.
My concerns are: we'd like to keep the kids in the same school system, but the town in which we are living is too expensive for me. On my salary I am really worried that I cannot even afford a rental in the area we live in.
I am so stressed out over this I do not know what I am going to do. I might be able to survive better in the profession I'm working in (which I like), if I moved to another part of the country, but that would kill the shared custody possibility, and I'm not at all sure it would be better for the kids, either.
What on earth would you suggest? For those of you who have civil relationships with your exes, how many of you have shared custody arrangements? How many have sole custody?
I would really like to hear from single parents who have shared custody to know how well it is working. It is so hard negotiating anything with my husband, and I am concerned that shared custody will necessitate me having to constantly battle with him for keeping to a schedule. (a major reason our marriage failed is that he categorically refuses to keep to any kind of schedule in the form of telling me in advance when he will be available, which means I have had ZERO free time for more than 10 years, since our kids came on the scene, meaning I have NO LIFE) On the other hand, I really don't want to have the 100% responsibility that comes w/sole custody (which I doubt I would win anyway since I am in a low-paying profession).
Thank you for your advice. I am sure you can imagine the kind of strain I am under right now.

here's my opinion: he already thinks his time is more important than your time if he can't let you know what to expect of him in terms of being home. that means that in this marriage, you are the less "powerful" one. mediation works for two people who will genuinely put the needs of the children first and are easily able to agree to an exact dollar amount in terms of child support, alimony, vacations, health insurance, dental expenses -- everything. if you feel he would be entirely fair in this, then i would say to go ahead with mediation. it will save you a lot of money. however, something very important to know about mediation is that you MUST -- once you have drafted an agreement -- have an independent divorce attorney (a good one!!!) review it before you sign anything. any respected mediator will let you know you should do this. do not go to one of the lawyers that the mediator refers you to -- find another well-known, respected attorney. (your husband would have his own attorney tolook over the agreement too.) i did this and the independent attorney pointed out quite a few important things in my case that the mediator over-looked, which we then discussed and had put into the agreement. you just have to be assured that you have the strength to stand up for yourself with your husband if you see a mediator.
here's something to think about: if you have full physical custody but shared legal custody you would get every other weekend alone and probably one evening each week alone -- more time than you've had throughout your marriage. it sounds as though he wouldn't be very good at having the children 50% of the time. it's going to be a shaky time for the kids and having to pack up and change residences every other week won't be easy on anyone.
counselling for yourself through one of the hardest times in your life is probably good idea too.
good luck.
JEn, I have many similar issues, esp the lack of committment to scheduling. What is up with that????
Why not call a realtor tomorrow and get some sound advice on places to live? Could HE keep the house? I'm a bit surprised that you have separate checking, does that mean he pays all these bill and is therfore the root of you living beyond your means? In that case, you might find you do just fine in an apartment or small home. It wouldn't have to be in the same school district as long as he keeps the house.
You will get maintenance (alimony) for a few years, even if you work, and even with joint custody you will still get child support also.
I hear your worry about the financial aspect of it, and I'm feeling the same at times, but I try to remember that the universe will provide what I and my kids really need.
A consultation with a lawyer is usually free and will probably put your mind at ease. I feel a thousand percent better each time I see my lawyer. We wanted a mediator also but you have to find someone trained and there is really no one in our area. He may just want a mediator because it is cheaper. My favorite divorce book says it is risky, because often one person becomes dissatisfied with the mediated agreement, then ends up spending MORE on lawyers as a result.
My book is Divorce in NY, and it has been extremely helpful. Much better than Divorce for Dummies! It not only addresses the legal but the practical and emotional.
Please keep us posted on what you find out!
Thank you all for your replies. It is so gratifying to know other people out there are going through some of the same issues. My dilemma is that I cannot talk to a single person in my town because everyone I know is a parent of a child, and I cannot risk my kids hearing about what is going on through a school friend. Therefore I have been living the last 6 months knowing I am going to be on my own soon, without being able to tell anyone about it (except 2 people I totally trust not to tell anyone, my sister and an old high school friend who lives nowhere near us).
