New here...extreme feelings of guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
New here...extreme feelings of guilt
4
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 12:44pm

Hi...well, I've been lurking here for a while. A bit of background on myself: married for eight years with 2 small children. Our M started as an affair (my H was married at the time, I was single). I had an affair with a co-worker this year, which is now over, but my H found out. H and I are separated. I am not seeing anyone and have no desire to...the only interest I have at this time is being with my children.

Anyway, my H is laying so much guilt at my feet. I don't feel that I want to be married to him anymore...I don't have sexual feelings and don't love him in the way a wife should love her husband. We have TOTALLY different views on raising children; he wants to be their buddy, I don't. This is another HUGE issue. I could go on and on...

We are both in IC to work on our issues, but he seems more interested in "getting me back" (we've only been separated for three weeks). I can't take the guilt trips anymore. He tried to have sex with me today when I stopped by his house to pick up the drill, then almost started crying when I said no. We started talking about things, he didn't like the way the conversation was going, and he told me to leave. It's as if he only cares about himself. I actually even considered, albeit briefly, moving back, just to make him happy. I've always been a "people-pleaser"...making sure everyone's needs were met, well, everyone but my own.

If anyone else has been in a similar situation, how do you deal with this? How do you get past the guilt and the pain of hurting your spouse? He is a good man and a good father. He was a pretty good husband...just not for me. I don't know how to say the words, "I want this to be over."

Thanks for reading...longer than I intended. LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 4:11pm
This marriage started on shaky ground (an affair) and appears to still be the same. It would probably be better to get a divorce and be the best mother you can be and he be the best dad he can be. Probably you both should seek counseling as to why being monogamous is so challenging......
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 7:45am
Sometimes, a marriage is just over. You could sit through years of counseling, try hard at reconciliation, and it still can not be salvaged. It's sad, but a fact of life. Have you thought about going to counseling with him. Even if it doesn't work in the end, it may help you to know you gave the marriage every effort you could.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:27am

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You are absolutely right. I was having second thoughts about getting married even as I walked down the aisle, but felt I had to do it as he had changed his whole life for me.

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We are both in individual counseling...with my infidelity being a main topic of my sessions. He has been faithful through our marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:39am

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I guess that's what I'm having such a hard time with. I feel like a failure. Today is actually my anniversary...it's very sad. I never wanted to be divorced. I always thought my marriage would last forever.

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We went earlier this year, but I was not totally cooperating with the therapy. I was in the middle of the affair and my husband did not know about it at that time. We are both in individual therapy, which is helping me immensely. We have so many issues aside from the marriage and affair problems. I don't even know where to start. That's why I left...to force him to work on his problems. He suffers from major depression/mood disorder and wouldn't get treatment. When the kids and I left, he finally went and got help. But he's not taking his meds right or making his appointments as he should.