New here...am I crazy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New here...am I crazy?
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Sun, 07-09-2006 - 12:03am

I have been with dh for 11 years, and we have survived the death of a son and other horrid marriage crises (most of them due to his bipolar disorder that emerged five years after marriage). Anyway, I have been doing everything I can to make sure that if the marriage did not survive, I could hold my head up high and tell the kids I did my best.

It all came to a head right before we were about to move. Finances were EXTREMELY tight due to dh's unemployment, and he thought it would be a fine idea to take some money and buy a computer rather than using it to get our house ready to sell. I was livid, especially since I was the only one earning money at the time. Then he lied to me and said that he didn't buy the computer, but a friend of his mailed it to him. All of this while we were going to a counselor trying to rebuild trust because he won't stop lying. That was it for me. I was DONE DONE DONE. I had given him so many warning the past six months about his constant lying making our marriage a farce and not wanting to stay. I don't think he believed me.

Anyway, right now I have to wait 60 more days before I can file because of residency requirements and my move. I don't hate my dh...don't wish him ill...just think he is a sick man, and his behaviors make it impossible to live with him. I even can say I love him, but really, sometimes love just ain't enough. I have told my oldest daughter that we are getting a divorce because his illness makes him do things that are not good for us to live with. Of course, I don't know how much of it is due to bipolar and how much of it is his choice, but that isn't really for me to figure out--it is still hurting us.

Sometimes it really seems as if dh was trying to push me to divorce him. He told me if he were me, he would have divorced him long ago. And usually, we speak very amicably with each other. I am not going to start caring about him, but it is wonderful to not have to deal with him frequently.

I feel great right now. I feel free. I am excited about starting this new chapter in my life, free from the chaos his illness was bringing. Is this weird? I am not sad right now at all...I think I have been sad while contemplating this move for a while, but now that I made the decision, I feel as if a HUGE weight has been lifted. I feel like I can now live. I read an article in some magazine saying that it takes a while after a divorce to feel like this, but I am wondering if it is different if you are the one who chose to file. Please tell me I am not the only one who felt like this!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 6:44am

1st, let me say that I looked at your family website & I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious little boy! I cannot fathom the horror & pain that brought to you all. & i cant help but wonder if that all began your H's spiral into mental illness. Often the disease lies semi-dormant & some life changing event triggers it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:58am

You are not crazy. I've been divorced for about two years, but we were seperated before that. I felt the same way. My x lied to me about everything and had one physical affair and several emotional affairs. I couldn't wait to get out. After I felt a weight lifted off of me. There are still times that I am sad and wished it could have worked. But he usually ends up lying to me about something (we have two children together, 10 and almost 5) and I remind myself that I am in a better place without him.

Good luck.

Avatar for aimsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:07pm

I am elated for the most part, but then today I saw him, and he was acting normal...the kind of normal state that if he could maintain, we could be married. I just have to keep reminding myself that he isn't always like that. He took our oldest this weekend, and I almost want to remind her, too, that he isn't always like that, but I don't.

I told him I wouldn't be able to pay something this month, and he said, "Well, you are the one who wanted this" to which I replied, "No, your behaviors told me YOU wanted this." I am not going to let him squirm out of that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:28pm

Hi Aimsicle,

Lately, I've been feeling a freedom, too. Our divorce is final tomorrow and I am the one who initiated the divorce. The first few months were terribly depressing... but lately I have been feeling that freedom that you have been discussing.

I love my daughter sooooo much... however sometimes I wish we had never had I child because it ties us together forever and I really can't bear the site of him. We go to couples counseling which I got as part of the settlement but I actually feel ill each time because I can't believe I was married to him for 10 years.

When I am "good" and follow the serenity prayer, I find I do very well. When I worry too much about things that are not in my control, I tend to get depressed.

