New here...am I crazy?
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| Sun, 07-09-2006 - 12:03am |
I have been with dh for 11 years, and we have survived the death of a son and other horrid marriage crises (most of them due to his bipolar disorder that emerged five years after marriage). Anyway, I have been doing everything I can to make sure that if the marriage did not survive, I could hold my head up high and tell the kids I did my best.
It all came to a head right before we were about to move. Finances were EXTREMELY tight due to dh's unemployment, and he thought it would be a fine idea to take some money and buy a computer rather than using it to get our house ready to sell. I was livid, especially since I was the only one earning money at the time. Then he lied to me and said that he didn't buy the computer, but a friend of his mailed it to him. All of this while we were going to a counselor trying to rebuild trust because he won't stop lying. That was it for me. I was DONE DONE DONE. I had given him so many warning the past six months about his constant lying making our marriage a farce and not wanting to stay. I don't think he believed me.
Anyway, right now I have to wait 60 more days before I can file because of residency requirements and my move. I don't hate my dh...don't wish him ill...just think he is a sick man, and his behaviors make it impossible to live with him. I even can say I love him, but really, sometimes love just ain't enough. I have told my oldest daughter that we are getting a divorce because his illness makes him do things that are not good for us to live with. Of course, I don't know how much of it is due to bipolar and how much of it is his choice, but that isn't really for me to figure out--it is still hurting us.
Sometimes it really seems as if dh was trying to push me to divorce him. He told me if he were me, he would have divorced him long ago. And usually, we speak very amicably with each other. I am not going to start caring about him, but it is wonderful to not have to deal with him frequently.
I feel great right now. I feel free. I am excited about starting this new chapter in my life, free from the chaos his illness was bringing. Is this weird? I am not sad right now at all...I think I have been sad while contemplating this move for a while, but now that I made the decision, I feel as if a HUGE weight has been lifted. I feel like I can now live. I read an article in some magazine saying that it takes a while after a divorce to feel like this, but I am wondering if it is different if you are the one who chose to file. Please tell me I am not the only one who felt like this!

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Wow! Sounds like almost the same story with a hopefully different ending. My dh's parents acknowledge he has an illness and so does my dh...the meds just aren't working. His family totally understands why I am leaving him, and I don't expect an expensive fight. I, too, worry someday he may be homeless, and that is one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did--didn't know how to explain to the kids why their daddy no longer lived with us and why I would not let him live with us so he had to live on the streets. Right now he is living with his mother. I pray he gets better, too, and I hope now that I am out of the picture, he may be forced to take more charge of his illness.
But at first, he did not seem bipolar at all either. Sounds like we had a very similar story at the beginning with the increasing horrible behaviors. It is hard to know what is due to the illness and what is due to choice, but I have decided to give dh the benefit of the doubt and blame the illness, maybe so I won't hate him for what he has put us through. If he chose it, he will have to live with himself! The kids and I don't anymore, and that is what counts!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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