To answer your question, yes, my husband pays virtually all the bills. You wouldn't guess it if you met him, as he seems kind of relaxed and outgoing on the surface, but in fact he is very controlling when it comes to finances, and we have never functioned as an economic unit. More like roommates. I know it sounds strange but that's just how it's been. To give you an idea of how clueless I am about finances (and mind you, I have a master's degree though in nothing even remotely related to accounting or finance!), I didn't even understand when the two of us signed the papers for an equity loan, that this constitutes basically a second mortgage. I thought you only became indebted if you borrowed any of the money in the equity line of credit, and that the line of credit was to help us repair broken stuff in the house and possibly fix some of the problems (the house is 80 years old). Well, my husband set up the account to connect to his checking account and has borrowed basically all the money in the account, though we never fixed a single thing and the place looks like it's falling apart in some places. As I said we are living beyond our means. Nobody is gambling or anything like that, it's just that our house is too expensive for us to maintain on our salaries. A real classic story of the 21st century.
To the person who suggested that my husband keep the house ... I really don't want to do that. The kids will take this to mean that home = dad, not mom, and I am really afraid they will not want to spend time with me because I'm living in some condition of squalor while dad lives in a nice colonial house on a nice tree-lined street near all their friends. I think the equitable thing to do is sell the house and split the proceeds and each of us will live somewhere we can afford, preferably w/in the same school district. I *love* my town, it is such a great community. I really really do not want to leave it.
As soon as I can get the funds together for a lawyer I expect we will be proceeding to mediation. I do not plan to come to mediation without prior preparation w/ my laywer. Obviously somebody as clueless as myself needs a lot of advice so I can get on with my life in the best way possible.
I just wanted to send lots of hugs your way. There are plenty of us here who understand the things you are going through and will be going through over the next several months. I hope that we can provide you some relief as a sounding board, as I can only imagine trying to keep this all inside must be so difficult...
*hugs*
Julie
I currently have 50/50 possession with kids switching homes on Sunday evenings. We live one mile apart, so it's easy if something is forgotten. I find it better than the midweek sleepover/eoweekend schedule. So do the kids. It's actually less back and forth and more of an opportunity to feel like a "real" family on the weeks when we're together. And on the weeks kids are with him, I have some free time to play, socialize or work. I really like this arrangement, even though I do have some problems with what he does with the kids while they are with him, that I don't think will ever be solved.
Know that 50/50 possession does not necessarily mean no child support--it depends on the law where you live. If you go through a mediator instead of a judge, you two can decide whatever you want, if you can cooperate, that is.
I read your comment about Dad keeping the family home. I had exactly the problematic result that you anticipated. I lived in a smaller, less nice rental. But then my ex remarried and moved into the new wife's even bigger fancier home. So neither one of us ended up with the marital home.
Good luck to you.
I had to laugh when my Mom, who previously fussed at me for the shared custody, said "it's high time that man pulled his weight with those kids". I actually think I did my kids a favor by divorcing their dad--now he HAS to spend time with them.
Cupcake
I do agree with you that the kids get along easiest when we try to keep as much of their old life the same, ie., same school, same neighborhood, same activities, etc.
My STBX and I share custody close to 50/50. Since we work somewhat opposite schedules we split the week so that it maximizes the time that the kids can actually be with one of us rather than in some other childcare arrangement.
The kids live with me M-W, and they live with their dad on Thursdays and Fridays. We alternate Saturday and Sundays. The kids spend some extra time with him M-W mornings while I'm at work and they spend some extra time with me on the weekends while their dad is at work.
We also thought our youngest (21 months) was too young to go more than a couple days away from either of us. As the kids get older and/or our work schedules change - we'll adjust the schedule as needed.
I think the big reason this works for us is that we live in the same neighborhood. We do have to talk or see each other nearly every day, but that's not as hard as I thought it would be because we only talk about the kids and we're both crazy about them. Now that my only expectation from STBX is that he is a good father to our children, I'm no longer angry with him because he is living up to that promise.
It is so gratifying to hear of someone who has worked out a 50/50 schedule that is not a disaster. If you don't mind my asking, was your husband difficult to keep on a schedule when you were married? This is the problem I am anticipating: that we set up a schedule but he keeps me on a short leash by expecting me to be available at the last minute on "his" days to pick up kids, take them to soccer practice or whatever.
My attempts to get my husband be home at a particular time on certain days were always rebuffed. The only way I could get him home on time was if I offered bait: an exciting meal, an exciting event like ice skating w/the kids. It was never enough just to be home doing "nothing" and talking. He would stay at work or play sports unless something "exciting" was going on at home.