I think it's great that you are feeling free! You go girl!!!! And keep spreading the happiness... it's contagious!!!!

nancy_smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:19pm
Hi - I often lurk on this board but I don't usually post - but I had to tell you that I had a similar situation and i also felt that immediate sense of elation when I filed for divorce. Some history - my xh and I were married for 15 years. We have 2 dds. My xh's bipolar disease emerged after the marriage - prior to the marriage it just appeared that he was very spontanous and "fun loving". As the disease progressed, his behaviors became more and more bizarre, the lying got worse and worse as the did the eruptions of anger when he was caught lying, the spending, the impulsive and risk taking behaviors became more and more impossible to live with. My kids would disappear up into their rooms when or if he came home at night. It took me over a year and 25000. to divorce him(primarily due to his mother's involvment, but that is a whole other story). His disease has progressed to the point that he is homeless and unemployed. It is a terrible thing. I still care about him and want to see him get well, but he has to want to help himself and he won't even acknowledge his illness. We had to have custody evaluator because one of his impulsive behaviors was to decide to go for 50-50 custody. The evaluator determined that his long term prognosis was "dire". Best wishes for you - I hope that you have a better time getting through your divorce than I did. It is a really difficulty and expensive process to divorce someone who is mentally ill. My lawyer and I wanted to get a neutral guardian appointed to facilitate the process, but the courts appointed his mother, who had her own agenda. It was really a shame, I always thought that the purpose of a guardian was to act in the person's best interest and she did not, costing the pair of us thousands of dollars.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:37am

"Lost the privledge" ...


Absolutely, your thought process & response to him is exactly right. My X does it ALL the time, says things like "well, if YOU werent so selfish to rip our daughters life apart" ... "if YOU didnt throw me out & take my life & everything I loved away" ... etc.


I always respond with "You LOST THE PRIVELEDGE of living with this family" & "You CHOSE to act as you did".


Keep reinforcing it - you are right. & you are ALSO right that the MOMENTS of what I call "semi-saneness" never last long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 10:38am

Oh... my favorite one was "Look at your behavior and give me a reason to stay."


Nonetheless.... saying those things out loud to HIM was very validating to ME to remind me that I was making a GOOD choice for a GOOD reason.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 5:16pm

Wow this board is helpful. I felt excitement and elation at the thought of getting a divorce and moving forward with my life. I felt excitement and elation this weekend when I didn't have him around and I could manage my own schedule and kids without interference from him. But today, I'm having a hard day because tomorrow I file for divorce. I feel like I just want someone to say it's going to be okay you are doing the right thing.

He says the same things the others posted here - that I'm selfish, ruining my children's lives, etc. but even though he's not abusive or didn't physically cheat (that I know of) there was so much that made me feel unloved and respected. Other times I did feel loved and respected but the big gap was he only gave to me what he felt he had identified to be my needs and ignored what I told him my needs were. So I feel he did it to himself by not caring about how much I was hurting over issues in our marriage and I had given him 10, 5, 3 years to change and he just won't. And I need him to change those things to be happy. And do feel selfish and guilty for changing the lives and security of my children.

So I think it's totally normal to feel excited and elated, but be prepared for days when you won't feel that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 6:22pm

I think you are exactly right!


Ya know... no one else wears your shoes but YOU.... and the situations where there's not betrayal or physical abuse make it even harder, emotionally, I think.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for aimsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:06am
I think the reason that it may seem more difficult when there is not an obvious reason (e.g. physical abuse or betrayal) is that you don't get the same validation from others outside your relationship. I am definitely getting validation that I am doing the right thing from people outside, and they thought I should have left long ago. But I had to know that I did EVERYTHING possible for my children to have an intact and healthy family before I could leave because for me it was ultimately about them. I mean, I would be fine no matter what (I could find happiness no matter what), but my job is to put their welfare first. I was constantly weighing the pros and cons and right now their welfare is not well-served in an unhealthy marriage (and "unhealthy" is an understatement!).

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